Confusion, I need help. Triggering

I have bipolar disorder and over the years I have had thoughts of hurting myself. This goes way back to when I was a kid and I wanted to fall down and break my leg. When I was working I would have thoughts of throwing myself down the stairs and sometimes I would run my fingernails across my wrists to see what the movement toward cutting them would feel like.

Lately, I have been having strong impulses of cutting myself with a knife. I have been afraid to do it. A week ago I laid the knife on my wrist to see if I had to go deep to cut. I didn't press because I was afraid.

I am having a really hard time right now trying to deal with my relationship which is badly wounded and there are just so many things going on. I don't want to hurt myself and I am afraid of the pain, but last night I took a knife and scraped it across my upper arm. It began to break skin and although I didn't bleed, I have a puffy red scratch that is about a half inch long.

Sometimes I think I want to stab the knife point deep into my arm. I used to think that I would never make the move to cut, but last night I did. What if I stab myself in the arm?

I feel such shame and confusion.

I went to inpatient this summer because of these thoughts and suicidal ideation. I wonder if I need to go again. I don't want to because we have a family vacation in a week and a half that I don't want to ruin for the kids.

Help.

I am sad to hear a good person who has so much good in her heart is feeling such dark and scary thoughts. You have been a back bone to PC for as long as I can remember joining about a year ago. It shows how strong you really are to be going through so much and still be one of the more supportive members on the forums here. I too can relate to those intense and surreal thoughts you describe. I have my own rituals and fantasies so I can understand the urges. I really hope you can talk through this and use all your resources and be safe. Please keep us posted.

Is this your first time cutting yourself? i don't mean to lecture but that's what my first cut looked like. not anymore though.

Please get professional help.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/sel...5/METHOD=print

http://www.wellcome.ac.uk/en/pain/mi.../culture4.html

Hi Mom, are you in therapy? I have heard many people here say "don't start cutting".............

Thank you for the articles. I am still confused as to why at age 35 I would begin doing this, even after many years of thoughts.

I don't really identify with any of the reasons listed in the articles, but I am willing to dig deeper with my T.

It is the first time other than scrfatching with a fingernail in one spot until I got a blister. I've done that twice before.

Why is this coming out now? I have been in therapy twice a week for a year, have been on meds since June...

I am so confused.

Therapy can jossle things about and make things a little harder at first. It is worth it in order to move forward and heal, though. But when things get a little harder a person can reach for coping mechanisms and SI fall under this.

I am glad you are willing to talk to you therapist about the cutting, BNLsMOM. Something is going on and needs to be identified in order for you to heal.

Good luck.

(((BNLsMOM))

Can you think back to when you were a kid and ask yourself why you wanted to break your leg? What, in an ideal world, would the broken leg have gotten you? Would it have meant someone was there to take care of you? Would it have meant extra attention? Would it have meant not having to go someplace scary? Would it have been an expression of your emotional pain?

If you can look back to past events when you had these thoughts, it might give you some clue to what you are trying to find now.

Be safe, BNLsMOM. You know you can be hurt - the scrape on your arm is a reminder of how fragile we all are. But at the same time we are beautifully strong and that scrape will heal if you give it the care that it needs.

Many warm and loving thoughts for you.

I remember I wanted people to love me. I wanted to be accepted by my peers. I wanted to get signatures on my cast and have people carry my books.

Kids made fun of me and I thought that if I were hurt, they would feel bad about being mean to me. I wanted to make them feel guilty.

When I really did break my shoulder (unintentionally) kids made fun of me anyway. Nothing changed.

It seems silly now.

If those are the feelings I have now, (I truly don't know) it seems so immature and childish. I am a grown up with kids of my own for goodness sake.

But Mom, all of us who have had issues came into adulthood emotionally just a child. If you don't have the proper, nurturing upbringing there is no way that you can mature emotionally until you realize this as an adult and then work on it. This is what happened to me. When I realized it I was probably about 5 emotionally. I have been working on it and I think now I am almost all matured in this area.

Those wishes make sense to me.

I guess the problem I am having is that I feel like I had a good upbringing. I had two parents who loved me and were there for me. All the reasons I have read for SI don't make sense to me because I had for the most part a good childhood.

I wonder if I need to do repressed memory work with my T. I have a feeling there is something there that must have shaped me. I don't think this could be all random.

I sound like I am in denial, but I feel like I am just in the dark. I am willing to find out what is goin on with me before I do this again.

My parents loved me too. But they were dysfunctional, so I got messed up anyway. I love my children like crazy but if I wanted to teach them calculus I would fail miserbly and they wouldn't learn it. My parents didn't have social skills, self esteem, problem solving skills, emotional skills, healthy boundaries, and they were not able to meet their needs. Therefore, I didn't learn any of these things either and this made me quite a mess. They did have things to teach me, though. They taught me good values like working hard, being honest, caring about others, saving money, etc. Things are what they are..............

Juxtaposed, these two quotes have me wondering? Then back to this one:

Yes, that is contradictory...

I meant that I wanted my peers to love me. I wanted other kids to accept me. I was the "weird" kid down the street that kids could really tease and have "fun" with.

On the other quote about my parents, what I meant by problem is my problem in figuring this out, not my underlying issue causing me to want to SI.

When we work in therapy there are ups and downs and its not a linear process. You should talk to you r T about all this and explore together the 'why now' and why you urge to hurt yourself so badly.

Stay safe and I bet being there for your children is important to you - so make sure you are xxx

I scratched myself tonight repeatedly in one spot with my fingernail and it didn't bleed, but watery stuff is coming out and it stings.

I have to solve this issue before I do something dangerous. I feel so weird. I was a little bit angry with my husband over an ongoing issue in our relationship and when he went to bed I did that.

So you hurt yourself because you were angry at your husband?

Or maybe angry at myself? I don't know... Usually I am good at figuring my feeling out, but I just feel so confused.

I am really ashamed and anxious right now because it turned into a browish scab and it is all red. I don't want anyone to see it because I have no explanation. I will have to make something up if anyone asks me how I got the scratch.

I feel so stupid for doing it.

Sannah, I may be misinterpreting your tone because through message boards we can't get the tone that you are trying to convey. Forgive me if I am wrong, but you sound like you are writing in a challenging way. Like you are judging me. I am sorry if I misinterpreted that... I do appreciate the responses. I am confused at what you are trying to say.

Hi, I think you are making healthy steps. You examine your behaviour and make connections. Its very good!

The next step is maybe to talk to a professional T about that so he/she can help you understand what your thought process and change that hurtful behaviour.

I wonder why you are punishing yourself.

You say that you had an argument with your husband which left you angry. It seems to me that at that moment your needs were not met and you resorted to unhealthy coping skills. You can change these skills into healthy ones with a help of a good T.

And by the way - no need to feel stupid - you are human and we do what we learnt. This behaviour comes from somewhere. You are a smart woman and honest to identify this as unhealthy. I wish you positive and lasting healing!

I am so glad that you are telling me honestly how you are perceiving me. I like that! I love it when people put stuff out in the open. It is so healthy.

I guess I very well might come across as challenging. But my challenging is only to help you get up. I strongly believe that a person will live up to or down to your standards. I believe that everyone can do good work. So I guess my challenges are for a person to do live up to their potential. I promise I will never be mean. I know for sure that I am not judging you!

I am sorry that you feel ashamed and anxious. I am sure that you are doing your very best, we all do.

Do you think that you start out angry at someone else and then you turn it towards yourself?

Thank you, Sannah. I am just so oversensitive lately.

So I was talking to my T today and I am aven more confused. It seems I am zoning out while I injure. In other words, I have the urge, I start to do it, and then I am unaware, but at the same time aware that I am doing it until I come to my senses and realize that I shouldn't be doing it.

Of course, I have only done it the two times, but this is how it was both times.

So confusing.

I have heard of others doing this too. Do you think that you are dissociating?

Possibly... I know I have before. I sometimes feel as if I am someone other than myself and seeing the world with their eyes and perceptions. It has only happened a few times as an adult but I remember it used to happen more as a child and teen. I never hurt myself when it happened, though.

So confusing. I keep saying that...