pdoc bought a book because he thought the title looked interesting.

after reading the book he decided that he wanted to give it to me.

usually when we talk books we just tell each other where to go buy the ones we recommend. but this time he wants me to own the copy that he read. not just borrow it, but to keep it as mine.

he said i didnt need to read the whole thing, he just wants me to read a little bit. he then changed his mind and said he specifically doesn't want me to read the whole thing. just to read a little bit, because he thinks that would be enough. and he wants me to talk to him while i'm reading it, because he doesn't want me to get hurt. he wants to supervise.

it is a little essay written by an ex-oxford philosophy prof on mental manipulation and thought control. he said he wants me to read it because it will validate and ground my experience but also (and this is what triggered me right off) because it will help me understand what was going through the perp's mind when it was being done to me.

i am so angry that pdoc wants me to change my mind on what was happening. so, so angry. and angrier still that he is doing it in this way. feels like manipulation to me .

and scared. really, really scared. pdoc has never even used those words before - 'thought control' - so why is he using those words with me now? i want to tell him that i'm a good person so he doesn't need to hurt me but maybe he is right?