austin t. moving out. not coping & things he refuses to talk about.

oh gosh, guys, thank you all so much for your replies . i'm still a bit spacey but i guess i have to start processing everything at some point, and the spacey-ness doesn't seem to be going away.

re: the sui stuff. i'm doing a lot better today. put it down to pms. it's difficult to manage these days because i have no idea when the next time will be. i can't say that i've ruled it out completely, but the urge and desire to do it has lessened. not it's more a remote possibility, as opposed to something to plan & work towards.

re: austin T & the sui stuff. i think i'm going to have to bring it up with him. i'm not quite sure what to say, though. i was thinking something like finding myself in a difficult situation, because i want to be honest but also respect his boundaries about not talking about that stuff. like, even if we don't go into it in huge depth - it's little things. e.g., he asked me what i'd been doing on thursday, and i told him packing up my room, and he assumed it was just to tidy away uni notes/prepare for moving out whereas i was doing it for... other reasons . i mean, maybe he doesn't need to know. but i feel like i'm being intentionally deceptive by keeping quiet as well, and that doesn't sit well with me.

in terms of motivation to move, i think it's fairly obvious that if i had actually cared about my emotional/physical/whatever wellbeing as a first priority i would have moved out a long time ago. but my main motivation has always been uni - staying at uni, completing uni, progressing etc - so i've always assessed everything in terms of that. i've stayed at home up until this point because it was what i thought was best in terms of supporting the uni thing. the only reason i'm considering moving out now is because it has become apparent in the past 4-6 weeks that things at home have deteriorated to a level such that i can't continue/complete my studies. so, i want to move out so i can continue the uni thing.

but of course, the problem is that i didnt do my 2 final exams. because the interfering events happened a while back, i'm not sure if they'll let me sit a supplementary. i need to check. but if they don't, then... the motivation to move out goes back to zero. i dont have it in me to do another year at this same stupid undergrad level, i need (for my sanity) to progress into an honours year. so that's the first condition: i need to be able to sit the supplementaries.

re: where i actually live. not on campus because of the culture (and not an option anyway, given the financial situation). would prefer to live by myself, but prepared to share with 1-2 others (so long as i knew one of them first i.e., not moving into a household with complete strangers). i'm adamant about the strangers thing, and i'm adamant about the campus thing. we had new neighbours move in about 2 years ago, and for the first six months i couldn't sleep because i was in that much panic about the new noises & routines etc. so i need the new place to be 'safe', and that means either living by myself or living with ppl who i trust. i want a lock on my door, too. i would have thought this was standard, but a lot of the adverts i've been looking at specify no locks. that makes me feel really ick.

re: $$$ to pay for all of this. i'm on a disability pension now which barely covers food/medical costs. i do have enough savings to get me by for the first year, but i would need to look at picking up a part time job. all of this starts to feel like too much for me. i dropped my job this year because the depression got too bad (to the point of pdoc suggesting ECT). i dont know how i'll cope with a part time job, part time honours, living by myself etc. it makes me want to give up.

this is so lovely, NF. i'm going to try and look at it this way from now on. thank you .



this is part of what is tying me up. my parents are very traditional/conservative. in their(my) culture, you don't move out of home until you're married. especially if you're a girl. it's a shame thing.

one of my cousins was dating a girl who wasn't from our cultural background. his parents made it hell for him, and because he thought the relationship was going somewhere, he moved out. not with her, just by himself. his parents forbade him to tell anyone else and stopped talking to him for 3 years. in his case, he was ridiculously close to his parents - he really did worship them. probably was worse for him because of it - he never anticipated that they would do that.

my parents... *shrug*. they've trashed my things before when they've been angry. so i'm worried about leaving things behind. i'm not even sure if i should tell them i'm thinking about moving out. they'll be gone for 10 days in december, which would be ample time for me to collect my gear & go. but that essentially would mean severing ties with them, and i dont want to hurt them in that way anyway. but then if i tell them... i'm not sure. i dont think things will get violent but i do know they'll try every trick in the book to make me doubt myself and wear me down. but maybe if they realise i'm doing it anyway then we could have a civil sort of relationship once i'm out? they'll be emotionally abusive until i've left, but maybe they'll turn around once i'm gone? i dont know.

i'm going in to uni tomorrow. talk to the src, and see if i can talk to any academic advisors about my missed exams. i suspect they would allow me to resit them (the dept only gets paid if you pass a subject, not merely take it - so they have a vested interest in passing as many ppl as possible) but i dont know whether to push my luck and ask for the exam to be scheduled in the period my family is away. it would be a good opportunity for me to prepare without being stressed, so at least i could pass everything. but then if i'm moving out during that period then it could be really bad.

i guess i need to sort the uni thing out first. no point getting ahead of myself and trying to balance moving out etc if uni isn't happening.

i havent slept.
i keep thinking, maybe i made all of this up and nothing happened and im about to make a big mistake and tell people and things will spiral out of control.
i dont want to hurt anyone in my family.

i want to call up austin-t or pdoc and ask them what to do but it doesnt make a difference if they believe me if i dont believe myself.

Deli, you didn't make anything up. Austin T knows you and he wouldn't have recommended you talk to someone for help unless he believed you and thought you needed this. You have outside validators--T and pdoc--who know you are telling the truth.

I understand that very much, so perhaps you can start the conversation off with what would be the consequences of your discussion. Learn if any interventions will be taken against your family if you say such and such. Maybe you can strike a balance between getting help from the src and revealing something that would have negative consequences and ramifications. Do you know what I mean? Also, do you know if you will have confidentiality with the src? (I am not sure what the src is--a social worker?)

Be a scientist and use the fact that they believe you as evidence that what happened really did. Can you do that? It DOES make a difference if they believe you even if your own certainty is faltering right now.

Deli, thanks for explaining about the culture of your family. I apologize for trying to apply the cultural norms of my culture to your situation. I can see they don't necessarily fit. Would it bother you to have no ties at all with your family due to a rupture caused by your moving out? (Maybe you would be glad to be done with them? Maybe not.)

Deli, I'm not sure I understand that. Wouldn't you be motivated to move out no matter what? Why would that depend on if you sit for the 2 exams or not?

Deli, if you don't take the supplementary exams, couldn't you just repeat the 2 courses instead of going an entire year? Just repeat one quarter or semester? (I may not be understanding your educational system correctly....) Also, what is an honours year? Is it like a Master's degree? Do you get a degree from doing this year that will qualify you for a profession or help you get your Ph.D. or another benefit?

Deli, that does sound like a lot (although the living alone may be easier to cope with than living with family). I'm wondering if you could finish your undergraduate degree, hopefully by sitting the supplementary, and then put graduate work (I'm assuming that's what the honours year is) on hold for now, and focus on getting a job and being independent. That would give you fewer things to focus on all at once--less overwhelming. Will your undergraduate degree give you good prospects for finding a job? Maybe you could live on your own, work for 1-2 years, and then return to grad school for your master's or doctorate--whatever your goal is. Just putting some alternative ideas out there... Sorry if they totally don't apply (I do not know your educational system).

I'm thinking of you, Deli, and hoping you will find solutions. I know you are trying, and you have T trying to help you too. (When I read things like your story, I really wish I could help, and I think, Deli should just come and live in my house. I have a house way too big for me and my daughter, now that my XH and other daughter have moved out. I have space for the taking! The entire daylight basement, with a bedroom and its own kitchen, is unoccupied. However, I am very messy.... Anyway, there's my little "helping fantasy" for the day. )

Deli, you sound like me 10 yrs ago. I had an excuse for every suggestion people gave me as to why i couldn't do this or that. I was really just scared! I was really stuck for a long time. You have to take the steps to move forward in your life. And they are scary. Sometimes we feel it's better to stay in a miserable situation because the alternatives could always be worse...that is always how I thought nomatter how bad things got. I was so afraid of uncertainty. My T says go towards the fear. If you are looking for the ideal set of circumstances before you will take any action, then you will be stuck forever. There are going to be pros and cons to every situation. Maybe you could make a list of the pros and cons of each option available to you and decide which is the best way to go from there.

You're not making anthing up. You don't do that. That's not who you are.

No, you don't want to hurt anyone. And you won't hurt anyone. You can only help. If someone does some bad things, utlimately it hurts them, too, to act that way. They can't enjoy life as much; they're limited in their ability to function and succeed and enjoy. It is good for them to get help, and that can only happen with the truth being told. It's maturity to want and try to help people get better even if in the short-term they don't recognize their mistakes. Maybe what they do hurts other people, so you can end up helping people they would end up hurting if they didn't get help themselves.

Like Sunrise said, look at it like a scientist. Austin-T and pdoc believe you, know you well enough to judge if you're making sense, and they care about you. You can't walk over them, they'll listen and critically think about whatever you say to sort everything out. You can trust that they'll be honest with you, give objective views, and that they don't doubt your integrity.

Dearest Deli,

change is scary and your inner child will be wanting to stay where it is rather than go intot he unkown - the self doubt you have is only natural - i have asked my self a thousand times if this is real - if i made it up -

Pdoc and Austin T are used to dealing with people who make things up they belive you and so do i - denal is a detour in the healing road.....
you can stay there a while before you move on ..... but we know the truth - you know the truth - in your heart you know..

i think its a good idea to ask AustnT about why he doesnt talk about SU if you need to talk about it - will pdoc talk ? i think he would - have you mentioned it to him - apologies if you say youve talked to him -

Deli dearest friend - please take care of you -
let me know if i can help - remember i am only a stones throw away

P7

((((i love you guys all so much. thank you for keeping me sane through this))).

re: doubting myself. i dont remember if i mentioned on this thread or not - i saw a counsellor at uni last week to try & figure out exam stuff, but he essentially told me there wasn't any reason to believe i was telling the truth because anyone could make up the same stuff. old-T was kind of the same - he believed me on the "light" stuff but not on the stuff i found hard to disclose. it feeds into my self doubt about the veracity of my recollections.

austin t called me today - i had sent him the forms to fill out but told him i didnt know if i was lying because no one believes me. he told me he was very displeased with what that counsellor had said to me, and had gone to talk to one of his colleagues who works at my uni also and had argued with her about the situation too. he said the good thing is that she told him what to write so they are likely to approve my getting a supplementary exam.

he also sent me an email later on and said he wouldn't be spending all the time that he did on me if he didnt believe me. and that "the psych there needs to have his head read himself" .

i spoke to the src (= student representative council). they said that one of the places they rely on for emergency accomodation is being renovated, so they really cant help out right now. they did give me a number to call that could help with free removals/storage and also money for a bond. it was really difficult because the person i had made the appt with (over the phone) was a girl, but then the person who spoke with me was a guy, and i was too scared to tell him what was really happening. maybe he would have helped more if he knew what was happening, but i had the impression he felt like i was wasting his time.

it's ok, sunny!! my parents are first generation migrants, but i was born in australia. i get caught between "my" (very much more liberal) culture and their way of seeing things. it is difficult because i want to respect their belief system, but at the same time i dont agree that a lot of it is right and i dont want to be subject to it (of course, they see things differently). even with their faults, i do love my folks a lot. and i have a pretty large extended family (more like a mini continent - my cousin's wedding had 600 guests, and they were being picky about who to invite) but i would lose contact with a lot of them if there was a big family rupture. they would have to side with my parents, i understand that. but it would be sad for me - to go from instant community to nothing.

i'm doing a bachelor of arts. an honours year is something you tack onto the end of that - it's when you do your independent research projects instead of attending lectures etc. it is kind of like a masters equivalent - you either do well in honours (1 year) or average in masters (2 years) as a stepping stone into a phd. honours is still undergrad level, whereas masters/phd are postgrad.

for most professions it doesn't really matter, but the way psych is organised in australia requires that you have a 4 year undergraduate degree (3 years of arts/science & 1 year honours). then 2 years practical experience. then 2 years masters. and (finally!) if you want to call yourself a doctor, do your phd. *snort*

if i'm able to finish my honours year, i can register as an intern psychologist and get paid to do the 2 years experience thing. it's not unheard of, but things would be tricky to graduate with my BA and then try & gain admission to extend it to a 4th year later on. and the jobs i'd be looking at with just a BA would have pretty poor prospects in terms of income. Austin-t calls it the "Bugger All" degree.

i love your fantasy!! in fact, i might just settle myself in to your place (in a fantasy kind of way, of course).

hi tay. thanks for sharing. about the fear. it's kind of hard to explain to ppl how paralysed i feel by it all. which makes me feel really stupid - to be scared, more scared of moving out than living in a guaranteed unsafe situation.

i know no one thinks it's a big deal, and everyone keeps saying it's only temporary, but i am getting a lot out of this trip to japan, yknow. the longest ive been alone was at the beginning of this year when i was having hallucinations & my family went on holidays for about a week. but even then i was at home and everything was set up.

the japan thing is good for me because it's building up my confidence a tiny bit. just really stupid things like even booking a hotel, and figuring out how to travel around and stuff. and im going with my friends, so that could be interesting too. im a really sociable person when im out, but i tend to go home and completely crash and that's something im scared about with sharing with other ppl - that they'll think i'm a loser because i dont go out on the weekends etc.

(((((((((impy && P7))))))))))) i want to reply to your posts buy quite honestly im starting to drift off now because im tired. i will try to read them again tomorrow.