I am sad to hear a good person who has so much good in her heart is feeling such dark and scary thoughts. You have been a back bone to PC for as long as I can remember joining about a year ago. It shows how strong you really are to be going through so much and still be one of the more supportive members on the forums here. I too can relate to those intense and surreal thoughts you describe. I have my own rituals and fantasies so I can understand the urges. I really hope you can talk through this and use all your resources and be safe. Please keep us posted.