I wish my parents would die

I know this sounds terrible, but I wish my mother and stepfather would hurry up and die. I am so tired of their disappointment with me. I am 48 years old and for once would like to be on the planet without feeling ashamed about not measuring up to their expectations.

Don't get me wrong; I don't want them to suffer or be hurt. I don't want anything bad to happen to them.

I just feel like they -- especially my mother -- are always in my head, always judging me. I'm too old to feel so bad about what they think of me! I figure that once they are dead, I won't have to feel so guilty and ashamed for not having turned out to be a success, like my siblings. I am the only failure in a family of over acheivers.

I mentioned this to a friend who cautioned me about possibly feeling guilty about my wish when my parents do die. I'm not too worried about this.

I just want to be FREE, for once, from their low opinions of me. As long as they live, they will look down on me. Is it wrong of me to want this to end?

Maybe it is unrealistic of me to think that I'll feel better about myself without them around to look down on me. But I can't help it.

I imagine a world where I no longer have to feel so bad about disappointing them, because they no longer exist. Without them seeing me as such a loser, maybe I won't feel like such a loser. At least they wouldn't be around to actively contribute to my feelings of failure and low self-esteem.

Is this wrong of me? Has anyone out there ever been relieved when their parents died?

I'm posting this in the Relationships forum; hope its the right one. Thanks--

hi i totally understand where you come from always craving for some posative attention i know how hard it is when all you want is some good to come out of it but insted we all end up with feeling like we never meet there high expectations but remember dont give up and please dont ever say say i want my parents to die as i dont have any family so i alone an i hate every moment of it and i wish my family was here

I don't think it will resolve the issue. If they are 'always in your head' and you are not always around them, it'd appear where they are doesn't have an effect (your place, their house, south of france, a grave; probably still be in your head). I'm afraid I don't know what the solution is, probably involves therapy. Hope things work out

I agree feeling this way, won't solve the problems for you - it will only make it worse and feeling these destructive emotions damage you in the long run. I think you should try to solve the problem or accept the fact that you're an adult - what they say or think doesn't really matter anymore. I hope you feel better.

It might be unrealistic of me to hope to be absolved of my parents' low opinions of me upon their death, I admit.

What bought this up for me this morning was a conversation I had with my mother recently about the health care debate. My mother knows that I am on SSDI and am barely scraping by. She never misses the opportunity to talk about how much she's against 'welfare' and people who are "too lazy to work" etc, etc. The not so subtle message is that if it were up to her I'd be out on the street along with the rest of the 'welfare bums.'

I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but I can't tell you how much her comments about this (and a number of other issues) hurts me.

Believe me, I feel horribly guilty about being on welfare. I would go to work in a hot second if someone would hire me. I may be a lot of things, but I am NOT lazy. But I'm just not presentable. I seem to radiate instability and low self-esteem, qualities that employers are not looking for. I've tried to fake it and appear cool, confident, and competent, but I just can't pull it off. I have always been a terrible actor.

Maybe I don't wish them dead. I just want them to stop hurting me. Yeah, I don't measure up. Never have. I got it. I just wish they'd just stop making this clear to me at every possible opportunity.

It is my experience cypher that the source of all feelings good and bad is between my ears. When I lay an opinion of me onto the shoulders of another I am just procrastinating again about the real issues.

Your parents may see you differently than you see them seeing you. Projection is an amazing process that supports many of our own illusions.

I believe that whatever relief you would feel in their passing would be filled with some level of shame in wishing it so...Your issues are not with the structure of their feelings..but your own.

With Care,

Lenny

[quote=Lenny;1173257]It is my experience cypher that the source of all feelings good and bad is between my ears. When I lay an opinion of me onto the shoulders of another I am just procrastinating again about the real issues.

I agree, to an extent. I also believe, however, that feelings exist between people, feelings that originate in the relationship itself. So while it is true that my good and bad feelings are "between my ears", I also believe that they extend beyond my head into my relationships with others, and vice-versa.

The "real issue" here is that I am down and depressed and I let my mother get to me and I feel like a hurt little kid again like I usually do when we talk. My own fault, I know, I know. I'm definitely not a child anymore and I hate it when I feel like one in relation to my parents. Yet another issue I need to work on. Sigh.

that is kind of hard to read. My mother was my abuser. When she got cancer I got scared. I never wished her dead. I would never do that to anyone but I did wish she didn't have such a bad affect on me and my emotions. With that said when she died I had so many emotions go thru me at one time it amazed me. I was sad she was gone, sad that she didn't love me, glad she was gone, sad that she would never be able to tell me she was sorry. I was 35 when she died. I thought that was the end of it but it wasn't. I was taught very early in my childhood that as long as there was breath there was hope. You are 48, time to sit your parents down and let them know how they are making you feel. time to take your life back from them. Become a survivor and not a victim. YOU know what you are and what you are capable of. No need to prove to anyone but yourself. Good luck there.

Am I understanding correctly that your parents have been sending you the message "you don't measure up" your whole life or at least from a time before you went on disability?

By the way, my personal experience is that death does not erase "parental tapes."

Hi cypher....

What extends outward are the behaviors we attach to feelings. Feelings never hurt anyone but obviously actions do.

The point I was inadequate in relating was that we are not in any way responsible for another persons feelings nor even what they do with them. If they are insensitive and say things that are hurtfull and damaging I cannot change those things.

But I can change how I feel about them and how they effect me. I can say that I will not measure myself, my worth, my value or potential on the feelings of others unless I have determinined that there is value in those opinions. That determination normally comes from measuring how they treat others....and themselves consistently over a period of time.

I am sorry if I seemed insensitive cypher,,I know that you are hurting.

Lenny

Hi Cypher,

I know of what you are talking about. My mother taught me from the age of three how to hate her and hate myself. She hit me and beat me. She taught me that I deserved to be abused. I am still dealing with it. What she taught me were lies and I had to decide that I wasn't going to believe them but it isn't easy. It takes work and practice.

After my mother died, some interesting things have come to light and I am still working to forgive her. But one interesting thing is that it feels safe to tell the truth now. When she was alive, telling the truth felt like I was disrespecting her. But now, she knows the truth. And everyone can know the truth.

When she died, I grieved her death. My mom died. It hurt. She was my mom. No matter what she did to me, she was my mom. I took care of her before she died of cancer. I would not have changed that. I wanted to do it.

I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. What makes you think that feeling this way will magically end upon their death? Every time you fail or do anything you think they will not approve of for the rest of your life, you will feel that shame and smallness you're feeling now. Because YOU give these people their power.

I know these feeling are real to you, and therefore an issue. I also know that there are people out there that are incapable of expressing themselves in a positive way. Ie, Mom I got a 98 on my paper and mom replies why didn't you get 100.

You are 48, old enough to express yourself in a mature meaningful way. If your parents do say or do something that makes you feel, call them on it. Let them know how this continues to negatively impact your life. If they will not respect you and your boundaries cut them out of your life.

If a hot topic comes up that you know you'll disagree upon, why even enter into the conversation? Just agree to disagree, neither of you will change the other person's mind.

I agree with the other posters. Both of my parents are gone, and I won't talk to my family now, because I refuse to be stressed out, told I'm worthless, etc, etc, etc. I have told them on many occasions that I don't want it, and I don't need it. Well I had enough, so this is the end result. I think that you should tell your parents how you feel. You can't change them though. Just tell them that your not going to allow them to disrespect you like that. Usually people who say there is something wrong with us, likely have issues if not more issues then what we have. I can't even tell you how many people have told me things about my life that they don't like, and I just tell them that I live my life for me, and not for you. If you don't like what I do, then that's your issue, not mine.

I agree with the other posters. The word codependency is one you really need to research. You define yourself by how your parents feel about you even though you are 48 years old. When a person grows up with abuse or other unhealthy issues they get warped ideas and beliefs about themselves.

The more I understand codependency issues the more clearly I see how I go bent by the cruelty and neglect that defined my childhood.

My "mother" died at 62 of cancer after only a 6 weeks time period. My whole life imploded as every bit of abuse, issues, abandonment, cruelty and neglect blew up inside me and I did not know what to do with these unresolved issues. I wish I had known about codependency when I was younger, but I am grateful for how far I have come since 1992 when she died.

Sadly I never miss my "mother" ever. I often wonder what it would be like to have had a mom who loved me and a mom who was here for me now. I struggle with loneliness, it is an ever-present shadow over my heart. But, I am alive, I broke the chains of abuse and did not pass them on to my own two precious children and I'm learning how to hold my head up in a marriage I helped damage due to my codepency on my mate.

If you hear nothing else from all of us I PRAY you will get it through your mind that the pain and misery inside of you has less to do with your family than with your own thinking and choices.

I usually try to be very sympathetic because I've been in so much pain in my own life - but that isn't what you need most. You need truth to hear that you are letting them keep you a victim - IT IS YOUR CHOICE. There is help out here - get tired of the guilt and shame and look for your freedom. I hope you can hear me, because I really DO get it!!!!! When you finally DO "get it" you will NEVER call yourself a cypher again.

wow...how can you feel like that? I just lost my dad and that's the worse thing ever has happened to me....I cry everyday for not having him in my life....
Parents are the only two people on earth that they would love you no matter who you are....they always love you....
and if you are this much misrable and not liking them...why don't you move on and go to another city or country and live far from them....instead of wishing them dead...that's not good

OK, OK!!! I wish my parents would live forever! They're wonderful and I love them and they love me and we're a happily family.

Should have known that wishing one's parents dead was too taboo for any forum. Story of my life: open up, be honest, and then shut the hell up when everyone freaks out.

I shouldn't have said I wished them DEAD when I actually wish them GONE. Again. I habor no fantasies of them suffering or dying painfully. I WOULD feel horribly guilty if they were to suffer. That wasn't what I was trying to convey.

And, yes, I have cut off contact with them, for years at a time. Then I start to miss them (I'm a sentimental guy and will come to miss anyone at some point) and call them (there's my codependency). And I have moved away. I live in San Francisco, they live in Louisianna.

You would think I posted a thread saying "I wish my kittens would die" or something.

My parents have become elderly Right Wing "hatriots" (hateful 'patriots') who seem to long for "undeserving" people (i.e., people like me) to disappear. They have this conservative social Darwinist philosophy of 'survival of the fittest and to hell with the 'weak' (and guess who turned out to be weak?). I try NOT to to discuss current events and issues with them, but they are conservative, political people. And what are we going to talk about? How loving and close we've always been? Right.

I wish there was a place to discuss controversial emotional issues without having to worry about shocking and offending others. Frankly, I'm tired of toning my "truth" down in concern for the armies of the overly sensitive and fragile people.

EVERYONE DIES. This is the natural order of things. I fail to see how wishing for the inevitable is so terrible. Again, I DO NOT WISH THAT THEY SUFFER OR EXPERIENCE PAIN. I am NOT motivated by REVENGE for them. I don't want to kill them, or have them killed by anyone else. I don't want their health to suffer. If I did, trust me, I'd say so.

And they were abusive to me, physically/mentally/emotionally. But I know that they did the best they could with me. And I was a difficult child (my issues, I'll admit, started way back). But they were terribly abusive. But there's no point in talking about that.

So forget what I said. May all parents live eternally, because they obviously all love and cherish their children. I was just being selfish, immature, and ungrateful.

OK?!

Ok, that was uncalled for. I'm sorry. Obviously, this is a hot issue for me and everyone who's posted here. Here I am trying to make friends and now I'm going off on everyone. I apologize if I offended anyone or if I was too controversial. Again, story of my life.

Hope everyone I upset forgives me. Are we ok now? Mike

It's okay Cypher - I think it's okay to say what you feel. I think many teenagers(not that you're one LOL) have had the fleeting thought of "I wish my parents were dead". I think you're very angry and frustrated - justifiably so. But you should know that carrying these emotions around is toxic for you. In fact if you don't get a hold of those emotions you may end up sick and die BEFORE your parents LOL(not intended to be mean). Think of your parents and the emotions you feel regarding them - imagine it's like a ball and chain wrapped around your ankle. How can you break free of this burden.

You don't need to apologize - we all have our moments where we think and feel strong emotions. Please feel free and continue to share.

that's okay...that's what you feel, but not a good feelings though...
we choose our friends, but we stuck with our family members....no change in them really...that's how they are...and they will be our sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins and mother and father....no change of the person...you can go get married, then divorce and change the partner, but no way you can change your mother....you stuck with her forever....but wishing dead is not constructive at all....probably, you should change your mind and wish them so much happiness that they get so busy then they don't care about your life anymore....
and the other hand, why are you so concern about them what they think or want from you? who cares? I always have this conversation with my sisters, we always want to make mom happy but that's not possible....she likes stuff that we don't...well...I talked to her...I told her we are adult and we make our own choices....she wasn't happy with that, but she doesn't have a choice! she constantly complaining about my sisters to me and I hate that, because I love them so much....and I know mom is complaining about me to them too...that's how it works...but deep down I know she loves us so much and she wants a best for us in her own way....her way might not work for us anymore, but she's still my mom...and she still the person who gave me birth and loves me so much no matter what I do or who I am.....
take care of yourself and be good to them....just don't discuss the stuff that is way from their beliefs, and agree with them verbally, then they don't bother you anymore!
best of luck
Marjan

There already exists a world where they have no control over you. It is in your mind. You are way too old (not that you are old, lol) to care about what your parents think. I pretty much quit doing that in high school.

You have to accept that you are in charge now. Not them. So, do what you need to, but only in the positive. Focus on the positive.

You are focusing on the negative by wishing they'd die, because as you already know and others have pointed out, that doesn't solve the problem and may add guilt, which is not productive.

We have to accept that we have no control (or very little at least) over other people, but, we do over ourselves (we try anyway). One of my favorite sayings is, if you can't change your circumstances,(which we usually can't) change your attitude. And, that is the hard part, right?

It is hard, but no harm in trying. Have a great day, and I hope you re-think this...I know you don't really mean that. A~

[ I hope you re-think this...I know you don't really mean that. A~

Oh yes he does !- just kidding - we need a little humor here.

PS: You don't have to apologize for putting it up. I just noticed all the back and forth stuff, lol. You should be free too say here what you really feel. It is not too taboo to say that. Who hasn't ever thought that? I used to all the time when I was a child. It is just a reaction to anger that we feel when they make us mad. One we need to learn to control, but, you can think and say what you really feel. No one, can tell you OR should tell you how to feel. It is perfectly ok to express youself. When I mention things, they are meant as suggestions, not orders. We are trying to help each other here, right? That is what this forum is for. You are brave and I like that. A~

LOL...we sure do. Gee. A~

YOU SAID IT!!

I did mean it . . . but not nearly to the extent -- or in the way -- that some posters seem to think! Please, some of the more judgemental responses are starting to get me down. I know that everyone means well, but putting judgements on people's feelings is not really helpful. Let's lighten up! Whew!

Hey, Multipixie9, I hear ya. But there is a meaning to my username -- cypher-- that you may not have considered, which is also the reason I chose the handle.

True, one meaning of the word 'cipher' (also cypher) means zero, a nobody, an inconsequential person. Believe me, some days I feel this way!

But the deeper meaning of the term, and the one I most resonate with, is the definition of 'cipher' as mystery. For instance, when you decipher something, you demystify it (or solve the mystery).

I am certainly a cypher to myself alot of the time, lemme tellya. I am constantly having to de-cypher my own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, ect. And don't get me started about the de-cyphering I have to try to do on OTHERS! Most of the time, frankly, those decyphering skills are just over my head . . .

So when you think "cypher" don't (automatically, I should say) think 0, think ??? . Love, Mike