a little sad

I'm feeling a little sad just now. Maybe it's because after two weeks of exam stress, my body has finally given out and I'm sick as a dog. Maybe it's because I haven't been sleeping well because of exams/being sick. Maybe I'm just drained. All I know is that the past few days I've been tired, but fine, until this afternoon I just started to feel sad.

I think part of it has to do with a letter I got today. One of my friends sent me a bunch of CDs for Christmas/my birthday and they just came in the mail today. For the most part, the letter was a lot of ramblings about life, nothing particularly serious, but towards the end she wrote that she was worried about me. She said that she thinks I'm building up the future too much in my head and she's worried it won't be as great in grad school as I think it will. I complain to her a lot about how much I hate the degree I'm doing right now, and the only reason I don't drop out is that I need it to get the degree I actually DO want. She said that we get as much out of something as what we put into it, and maybe I should try getting as much out of my last year and a half here as I can. Because the future is uncertain and all we really have is the present.

She's right. It bothers me that she's right. I don't try very hard. I don't push myself to get involved or engaged. When I do, the things I attempt seem to fall flat, to feel flat. I can't make myself be serious about what I'm doing. The thing is, I don't know HOW to care. I go to class, I do the work, I come home. I'm really just not into school this year. I'm lost to other things, things I actually LIKE but that aren't really what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I don't direct my energies particularly well; I never have. I could make things better for myself, but for whatever reason, I don't. Maybe I'm scared, maybe I just don't know where to start. Mostly, I'm content, which isn't the same as being happy or even satisfied, but I'm the most comfortable I've been in my own skin in a very, very long time. Then again, maybe this whole "contentedness" thing is just me making excuses not to really live my life. I have no idea. I can't really wrap my head around any of this right now.

I'm not really looking for advice or anything, I just needed to get some of that out. My head is kind of spinning right now.

((Rebecca))

When I was in college, I got very sick at the end of every semester. After several years, I just recognized that's how my body works. It isn't fun (at all!), but that's just the way that things worked for me.

My point is: You may be that same type of person. Rather than assuming that you simply have no interest in school at this point of your life. Something to think about. Don't kick yourself for not being more "into" school. It sounds as though you're wondering why things don't feel awesome. School isn't always awesome. Some pre-requisites suck and are BORING! A lot of times, we have lots of stuff happening in our lives (all at once) and it becomes overwhelming.

I didn't mean to go off on a tangent there, just don't want you to kick yourself any more. You deserve a break ! Best wishes to you ~ take care!

(((((((justfloating)))))))

Rebecca,

I'm sorry the letter hit you hard, it doesn't help that you are sick too. I think you should try to put the letter and contents out of your mind for now, concentrate on feeling better physically before you try to tackle the mental working it out side of things. Do you have a counsellor at school you can confide in? It may help you work out some of the confusing things about your degree etc.. I wish you well. feel better soon and most importantly take care of yourself.

All I can Is follow your heart and do what make you happy huggs

Hi, Justfloating!

Once upon a time...

A sage is asked to settle a dispute. He listens to the first claimant and says "you're right". Then, after hearing the second, he says "you're right". Witnessing this, the sage's disciple cannot restrain himself - "But master, how can they both be right?". "You're right too!" is the sage's response.

-----

Justfloating: "...I hate the degree I'm doing right now, and the only reason I don't drop out is that I need it to get the degree I actually DO want." [I.e. Justfloating has a distinct goal in mind; present activities are a means to that greater end.]

Wisdom: "You're right."

Friend: "...we get as much out of something as what we put into it, and maybe [you] should try getting as much out of my last year and a half here as [you] can. Because the future is uncertain and all we really have is the present."

Wisdom: "You're right."

Imaginary Third Party: "How can they both be right?"

Wisdom: "And you're right too!"

-----

Be well, Rebecca. Rest and look after yourself as present circumstances permit.

((((((((((((((( justfloating ))))))))))))))))

(((((justfloating)))))
I am confident you will pull this off the best way possible for you. Rebecca, as I have written to you before, you are such a serious, responsible young woman who worries way too much, enjoy your life everyday, worry about the future tomorrow, it might never come!
You are doing things right, do what feels good to You...
Take good care of yourself

(((((((justfloating))))))))

yes she's right in some ways. Yes the present IS. Yes we need to try to enjoy it as best we can.

but there's nothing wrong with looking forward to what's to come. We're building lives. We don't know how long life is or where it will lead us, but we can try to build good foundations for the rest of it. You can work to make your future present even better, and while you're at it you can try to enjoy your actual present.

Dunno if that made sense, but hugs o.o

(((((Just floating)))) Welcome back to the other side of the pond. Hang in there.

(((((justfloating)))))
I have the same experience of getting really sick at the end of the semester. It is like my body keeps itself going while i need to take exams/ write papers etc, but then as soon as that is done it knows and says "that's it, I'm taking a break and there is nothing you can do about it". Every semester when I was in undergrad this happened. I hope you feel better soon.

Just Floating..hang in there. Don't let people tell you how you feel. Ya you probably do complain about your degree but your just venting and she might be reading more into it than you have said. She is looking out for you and thats GREAT.

I am 40 and will be starting my junior year the first of March. College is the ONLY thing that I do have ambition and motivation right now. I think the good thing for me is that I started while my depression was under control. I have made the Dean's list every quarter since I have started and that is the only reason I have such ambition. I don't want to lose that.

Do what you feel is right for you and your life. Your heart will let you know what to do