Excuse Me While I Relive My Past

I feel like I'm reliving an event from four years ago. I'm being triggered left and right. Today I was massively overwhelmed at work by the actions of a coworker, then at T's (where I figured this out), and now at home with my H. My H isn't even speaking to me now. He said something that really got to me, I overreacted, retorted, and hurt his feelings. Now he's really angry at me. I feel like everyone is a participant while at the same time merely an observer.

T and H both know how I feel because I told them. I told T I was terrified of going back out in the world. He sent me back out anyway. T asked me at the beginning of the session if I had planned/scheduled an extra session this week and I told him no. The session was one of those sucky misattuned ones.

H will most likely ignore me for a few days. I have to go to work tomorrow which I face with massive trepidation. I'm afraid that I am going to be triggered by something, be flooded with emotions, and either completely lose it in front of everyone or strike out with impulsive rage that I will massively regret later. I feel SO ALONE even though I've told others how I feel. I feel some anger but mostly feel resigned, hopeless. I don't know what I need, so I can't ask for it. I don't understand what I need to do. I feel so helpless.

I've been going through this anxiety since I started work, and it has taxed me significantly. It strips me of any ability or inclination to post/reply even though I still care. I hate wanting to experience certain self-states but not having that ability. I feel I'm not me, not whole, and I hate it. I guess people will just have to accept me for who I'm not.

People trigger my emotions, get angry/annoyed because I overreact, and often respond with anger, indifference, bewilderment, or abandonment. They can escape, I can't. I FEEL like the world's expectation is that I take this graciously and not burden anyone else with it (like I'm doing here, lol). I can project it outward, inward, or sit with it (which makes me feel like I've given up) - no really effective choices.

Where should these feelings go? Is there a proper place to put them, or dispose of them? Like, is there a junk yard where I can permanently get rid of my emotional garbage? Where is Fred G. from Sanford and Sons when you need him?

((((((((((((((((Antimatter!!!))))))))))))))

Sharing your feelings is not burdening anyone. Especially here - that's what this board is all about.

I am so sorry you are feeling triggered, and that it seems like it's hard to get support from the people around you (H and T). That must make it a million times worse.

CAN you get an extra session with T this week? Do you want to? Would it help??

to you, sweet friend

I think with time and working through of our issues is the only real solution. I work in retail and that is or can be very triggering. Before therapy I had no idea what a trigger was, how no idea why I seemed so loud and angry and moody. 5yrs into therapy, the triggers arent as many and I know now most of the time when i am out of salts and can do things to help me with this. I occassionally take my moods out on my husband but now have the insight to talk about it with him later on. Thankfully I have a husband that isnt immature in his own emotions so doesn't resort to not talking or whatever, not sure I could tolerate that in a partner, well infact I KNOW I WOULD NOT TOLERATE that, see to much of that growing up in a dysfunctionall household, so its pretty safe for me at home when I am not quite myself. Its not easy, just keep putting one foot in the other and begin your day over again if you have too, at any time of the day.

Hi Antimatter,

I want you to know that i've heard you and am thinking about what you've said before i respond. I'm sorry you're dealing with so many triggers. I know how awful that can be.

(Antimatter)

I figured you were busy with work. I also became overwhelmed quickly and have a hard time transitioning. As far as the feelngs go I remember asking T if I had to feel them, and he said yes, so I pass that amazing piece of wisdom to you. We aren't allowed to ditch them, bury them, throw them away, or pretend they don't exist. That sucky session sounds like my last one and T sent me out into the world too.

What helped me finally get a little bit grounded was to sort of just focus on my work and try to create an experience that I could feel good about. It really helped. So, I think it's probably okay that you didn't take the second appointment this week. Hopefully, by next week you may be feeling a little better.



So now what? You could act like Fred Sanford and get sympathy from H and T But alas no-one ever believed him.

((((((((Treehouse)))))))))))),
Thanks for listening. H and I talked today so everything is fine in that arena. Work was okay but I feel like I'm ten weeks behind and this is only the second week. Outside of that, being Borderline, having PTSD, ADD, Major Depressive Disorder, OCD, everything is just fine, lol. How could it not be?
to you !!!!!!!!

((((((((((((((Peaches))))))))))))))))
Thanks=) I do feel better now, just exhausted and sick of having to go through this !@#!2@. I hope you are doing well.

(((((((Melba))))))))) - I totally agree with you!

I hear ya'. My H and I did actually talk and work through this today=)

Good advice! I'm trying=) Thanks=)

TC

(((((((((MissC)))))))))))
That's not exactly what I wanted to hear, lol. Okay, so I have to feel them, why do I have to feel so alone while feeling them? Or is that a part of the feeling? It's so confusing.

=( It's difficult to take, I know. It made me feel insignificant.

I was really busy today which I do think helped me, too.

Who me? Try to get sympathy? No Way. I'm too angry -- I want to act like:



AUNT ESTHER!!!!!!!!!!

TC!

Aunt Esther



TOOOOOOOOOOO FUNNY

(((((Antimatter))))))

I dont believe you are a burden either

As far as your emotions go- I can so relate to how you deal with your feelings...and how you feel about them. Being triggered left and right, getting frustrated, annoyed, angry, hurt and overreacting. Sounds awfully familiar to me. Feeling not whole and wanting to escape this constant barrage of feelings that feel like horrible emergencies.
And then what goes on with your h. Sounds like my house. My h just doesnt know what to do with all of this sometimes. He can also go silent and make me nuts. Im glad things are better now. I know I can get so angry at my h for things and just not be able to let go of it.

But like Miss C has said- there is not place to put it- just get rid of it......with t...and feel it. I know its an awful choice. Not one Im real good at either.......