sooooooooooooooooo miserable

" He said that maybe I did all of that work, and now here are the feelings, and after this will be the movement."

sounds like your t is very wise. i think he is onto something. often, we self medicate (w/food, alcohol, drugs, etc) to push away the feelings. now you are alone with the feelings and that is hard hard work. i don't think there is an easy answer, just time and therapy.

i'm in a similar sort of place. in between my sessions, i try to continually reframe my horrible thoughts, "this is just my negative thinking taking over, it's not who i am," or "they don't hate me, they are occupied with something else, it's not about me."

(Tree)

I have suffered from depression and it got really bad when my therapy went really deep. You are handling so much. I have found much relief with the use of anti-depressents. I know that others have not or have felt numb but I still cry in session and have not lost my ability to feel; I only felt that in the beginning. It's a tool, and it's okay if you want to explore it.

I so understand this feeling. Recently I was in T and I was so sad and weepy and I said, "No amount of Zoloft will take away this sadness." And it is true. But I am now better able to compartmentalize and put things away for bits of time so I can try and live my life. It sounds like you are beginning to internalize all of the hard work you and T are doing and it's a lot for you to carry.

Be well, and be good to you.

The exhaustion, tiredness - my T has just told me that this can signal a breakthrough. Good grief, I surely hope so!

It is good to take care of your body, get medical care beyond the mental health care; a physical to let you know how you are doing. For me, exercise helps me feel less depressed (it releases endorphins?). And it is good for my body.

Little by little, you can do it.

Wise wise words as well as the love.

I just want everyone to know how much these words mean. I keep coming back and reading over and over again but don't know how to reply.

I see my doctor today at 1:40.

This feels impossible.

dear tree,

Can you get your hands on a copy of Judith Herman's "Trauma and Healing" ? Maybe yr T has it and can loan it to you?
once the traumas have been told, and the telling is pretty much at an end, there is a phase of mourning that is gone through, that may be where you are now. She says, you have to come to the realization that you've been a victim, and that this victimization has had an impact on your life.

Once that has been processed, you can get to the next phase which is more healing than anything else. In the current phase it's so important to keep seeing T - he needs to guide you through it -

I don't know if this helps, it did help me a lot.
hugs to you dear Tree

Tree - will be sending you tons of hugs and positive thoughts today for your apt.
Keep on keeping on!

hi tree-

i hope you are ok. personally i think that dealing with hard stuff in therapy and then having to live life while doing so is really difficult and draining.
its hard not to be sad and tired when trying to get past stuff that other people caused..really hard.

be kind and gentle to yourself tree.

((((treehouse)))) Good luck with your doctor's appointment, tree. I really like how you were able to get an appointment so soon. Your doc sounds very responsive, and that is a really good sign. (That comes to my mind because recently I wanted to see my doctor and the next available apppointment was 5 weeks away.) I hope your doctor is able to help or at least get the ball rolling with the blood tests.

you can do it, you can get through this, you've got TONS of support carrying you. One step at a time. nothing is impossible when you've got people in your corner!
(((((((((((Tree)))))))))))

hugs from me, m'darling.

(((((Tree)))))

You've been working so hard in therapy lately. You've been so honest and open with your t. I know the flood of bad feelings/memories/shame/ can be overwhelming. I know your t cares about you very much, and i really believe in your ability to get through this trauma stuff together.

I went to the dr and he took about a gallon of blood. And gave me a prescription for Wellbutrin.

I talked to T on the phone for a little while, and he thinks I should try the wellbutrin. I asked him if he would take it if he were me and he hesitated before he answered and then he said "yes". So I said "NO YOU WOULDN'T" because he hesitated. But he said that he was trying to put himself in my place and think about it - that he is way more selfish than me and that he would never let himself feel the way I'm feeling, that he would already be on it.

If it wasn't for my kids, I think I would just try to muscle through. But I think I have to do this for them. I am just useless right now. I cried and cried this morning about having a load of laundry to fold. That is NOT even kind of like me.

I'm scared. I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing.

I'm scared.

((((((((Tree)))))))))))

It is scary taking meds. And it can take a while to feel the affects or to find the right one. But it takes strength to admit that you need more help than you are able to get from T. Stick with it and I hope you start to feel better soon. If after 4-6 weeks (yes, weeks) you aren't starting to feel better you may want to switch to another AD. It can take time to find the right one. I know I went through multiple ones before I found something that worked. And every time I needed an adjustment it took time for that too. Continue to take care of yourself, because that is the best way for you to take care of your kids.

((((((tree))))))

You are scared of taking the wellbutrin or of how you feel, or both? It doesn't have to be a "forever" thing--taking antidepressants. It's for now, to see if it helps. You have such a wise T. He wouldn't let you do anything he didn't think was good for you. The wellubtrin just might make it easier to get through the hard time you're in now. That's not something bad. You deserve it! You're working SO hard!!

There really is no reason to be scared about taking an AD. You are depressed and having a hard time functioning. That's what they are for. Wellbutrin is a good med. I have heard very little negative about it. I am on it and so is my husband (both at 300mg). It can be an activating med which means it might keep you up at night if you take it in the evening, so take it in the morning. It will take a few weeks to kick in, just like all the AD's. Like your t said, you probably should have already been on this med considering how you've been doing. You are doing the right thing for yourself.

Treehouse, wellbutrin acts more quickly than many ADs (at least the SSRIs, which can take weeks). You will probably feel its effects within days (depending on the dose). I'm not saying you will feel better within days (although maybe you will!), but you will probably feel effects that soon, which may be uncomfortable. Some people have a hard time "coming on" to Wellbutrin because it can be anxiety-provoking. The first few days may be hard, but this doesn't mean that the next few days will be equally hard. So if you want to give it a fair trial, power on through any initial discomfort. If you just can't handle it, or your anxiety goes sky high and is unmanageable, report in to your doc. Because wellbutrin can be hard to come on to, many docs do not give a therapeutic dose to start. Although I agree very much with farmergirl, that "wellbutrin is a good med," I have known several people who could not get through the first few days and so they never had a chance to reach the sweet spot.

Good luck with this! There is no harm trying a new approach.

((((((((tree!)))))))) AD isn't forever. it is a tool - it helps you stablize so you can do the work. I think it is of good orderly direction.

I swear, I will pay everyone back with SO much support when I am feeling better...but I am SO anxious and spiraly and i wrote an e-mail to T and it really clarified everything I'm feeling so I want to share it.

Oh my GOSH T, I am so scared to take the wellbutrin that I'm not sure it's worth it. H REALLY wants me to take it (which makes total sense because he is living in the house of sadness and mess and no food). I keep thinking that maybe if I just TRY HARDER I won't need to take it. I just need to try harder. I'm not trying hard enough. You know? Maybe I'm just "letting" myself be sad. I don't know.

I read about the side effects and they scared me. And I already have all of these questions about "who am I?" for so many reasons, and it feels like taking the wellbutrin will confuse that even more.

I keep thinking, well maybe if I just TRY HARDER this weekend, I won't need to take it. you know?

But then I think about how I've been lately. I think I *have* been trying.

I'm sitting here looking at my boys and I know they need a mom who is not sad and tired. I told H that maybe I would just wait until the results of my blood tests come back and THEN decide. I don't know! And then I get confused and it makes me anxious and I want to cry.

Obviously, what I *need* is a magic pill to make spiraly thinking go away.

And what if it DOES make me feel better? What does that mean? I don't know. It confuses me. Like, if I FEEL better, then AM I better? Or not, because I'm taking a pill? But if I take OTHER (not psychiatric) pills to change my mood, is that the same thing? Or not? I guess I grew up watching addict behavior and not healthy behavior and it has me REALLY confused.

And, how stupid is this, I'm scared of how I will feel when I decide to come off of it someday. Like...what if I'm just delaying the inevitable? What if this awful underwater thing is part of the healing and I take the WB and think I'm better and then come off and I'm just like I am right now? AAAAAAAAAAAA!

I don't want to take it at all, AND I don't want to feel like this at all. I do NOT know what to do. I really really want to wait to take it, I think. But ugh, I know that will make H really mad. I probably don't have an accurate picture of what I really need because...its ME. It's hard to see how I am from the inside.

Maybe I will wait until Tuesday. Then I will probably have the blood tests back and I will have a session and can talk to you. Or maybe I will wake up and take it tomorrow and not give myself time to think about it. What if I take it and feel great? Would that be good or bad?

I'm just scared and confused.

(((((((tree)))))))
I understand how you're feeling, I really do. It's like, if I feel better from taking a pill, am I really better or is it fake? I think the point isn't how you got to feeling better, it's that you got there. That's what matters.
And no matter how much you spiral out about this med, or any other, you won't know what the side effects will be until you try it. Contrary to what some other posters said, I took wellbutrin with little to no side effects, and I have a pre-existing anxiety disorder that could well have been triggered by it, but was not.
I'm not trying to convince you one way or the other as far as taking this medication, but I wish I could help you find some peace....

Just to further explain my spiraly-ness....

I'm actually really scared of the wellbutrin triggering some kind of manic thing. I tried sam-e a few months ago, which is an OTC supplement that apparently works on the same pathways as wellbutrin. I felt SO GREAT. Like, better than I ever have. But then things got REALLY crazy....racing racing racing thoughts, total rage out of nowhere, no patience, total insomnia...honestly, I think it was some kind of manic episode (which sam-e can trigger). I am really scared of that happening again.

You'll all be happy to know I took a klonopin a few minutes ago (the one psych med I have ever taken) so maybe I will settle down about this in a few minutes.

You can't "try harder" your way out of depression. You aren't doing anything wrong that is making this depression a problem for you. It just is what it is. I too had no problems at all taking wellbutrin. I went onto it and felt absolutely no side effects (I think as AD's go it's a pretty friendly one as far as side effects go). The longer you put off taking it, the longer it will be before you get some relief.

AD's will help lift the muck and the mire of depression so that your mind will work better. I think of depression as wading through quicksand. AD's help dilute that muck so that I can function more like the regular me. It won't solve your problems. You will still need to keep working on your issues in therapy. But it will make you more able to work on those issues because your brain will just be functioning better without so much depression weighing you down.

As far as eventually coming off the AD goes down the line, first, your doctor will take you off the meds when you are no longer depressed (for usually at least 6 months-ish). Which means, you won't feel like you do right now because you will not be this depressed. In the future, should the depression return, you will know that an AD can be helpful for you to keep you from suffering with this depression.

There is no magic pill. Even AD's are there just to help us. They won't cure anything. However, they can make our path to healing a whole lot easier and more productive.

Treehouse, I'm another one who has few if any side effects from Wellbutrin. It does not keep me up at night, does not make me gain weight, does not give me dry mouth, does not make me feel "not myself" or numb. My only side effect (after the first few days of strong activation) is that when I was on the 300 mg dose, my hands had tremors. It was scarely noticeable unless I tried to do certain things, like turn the pages of a book (hard!). Since I wasn't a brain surgeon or anything that really needly absolutely still hands, this was not a problem for me. Quite sometime later when I went back down to 150, this effect went away. I really think Wellbutrin has fewer side effects than many psych drugs. It is also easier to come off of than many ADs. If Wellbutrin does trigger a sort of manic reaction in you, remember, you can always stop taking it, or you can push on through for a few days of discomfort and maybe come out the other side feeling much better. You are in total control of this, treehouse. I think having your H pressuring you may not be helpful. Because of your worries, it might be good to start the med on a weekday, several days in advance of the weekend, when you will have better access to your doc in case you need advice about any reaction you may be having.

tree, i took sam-e awhile back and got a bit hyped up and couldn't sleep. when i did some research on it online i found one pdoc said most people take waaaay too much of sam-e. he recommended taking 100 to 200 mg whereas i started out on 400 mg which he said was way too much for most people. maybe it was the same for you. all that to say, chances are, since you are under your doc's care he isn't going to start you on a high does of anything that will send you into a manic state.

maybe you can view taking an AD the same way you view taking the klonopin? i don't think there is anything wrong with taking an AD although i think i had been taught that at one time and also had to overcome that viewpoint. depression is more complicated than just being a "try harder" type of situation. i think it can be caused by our physiology, our environment and our choices to name a few, so to only allow ourselves to muscle through is just one way to treat it. we may need to treat our physiology and/or alter our environment in addition to/or changing our thoughts and behavior.

tree!