thanks so much dfh... I am calmed down, I got some support in chats. Thanks again (((googley))) and (((shoez)))). I called T but she didn't answer.. I left a message. Maybe she will call back. It is strange that you say the tides are shifting. I guess I am feeling that too; there have been 7 years of silence since I told. Now all of a sudden we're talking about it. Weird that I posted here and then just so happens my sister freaks out and my mom calls me a day later about this. I've never talked to my mom about it.

There is so much pain all around. Mom says we are sending grandma to an early grave.. I am filled with guilt, filled to the brim. I am trying to stay safe. Checking the locks of my apartment. I might go buy a bottle of wine.. take a bath.. try to forget..