I hate my life!!!

well i didn't start thinking about suicide until i was 1o yrs old. It all started with my foster mom, her and i didn't get along at all. She would start beating me with a plastic spoon even though i didn't do anything wrong. Every time she did that I would run away. I told the cops and CAS what she was doing and they believed her over me. The one day, my foster mom, my foster dad, and my brother left me alone at home. So I went to the drawer and got out a sharp knife and went into the bathroom, where I sat on the floor with some pills and the knife in my hand. I was crying so hard, i just wanted to stab myself in the stomach until i bleed to death, but i didnt do it.

And then 6 yrs later, when I was 15, my foster mom had died from cancer. After she died, my foster dad started to sexually assualt me. He did that for me for 1 yr, and every day that he did that, i just wanted to kill myself. I told myself it wasn't my fault and i shouldn't to blame, but it still didn't help.

Then later, on my 24th birthday, I found my birth mother. I was really happy to find her. Or so I thought. I went to her place for Christmas which was ok, I got to meet my grandma and my uncle and my mom's boyfriend who I don't like period.

My mom's boyfriend is a alcoholic, which he won't go and get help for. And he treats my mom like crap. I have mentioned that to her, but she doesn't seem to care.

Later after Christmas, I went back to my mom's place to visit for the weekend. Well, that weekend went straight down the drain also. Her friends were over the saturday night playing cards, and her friend came out with something rude. I just got up and left, and I told her I can't deal with any of that. I started having panic attacks and later on that night, i thought of Suicide again.

I have been trying to tell my mom all of my problems, but doesnt seem like she cares. So now i'm back into the depression mood and thought about trying to hurt myself last night.

I need help.

Have you looked into any mental health support groups in your area?

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/Club...d=1132&pg=main

May not exaclty be what you are looking for but it is a place to start.

I think the best thing would be for you to hook up with a really good therapist to work through your childhood sexual abuse issues. How did you end up in foster care?

Hi Princess, I'm sorry that you had to go through all that .......... Your mom doesn't sound like a pillar of support or wisdom on how to run your life. Do you have anyone else for support? Is therapy an option?

If Therapy is an option, try to find an EMDR Therapist, they can help you with the trauma in your life (it's the only word I could come up with). It has helped me, and in fact if you work hard and "Don't Quit" then it will pay off. It sounds like the first one I would work on with a Theripist would be when you were 10. It sounds traumatic and that's what EMDR is all about. But until then you can search Resource Tapping; and EMDR techniqe, that you can do on your own to provide a Safe place for you to go when ever your thoughts start to wander to hurting/punishing? yourself.

Until then, read the poem that is my signature, It does truely help. (I like the last line )