If your not dead YET then there is still time for you to do something. You hold all the power here. I don't feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you can't see beyond what you are wanting to and see that there is so much life than this vicious circle you have put yourself in.

You have many reasons to live and you have the ability to try and succeed. You have to look past yourself sometimes to see what else is out there. Who else is out there.

I am not going to try to talk you out of killing yourself. You don't want to die and I know it. You have to find a reason to live and a reason to live your life differently. You are the one who needs to reach out for help. No one can reach out to help you because you won't let them.

I have tried talking to you a number of times in chat. I tried to give you encouragment and hope. I tried to offer advice. You have always just walked away from the conversation. No one can help you if you don't want to listen and you don't want to try.

I hope the best for you and I hope you can see the potential you have if you only look up and accept some help.
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell