A Lot to Think about.....(not for the weak stomached)

I have a lot to think about in the next couple of weeks.
I have been feeling slightly better for the past 2 or so days...but my definition of better and others definition could be different.
I feel good. I feel strong. I feel confident.
The problem is...none of that means I don't want to vanish into thin air. In fact, feeling better and clearer in my head only makes me more sure that there is only one way to total freedom.
Trying to listen to God, seeing if His still small voice can still be heard in side of me.
It isn't about the good in my life, it isn't about the people who could be left behind...I mean, I have a good job, I am in a loving long term relationship, I have $, I have good friends....
But I still cannot squelch the thought that makes me believe my time is coming to an end.
I saw my T last night. She is aware of my time table.
She wants me to believe...and a part of me does.
I mean, why would I go to her if I didn't think she could help pull me out of this mess and mire. So then, why still the power struggle in my mind, and being sold on a specific date???
I am safe. So don't misunderstand my post here. It isn't about being unsafe. It is about making a choice.
36 years of misery are coming to a head.
And, believe it or not I am at my sanist point in my life..
Perhaps that is the most frightening thing...I am not thinking irrationally or out or impulse or in haste.
Any way....a lot to think about...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{sj0401}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Are you planning to do something, that you know you shouldn't do? And if you are please talk to us more!

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I mean, why would I go to her if I didn't think she could help pull me out of this mess and mire. So then, why still the power struggle in my mind, and being sold on a specific date???

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I don't have any answers for you, but this happens to me a lot. T tells me it is part of my PTSD and the environment I grew up in, always expecting to die. (Mine was more about age than a specific date) I was shocked that I made it to 40...I never thought I'd live that long.

I am glad your T is aware.

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Perhaps that is the most frightening thing...I am not thinking irrationally or out or impulse or in haste.

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I also understand the clarity thing. When I have those times, they scare me. I don't know how to live with clarity and peace. Are thoughts more real in peace? I dunno. As much as I hate the turmoil...at least I'm familiar with it. I fight the change. It frightens me.

I know I wasn't much help here, but I just wanted you to know I hear you and understand completely.

Petunia

Susu, When I was younger I thaught I would die at the age of 21 no reason it would just happen, here I am at 55 and Im still going strong, you have a purpose in life I found that we are here for a good reason, I found a special friend in you and that I feel is our purpose
Love
Angie

First Id like to say for you to speak about this so clearly and strongly I have total respect for you and you have money, family, a job and that is great but you are looking for something more? Maybe a purpose in life? A reason to breath everyday that makes sense for you to *really* be here? Maybe not and maybe Im slow and dont understand but for you to post this.. You made my day a whole lot more!! and for just that Id like to thank you.

I have thoughts not of sucide, that is the farthest thing from my mind being that one of my OCD traits is fear of dying and I always think..when? when? why? how? will anyone care? but if I ask those questions or let on that I have those thoughts, It will come true and I will die. I have neverfelt that calmness in my life, my mother always says you grow into your fears and when you get older you dont fear getting older.. Well I do NOT understand how someone can feel that way, or when people say Im ready to die or I know I will die we were all born to die, my brain screams DONT SAY THAT! (that would be a control issue of the OCD too ) but not to ramble anymore and confuse anyone longer, I just wanted to say that you talking this way with such calmness, I wish to be like that someday where the worry is gone.
Remember there is a reason you are here that has nothing to do with money, status or family.... Something or Someone needs you.

Take Care and Sorry if this makes no sense to anyone.
*my head spews and I cant control it sometimes*

susan, i understand how you are feeling. however, i'm selfish and i don't want you to do it. i value you as a friend, very much, and want you to have a happy and serene life. what can we do to help? let me know.......xoxox pat p.s. i'll be on tomorrow a.m.

Not sure what there can be done.
The fact is I am not impulsive in this thinking.
It is with clarity, strength.
I still have time to get out of it. I know there has to be some sort of miracle or godly intervention.
I had a pdoc appt tonight. Problem is...this is only the second appt with this woman and I really don't trust her or like to talk with her. So, I just told her cymbalta seems to be fine, no side affects. She says things I have no idea what she is talking about. She asked me if my depression is anybetter and I told her today like 2 weeks ago I am not in a severe depression...just have bouts of extreme withdrawl and sadness.
Told her my good thoughts are now working side by side with my bad thoughts to make them parrallell. It is actually getting difficult to distinguish.

Again, let me repeat....I am dealing with my T on this issue of having a time line. I am not just typing in here and not telling someone IRL. She is aware of my thoughts and I am working together with her despite how my head is thinking.

Typing here helps...I can get it out and get feed back and know I am not alone.

Still, I have a lot to consider. Sometimes I believe this is my destiny....

Thanks for listening....
I am trying to figure it all out...I promise.

Trust me, I do understand it's something to constantly live with a time line: I have that with each 1st of the month (injury occurred) and other anniversary dates... and the thought of another year or 1/2 year seems always TOO MUCH! I have always believed that keeping this "option" open allowed me to continue to try and live. My T has another perspective: that there's no way I can learn to live with keeping this option wide open.

I was/am angry at him for not understanding.. yet, what if he is right and I have not tried his perspective? So while it's not a quick fix (because I have no idea how to live without knowing I can suicide at any moment) I'm trying to follow his lead in what else there might be. Meanwhile, I still suffer... the physical pain, the emotional frustration, the psychological inabilities...

susan, i'm glad you're having a dialogue with your T about your time line. PM me, if you have time. xoxo pat

I have to admit I am feeling better. Cymbalta could be starting to really make a difference now that it has been a solid two weeks.
Still have 18 days to consider what I will do.
My T got a little pissy with me yesterday when I mentioned some insurance issues I was having seeing the pdoc and that it may not matter in 2 weeks anyway.
At this time...I no longer have a pdoc. My insurance has a $2500 deductible I have to meet first before it picks up any of the tab. Figures, right...I finally say I will see a pdoc and that happens.
I have to decide if I should call my Primary doctor to see if she will be able to presribe the cymbalta.
But, I have this time line in my head and need to see how that plays itself out before I worry if I can stay on cymbalta or not.
Like I said, I am feeling better. And yet, that will not have impact on my decision. I simply need to decide if the life I have is worth living. Is it worth the pain? The hurt I have been through and keep on feeling? Is it worth new struggles that will just complicate old struggles?
Do I really make a difference in any one's life that is that significant to stay?
So many questions...so much to think about...

Um...yes to all of the above.

Time lines are meant to be broken...

Primary doctors can prescribe cymbalta...

You matter. Even to little flowers.

Petunia

you matter to me.

as pet said, your primary physician can prescribe for you.

i'm really, really happy that you're feeling better.

love, pat

Thank you.
Still feeling better ...guess some meds can help out.
However, with clarity comes confidence.
And, I am still trying to get some last minute things done and taken care of should my decision be that my destiny has arrived.
And, I have given my T a break. Not even calling her when I feel like she could help sort some things out.
I will just quietly start withdrawling...
Anyway...that is what is on my mind at this time.