In such a bad place

I'm in such a bad place. I called my T on Sat and she finally got back to me today to schedule a time to talk tomorrow. She had forgotten to check her phone messages this weekend. Ugh. I'm fighting this. I hate it. I haven't felt this bad in a long time. And it doesn't seem to be stopping getting worse. I'm having trouble getting homework done. I hate this. I feel so awful. I feel so alone. I know I should schedule an appointment with my pdoc, but it just seems to take so much energy. I much rather just stay in bed and sleep.

wow this seems like a pretty intense depression googley. im sure you have, but did you tell your T just how serious you are feeling? sometimes they get jaded by all the patients they see and they really need to be TOLD how UPSET you are.

have you thought about going inpatient for a little while? that might help. it helped me, a lot. and now im going back to a different place for a couple of months.

is anything helping?

Be sure to open up to your T and let her know all that you are feeling - I jot everything down that I want to discuss with my pdoc - otherwise I forget...

Please let us know how things go - keep posting. {{{googley}}} HUGS

((((((((((googley)))))))))))


I'm sorry you're not doing too well right now. I hope that talking things out with your T gives you some relief, and that you manage to call your pdoc. Maybe mention to her that you haven't gotten around to doing it, and call for an appointment from her office? That way it's fresh in your mind that you need to do so, and you have the gentle nudge we sometimes need to get the ball rolling. My counsellor has had me make the call from her office a couple of times, so she'd know that it had been done and I wouldn't have to fight myself to do it later.

Please take care. Sending lots of hugs.

((((googley))))

Sorry you are feeling so bad. We are here if you want to talk. Please try to really talk to your t. They can help you sort out those feelings we are sometimes not sure of. And what may seem that we do not understand, we may really understand with some help.

You deserve to be heard and to have help. I know how hard it is to study when things are so out of place. It is hard to concentrate when your mind is anywhere but on your work. But googley, you are fighting it and that is a step forward.

I know it takes all the energy you have but you are doing it. One step, one day, one minute, one second at a time is all you have to do. Keep reaching here for we care so much and are here to walk this with you. You are not alone although it feels that way. Been there and it is a terrible feeling.

Depression lies to us and it paralizes our ability to see and to do anything. It wants us to feel this way so we cannot seem to do anything. But you took a step forward and you posted here. You are trying and you are doing a great job even in the midst of it all.

I know it is not easy. I know it takes all you have to sometimes even take a small step. But we are reaching out to you and listening. We care googley. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts.

dps

So I called my pdoc's office and have an appointment scheduled for next week. I'm hoping that it doesn't go badly (though I'm not quite sure what badly means). I've only seen him a couple of times over the last six months or so. I haven't gone through a period feeling this bad while working with him yet. I guess I should have expected it since I know that this time of year is always a bad time for me. I hate the extra stress this adds to everything else.

I'm scheduled to talk to my T on the phone tonight. Then I have my usual appointment on Thursday. Things have been getting worse over the last couple of weeks, so at this point, no, I don't think she knows how bad it is. But I am NOT going inpatient. I am not suicidal! Just because I am in a really bad place does not mean I'm in the worst place I've ever been. To receive inpatient treatment right now would most likely end my career (at least that is how I see it).

Thanks. Right now things are really tense between my T and I as we were just processing a rupture last session. And then she didn't call back. It just leaves me feeling like even more of a mess. That somehow I'm being over sensitive. It doesn't help that I am going back and forth between feeling numb and really depressed. It makes me feel like I'm lying if I'm in that numb stage and tell her I've been feeling depressed, because maybe it wont come back (fat chance, but I think I have to tell myself this to keep going).

This would help and thanks for the suggestion, except that my pdoc's office is closed when I see my T. And I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving a message (assuming they take messages). But sometimes if I need to do something important (or lately just go to the gym) I will schedule to leave my T a message to let her know I've done it by a certain point. Then I feel responsible about having to get it done. I did call pdoc's office for this time, but your suggestion with my thing about leaving messages mixed in might be a good solution for the future. Thanks for the idea.

Thank you. It helps to know that you are all here. I think it is hardest when it doesn't even seem so much as a thought as a feeling. It is harder to fight the feelings. They are more ambiguous. The thoughts are easier because I feel like I can confront them with other thoughts. The feelings just take over and blanket everything. Making everything look dark.

I think I'm going to ask my pdoc for more meds. I hate taking meds. I hate paying for the meds. I wish that I didn't have to take any meds ever. But I think I need to face the reality that this is getting worse and not getting better. That I can't just ignore it and pretend it isn't happening. Maybe I can stop it before it gets any worse. I usually end up waiting until I'm at the point that I can't get any worse before even thinking about the possibility of taking more meds. The only time I've done it before is when I didn't think I could keep myself safe. Maybe I wont have to get to that point this time. Maybe I can head it off. I feel weak for thinking that I need more meds to feel happy. But at the same time I think that maybe it is a good sign I'm thinking about this now. Usually it only comes up after many months of arguing (well not really arguing, but intense debate) with a pdoc. I hope that he is willing to help me. Hopefully a brief stint of some stuff I've taken for short periods of time before will help me out enough to pull out of this head first dive into the pit of despair. But at the same time, I'm sad that I feel it might be necessary.

Worth highlighting. "Fighting" feelings is like eating broth with a fork. One can challenge thoughts; feelings resist rationality. Well, that's my experience.

Perhaps the non-rational responds best to the non-rational or to indirection... *goes off to try to figure out what that might mean...*

(((((Googley))))))
I am sorry you are feeling so low. You are not alone, we are here for you!
Take good care of yourself!