If Therapy is an option, try to find an EMDR Therapist, they can help you with the trauma in your life (it's the only word I could come up with). It has helped me, and in fact if you work hard and "Don't Quit" then it will pay off. It sounds like the first one I would work on with a Theripist would be when you were 10. It sounds traumatic and that's what EMDR is all about. But until then you can search Resource Tapping; and EMDR techniqe, that you can do on your own to provide a Safe place for you to go when ever your thoughts start to wander to hurting/punishing? yourself.

Until then, read the poem that is my signature, It does truely help. (I like the last line )