I swear, I will pay everyone back with SO much support when I am feeling better...but I am SO anxious and spiraly and i wrote an e-mail to T and it really clarified everything I'm feeling so I want to share it.

Oh my GOSH T, I am so scared to take the wellbutrin that I'm not sure it's worth it. H REALLY wants me to take it (which makes total sense because he is living in the house of sadness and mess and no food). I keep thinking that maybe if I just TRY HARDER I won't need to take it. I just need to try harder. I'm not trying hard enough. You know? Maybe I'm just "letting" myself be sad. I don't know.

I read about the side effects and they scared me. And I already have all of these questions about "who am I?" for so many reasons, and it feels like taking the wellbutrin will confuse that even more.

I keep thinking, well maybe if I just TRY HARDER this weekend, I won't need to take it. you know?

But then I think about how I've been lately. I think I *have* been trying.

I'm sitting here looking at my boys and I know they need a mom who is not sad and tired. I told H that maybe I would just wait until the results of my blood tests come back and THEN decide. I don't know! And then I get confused and it makes me anxious and I want to cry.

Obviously, what I *need* is a magic pill to make spiraly thinking go away.

And what if it DOES make me feel better? What does that mean? I don't know. It confuses me. Like, if I FEEL better, then AM I better? Or not, because I'm taking a pill? But if I take OTHER (not psychiatric) pills to change my mood, is that the same thing? Or not? I guess I grew up watching addict behavior and not healthy behavior and it has me REALLY confused.

And, how stupid is this, I'm scared of how I will feel when I decide to come off of it someday. Like...what if I'm just delaying the inevitable? What if this awful underwater thing is part of the healing and I take the WB and think I'm better and then come off and I'm just like I am right now? AAAAAAAAAAAA!

I don't want to take it at all, AND I don't want to feel like this at all. I do NOT know what to do. I really really want to wait to take it, I think. But ugh, I know that will make H really mad. I probably don't have an accurate picture of what I really need because...its ME. It's hard to see how I am from the inside.

Maybe I will wait until Tuesday. Then I will probably have the blood tests back and I will have a session and can talk to you. Or maybe I will wake up and take it tomorrow and not give myself time to think about it. What if I take it and feel great? Would that be good or bad?

I'm just scared and confused.