It might be unrealistic of me to hope to be absolved of my parents' low opinions of me upon their death, I admit.

What bought this up for me this morning was a conversation I had with my mother recently about the health care debate. My mother knows that I am on SSDI and am barely scraping by. She never misses the opportunity to talk about how much she's against 'welfare' and people who are "too lazy to work" etc, etc. The not so subtle message is that if it were up to her I'd be out on the street along with the rest of the 'welfare bums.'

I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but I can't tell you how much her comments about this (and a number of other issues) hurts me.

Believe me, I feel horribly guilty about being on welfare. I would go to work in a hot second if someone would hire me. I may be a lot of things, but I am NOT lazy. But I'm just not presentable. I seem to radiate instability and low self-esteem, qualities that employers are not looking for. I've tried to fake it and appear cool, confident, and competent, but I just can't pull it off. I have always been a terrible actor.

Maybe I don't wish them dead. I just want them to stop hurting me. Yeah, I don't measure up. Never have. I got it. I just wish they'd just stop making this clear to me at every possible opportunity.