I'm feeling a little sad just now. Maybe it's because after two weeks of exam stress, my body has finally given out and I'm sick as a dog. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well because of exams/being sick. Maybe I'm just drained. All I know is that the past few days I've been tired, but fine, until this afternoon I just started to feel sad.

I think part of it has to do with a letter I got today. One of my friends sent me a bunch of CDs for Christmas/my birthday and they just came in the mail today. For the most part, the letter was a lot of ramblings about life, nothing particularly serious, but towards the end she wrote that she was worried about me. She said that she thinks I'm building up the future too much in my head and she's worried it won't be as great in grad school as I think it will. I complain to her a lot about how much I hate the degree I'm doing right now, and the only reason I don't drop out is that I need it to get the degree I actually DO want. She said that we get as much out of something as what we put into it, and maybe I should try getting as much out of my last year and a half here as I can. Because the future is uncertain and all we really have is the present.

She's right. It bothers me that she's right. I don't try very hard. I don't push myself to get involved or engaged. When I do, the things I attempt seem to fall flat, to feel flat. I can't make myself be serious about what I'm doing. The thing is, I don't know HOW to care. I go to class, I do the work, I come home. I'm really just not into school this year. I'm lost to other things, things I actually LIKE but that aren't really what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I don't direct my energies particularly well; I never have. I could make things better for myself, but for whatever reason, I don't. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I just don't know where to start. Mostly, I'm content, which isn't the same as being happy or even satisfied, but I'm the most comfortable I've been in my own skin in a very, very long time. Then again, maybe this whole "contentedness" thing is just me making excuses not to really live my life. I have no idea. I can't really wrap my head around any of this right now.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just needed to get some of that out. My head is kind of spinning right now.