I will stay safe. Or safe enough anyhow.

I honestly feel kind of abandoned by T. I *know* that those are childish feelings. He left me two LONG messages for the weekend - I have like 10 minutes of T messages on my voice mail I can listen to. I am NOT abandoned. I *know* I'm not. I even listened to the messages earlier...the first one is a post-therapy message about how proud he is of me, how brave I am to tell, etc. and the second is a message all about how to cope when things come up. They do help. What more do I want? It's all right there: you're doing a good job, and here's what to do when it feels like too much.

I can't wait for this part to be over. THIS is the October stuff, the stuff that always leads to near-hospitalization, etc. I'm dealing with it now, I think, because I made a decision to do this Oct differently - I am training for a half marathon that I will run this October (as long as I don't get injured) and I am planning to get a very symbolic tattoo that I have wanted for a long time. I kind of want to reclaim October as my own.

I guess this is the price I have to pay. It's SO HARD. i can't put it into words. I just want it to stop. Just. Stop.