I think I'm going to ask my pdoc for more meds. I hate taking meds. I hate paying for the meds. I wish that I didn't have to take any meds ever. But I think I need to face the reality that this is getting worse and not getting better. That I can't just ignore it and pretend it isn't happening. Maybe I can stop it before it gets any worse. I usually end up waiting until I'm at the point that I can't get any worse before even thinking about the possibility of taking more meds. The only time I've done it before is when I didn't think I could keep myself safe. Maybe I wont have to get to that point this time. Maybe I can head it off. I feel weak for thinking that I need more meds to feel happy. But at the same time I think that maybe it is a good sign I'm thinking about this now. Usually it only comes up after many months of arguing (well not really arguing, but intense debate) with a pdoc. I hope that he is willing to help me. Hopefully a brief stint of some stuff I've taken for short periods of time before will help me out enough to pull out of this head first dive into the pit of despair. But at the same time, I'm sad that I feel it might be necessary.