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I mean, why would I go to her if I didn't think she could help pull me out of this mess and mire. So then, why still the power struggle in my mind, and being sold on a specific date???

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I don't have any answers for you, but this happens to me a lot. T tells me it is part of my PTSD and the environment I grew up in, always expecting to die. (Mine was more about age than a specific date) I was shocked that I made it to 40...I never thought I'd live that long.

I am glad your T is aware.

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Perhaps that is the most frightening thing...I am not thinking irrationally or out or impulse or in haste.

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I also understand the clarity thing. When I have those times, they scare me. I don't know how to live with clarity and peace. Are thoughts more real in peace? I dunno. As much as I hate the turmoil...at least I'm familiar with it. I fight the change. It frightens me.

I know I wasn't much help here, but I just wanted you to know I hear you and understand completely.

Petunia