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Sep 16, 2009, 08:39 AM
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Member Since: May 2008
Posts: 3,845
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I feel like I'm reliving an event from four years ago. I'm being triggered left and right. Today I was massively overwhelmed at work by the actions of a coworker, then at T's (where I figured this out), and now at home with my H. My H isn't even speaking to me now. He said something that really got to me, I overreacted, retorted, and hurt his feelings. Now he's really angry at me. I feel like everyone is a participant while at the same time merely an observer.
T and H both know how I feel because I told them. I told T I was terrified of going back out in the world. He sent me back out anyway. T asked me at the beginning of the session if I had planned/scheduled an extra session this week and I told him no. The session was one of those sucky misattuned ones.
H will most likely ignore me for a few days. I have to go to work tomorrow which I face with massive trepidation. I'm afraid that I am going to be triggered by something, be flooded with emotions, and either completely lose it in front of everyone or strike out with impulsive rage that I will massively regret later. I feel SO ALONE even though I've told others how I feel. I feel some anger but mostly feel resigned, hopeless. I don't know what I need, so I can't ask for it. I don't understand what I need to do. I feel so helpless.
I've been going through this anxiety since I started work, and it has taxed me significantly. It strips me of any ability or inclination to post/reply even though I still care. I hate wanting to experience certain self-states but not having that ability. I feel I'm not me, not whole, and I hate it. I guess people will just have to accept me for who I'm not.
People trigger my emotions, get angry/annoyed because I overreact, and often respond with anger, indifference, bewilderment, or abandonment. They can escape, I can't. I FEEL like the world's expectation is that I take this graciously and not burden anyone else with it (like I'm doing here, lol). I can project it outward, inward, or sit with it (which makes me feel like I've given up) - no really effective choices.
Where should these feelings go? Is there a proper place to put them, or dispose of them? Like, is there a junk yard where I can permanently get rid of my emotional garbage? Where is Fred G. from Sanford and Sons when you need him?
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Hi Antimatter,
I want you to know that i've heard you and am thinking about what you've said before i respond. I'm sorry you're dealing with so many triggers. I know how awful that can be.
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