REALLY REALLY struggling

omg, I think I have made a big big big big big mistake letting myself go to the place we've gone in therapy. BIG.

I've already called T and left two SOBBING messages on his voice mail today. i don't even know what I need from him. I need him to drop everything in his life, drive to his office, and sit there with me for an hour, but obviously, that's not going to happen. I just have to get through this.

It's SO painful. I think the only reason I allowed myself to delve into this stuff is because after 2 1/2 years of therapy, I finally felt safe enough and secure enough and attached enough and loved enough to open the door and look at the stuff. I must have known on some level it was going to be really hard and feel really bad, or I would have done it before now...but I didn't know HOW hard or HOW bad it was going to be. I think it might be more than I can bear.

I am just trying to get through a minute at a time. Every minute feels like an ETERNITY. And the worst part is....here I am, BY MYSELF, going through this. ALONE. T is not here to help. I am alone.

ALL of my bad coping skills are calling to me loudly. But I know that that would just be a temporary relief.

I just don't think I can do this. I mean, I REALLY DON'T think I can.

ETA: And my H is going out of town in 20 minutes and won't be back until late Friday night or some time on Saturday. I really will be SO alone. I am so scared.

Tree, you are not alone! Remember your T is there for you even when he is not physically there. He is with you inside, so try to connect with that and carry him with you...he is there. Plus, we are all here for you too, remember that!

This is a good time to use good coping skills, because bad coping skills only make things worse in the long run. They may help in the short term, but you end up having to deal with more problems when using bad coping skills. When do you see T again? If you have to get through a few days, why not try to distract from the intense pain right now by doing something with your kids, something that will take your mind off the big stuff going on internally. I know it is important to feel your feelings but try not to let them overwhelm you. Take a break from them when you need to. Experience them as a wave that comes in and goes back out. Allow them to go back out like the tide. you are in the process of healing, but you don't have to deal with it all at once. Call your t if you need to.

(((((tree)))))

I'm so sorry that you are struggling Tree. Can you call a friend or arrange to see a friend?

Hi Tree,

We don't know each other, but from what I've read, you've survived a lot in your lifetime. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you will survive this too.

I know that feeling, that I've opened a huge can of worms in therapy and I just want to shut it again because it's left me in so much pain and feeling so lonely.

You will move through this. You will. You are not alone. Can you wrap yourself in a blanket and have some tea and imagine you're being held...by your t or another loving, safe person? Can you go for a short walk and just breathe some fresh air and listen to the sounds around you?

Tree, can you call a friend? A crisis line? Crisis lines are there for when you need them. I worried when you wrote "I think this might be more than I can bear." That sounds desperate. Does your H know how you are feeling? Can he come back earlier from his trip?

What coping skills usually work for you? One of my best coping skills is compartmentalization. I shove the intolerable stuff into a different part of my brain and don't think about it until I am in a place where it is safer to deal with it (T's office?). Do you have that skill? If my brain keeps wanting to to there, I give it other stuff to occupy it and keep it away from the stuff I shoved away. Like I work a lot of math problems or do puzzles in my head that require a lot of thought and focus. Or going outside helps me too. Walking around, looking at the trees and flowers, feeling cold or the wind. What works for you? Can you do it now?

(((((treehouse)))))

I will stay safe. Or safe enough anyhow.

I honestly feel kind of abandoned by T. I *know* that those are childish feelings. He left me two LONG messages for the weekend - I have like 10 minutes of T messages on my voice mail I can listen to. I am NOT abandoned. I *know* I'm not. I even listened to the messages earlier...the first one is a post-therapy message about how proud he is of me, how brave I am to tell, etc. and the second is a message all about how to cope when things come up. They do help. What more do I want? It's all right there: you're doing a good job, and here's what to do when it feels like too much.

I can't wait for this part to be over. THIS is the October stuff, the stuff that always leads to near-hospitalization, etc. I'm dealing with it now, I think, because I made a decision to do this Oct differently - I am training for a half marathon that I will run this October (as long as I don't get injured) and I am planning to get a very symbolic tattoo that I have wanted for a long time. I kind of want to reclaim October as my own.

I guess this is the price I have to pay. It's SO HARD. i can't put it into words. I just want it to stop. Just. Stop.

Oh, Tree! I'm sorry you feel so alone right now. I know you can realize with one part of your head that you aren't alone, and that your T hasn't abandoned you, but to feel it in your heart is a different matter.

I hope you can find the strength to face the rest of today. Bringing up the October stuff is GOOD, even if it feels awful. You're preparing your soil so that good stuff can grow. Even though it feels like *****, and hurts like heck, it is good that you're doing it. And you're strong. You don't have to feel strong to be strong, T. Trees are strong. Even when they look like they're going to break, they bend.

Tree, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. I also want to suggest doing something VERY distracting, but safe, for the rest of today. Movies, books, anything to distract yourself until tomorrow. You see T tomorrow, right? Wish I could help you more....I KNOW you'll get through this, though.

Tree - you can't see it through the computer, but I am crying for you right now - with you. We get it. ((((( tree )))))

You CAN do this. You do have your T and you know you are not alone - even though I know for a fact that the feeling is the worst of all. Please just allow yourself to experience this pain fully. My T told me that we have to pass through the pain in order to really put it behind us once and for all. The years of October stuff have to be seen by the adult you. And you have to mourn in your own way. Allow it to pour out of your soul. With you being alone, this is the tme for you to find your freedom and let it out. You can cry and shout and rage and do what you need to do to express the disaster that your soul has seen. And it is a disaster as certainly as any flood or earthquake. And that is why I shed tears with you now. Dear dear tree.

Keep posting if you can and take breaks to drink water. You are very strong now and that is why your soul is trusting YOU in this time.

((((((((((Tree))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. Please continue to take care of yourself. You are so strong.

((tree) I'm sorry you are feeling uncomfortable.

The emotions that come follow along, outside of session, never cease to amaze me.

Take good care of you

tree, you know that nice feeling of peace and calm that comes after the most horrible of storms? that's what you have to look forward to. i wonder if you can keep your eye on the long term outcome and not let yourself fall so much into this (temporary) feeling. you made no mistake in opening up to T, you did something very positive. you're going to have a new October. but first the storm has to pass.

i usually drink hot chocolate and marshmallows when it gets to be terrible weather here. sometimes i have a bath, or i curl up with a book. make myself pumpkin soup. make sure i have enough candles and can find the matches if the lights go out.

what are your storm stategies? how can you do something differently, rather than going to poor coping mechanisms, or just feeling impotent with this feeling?

(((((tree)))))

this is my biggest fear and the hardest part for me, too, the being alone. The minutes and hours and days of feeling and knowing everything all alone. It is scary and painful beyond description.

But you know what? You ARE doing it. I know the "I don't think I can do this" feeling, I even know the "I CANNOT do this" feelings and thoughts, but the fact is you ARE doing it. This is how you do it. You are doing it, tree. And you can keep doing it. Just one moment, one breath at a time.

((treehouse))

I think Sunny's idea of compartmentalization is a really good coping mechanism. I have used it frequently. Take the parts that hurt and overwhelm and just put them away. I used to visualize putting things in a box and tying it up and putting it in the closet. Then you can take it down and bring it with you to T's. It is so hard. Take gentle care.

Very good point! I remember a few years ago, driving down the road in tears, thinking in a panic "I can't take care of myself!!"..over and over..when suddenly it occurred to me "I am taking care of myself!" It was instantly relieving

treehouse, sorry to hear you are struggling so much at the moment. You are not alone, so keep challenging that voice. Maybe just try to take it one hour at a time. Toggle from on coping strategy to the next...break out all the tools. Your kitting needles, your crayons, your box, exercise, play with your children, clean something, ANYTHING to keep your hands and mind busy.

(((treehouse)))

Tree, I can NOT imagine your pain. BUT, what I put in bold is SO AWESOME! SO SO SO awesome! You WILL reclaim October, and that sounds like a really great idea.

Ok tree - I've not read all the 2 pages of posts - but i want to say that this is the time to remember what it was like starting therapy 2.5 years ago - it was THIS sucky. You thought you couldn't bear it - thought it would kill you. and you DID get through. You were in pain, you suffered, and you DID survive it. Emotionally, that doesn't help much right now, but i KNOW you can get through this also. Your brain won't let out anything it can't handle. Did you know that?

I'm a little late to the thread, but I am right here too - and though you may be alone in your mind and in your house, you're not alone here on PC and you are in all our minds daily. We're all right here, a click of a mouse away. You've got so much support pouring into you - take it in. Let it sustain you.
(((((((Tree))))))) you can do this

(((((((((((((((tree)))))))))))))))

i know it feels so awful right now. we're all with you though. maybe call a friend and ask them to spend a night or two if they can? you will get thru this dear tree and you will have a new october. i am really excited for you that you are doing this now and will redeem that month. it's okay to just let the feelings all out when you can.

((((( tree )))))

You are working soooo hard, and you are so brave. This must be part of the healing process...I wish I could fast forward this moment for you, but I know I can't... BIG HUGS to you....

I see T at 3 (in about 3 hours). I'm tempted to cancel...I FINALLY have everything kind of 'put away' somehow, and why I am going to subject myself to opening it back up is kind of beyond me. Plus, I sent the World's Most Open And Vulnerable E-Mail Ever to T last night, and I kind of can't imagine facing him after that.

I guess I'm just going to have to suck it up and go.

((((((((((((((((((( tree )))))))))))))))))

wear some pockets, we want to be near you.

Okay, here's what I'm going to do.

I have T THREE (yes, 3) times this week. Today at 3, tomorrow at 3, and Thursday at 9. It feels scary. Scary, scary, scary. I can feel my teen pushing at me, HARD, and i'm afraid she's going to take my session today and it's going to be...blah. I have so many grown up things I want to deal with. And the 8 year old crap. And, and, and.

Anyhow, my son (7) starts ice skating lessons today at 5:30. So I decided to take ALL of my boys to the rink, and we are going to use a gift card from Christmas to go out to a restaurant afterward (H is out of town). Eating out is a VERY RARE thing for us - usually only for birthdays - so it will be a big treat for them, and I won't have to cook.

Then tomorrow, I found out it's homeschool day at the ice rink from 10 - 12, so I am going to take all 3 of them (and me) ice skating in the morning. Then we'll do some school (we're doing testing this week) and I'll have T at 3.

I haven't thought about the rest of the week, but I am hoping that somehow, having these big, fun, different things planned will somehow make it easier to transition out of the place I have to go to for therapy. Or if I can't transition as well as I want to, maybe my younger parts will be happy about the fun stuff we're doing.

I can't believe I am seeing T today. I am so embarrassed because I had such a hard weekend, left these SOBBING messages, sent a super vulnerable e-mail. It just feels...embarrassing. Ack.

Here is the part of the e-mail I'm so embarrassed about:

****************

i am scared and sad, more than i have words for. please please please don't let me push you away. please don't leave me. please stick with me during this hard part. i'm so scared it will be too much for you. please try to understand me when i'm not making sense. please know that this is the most fragile, lost place for me to be. please believe that it can get better, that *I* will get better. please hold hope for me. please help me light a candle so this stuff isn't so dark and murky. please help me look at it. let me be sad. help me be angry. please love 8, and me, and even teen because she has worked so hard for so long. my inner world is being deconstructed a bit...please help me pick up the pieces. Just....please.

****************

OMG. 90 minutes.

Are you embarrassed about the email because you are vulnerable? I don't see anything wrong with the email...........

Yes ..............