oh gosh, guys, thank you all so much for your replies . i'm still a bit spacey but i guess i have to start processing everything at some point, and the spacey-ness doesn't seem to be going away.

re: the sui stuff. i'm doing a lot better today. put it down to pms. it's difficult to manage these days because i have no idea when the next time will be. i can't say that i've ruled it out completely, but the urge and desire to do it has lessened. not it's more a remote possibility, as opposed to something to plan & work towards.

re: austin T & the sui stuff. i think i'm going to have to bring it up with him. i'm not quite sure what to say, though. i was thinking something like finding myself in a difficult situation, because i want to be honest but also respect his boundaries about not talking about that stuff. like, even if we don't go into it in huge depth - it's little things. e.g., he asked me what i'd been doing on thursday, and i told him packing up my room, and he assumed it was just to tidy away uni notes/prepare for moving out whereas i was doing it for... other reasons . i mean, maybe he doesn't need to know. but i feel like i'm being intentionally deceptive by keeping quiet as well, and that doesn't sit well with me.

in terms of motivation to move, i think it's fairly obvious that if i had actually cared about my emotional/physical/whatever wellbeing as a first priority i would have moved out a long time ago. but my main motivation has always been uni - staying at uni, completing uni, progressing etc - so i've always assessed everything in terms of that. i've stayed at home up until this point because it was what i thought was best in terms of supporting the uni thing. the only reason i'm considering moving out now is because it has become apparent in the past 4-6 weeks that things at home have deteriorated to a level such that i can't continue/complete my studies. so, i want to move out so i can continue the uni thing.

but of course, the problem is that i didnt do my 2 final exams. because the interfering events happened a while back, i'm not sure if they'll let me sit a supplementary. i need to check. but if they don't, then... the motivation to move out goes back to zero. i dont have it in me to do another year at this same stupid undergrad level, i need (for my sanity) to progress into an honours year. so that's the first condition: i need to be able to sit the supplementaries.

re: where i actually live. not on campus because of the culture (and not an option anyway, given the financial situation). would prefer to live by myself, but prepared to share with 1-2 others (so long as i knew one of them first i.e., not moving into a household with complete strangers). i'm adamant about the strangers thing, and i'm adamant about the campus thing. we had new neighbours move in about 2 years ago, and for the first six months i couldn't sleep because i was in that much panic about the new noises & routines etc. so i need the new place to be 'safe', and that means either living by myself or living with ppl who i trust. i want a lock on my door, too. i would have thought this was standard, but a lot of the adverts i've been looking at specify no locks. that makes me feel really ick.

re: $$$ to pay for all of this. i'm on a disability pension now which barely covers food/medical costs. i do have enough savings to get me by for the first year, but i would need to look at picking up a part time job. all of this starts to feel like too much for me. i dropped my job this year because the depression got too bad (to the point of pdoc suggesting ECT). i dont know how i'll cope with a part time job, part time honours, living by myself etc. it makes me want to give up.

this is so lovely, NF. i'm going to try and look at it this way from now on. thank you .



this is part of what is tying me up. my parents are very traditional/conservative. in their(my) culture, you don't move out of home until you're married. especially if you're a girl. it's a shame thing.

one of my cousins was dating a girl who wasn't from our cultural background. his parents made it hell for him, and because he thought the relationship was going somewhere, he moved out. not with her, just by himself. his parents forbade him to tell anyone else and stopped talking to him for 3 years. in his case, he was ridiculously close to his parents - he really did worship them. probably was worse for him because of it - he never anticipated that they would do that.

my parents... *shrug*. they've trashed my things before when they've been angry. so i'm worried about leaving things behind. i'm not even sure if i should tell them i'm thinking about moving out. they'll be gone for 10 days in december, which would be ample time for me to collect my gear & go. but that essentially would mean severing ties with them, and i dont want to hurt them in that way anyway. but then if i tell them... i'm not sure. i dont think things will get violent but i do know they'll try every trick in the book to make me doubt myself and wear me down. but maybe if they realise i'm doing it anyway then we could have a civil sort of relationship once i'm out? they'll be emotionally abusive until i've left, but maybe they'll turn around once i'm gone? i dont know.

i'm going in to uni tomorrow. talk to the src, and see if i can talk to any academic advisors about my missed exams. i suspect they would allow me to resit them (the dept only gets paid if you pass a subject, not merely take it - so they have a vested interest in passing as many ppl as possible) but i dont know whether to push my luck and ask for the exam to be scheduled in the period my family is away. it would be a good opportunity for me to prepare without being stressed, so at least i could pass everything. but then if i'm moving out during that period then it could be really bad.

i guess i need to sort the uni thing out first. no point getting ahead of myself and trying to balance moving out etc if uni isn't happening.