someone remind me this really was abuse (trigger, explicit)

I am going crazy thinking about this. How many times do I need to be reminded that this was bad?

I am feeling guilty for telling on my grandpa all those years ago, feeling like what he did wasn't really abuse.

And I am just going crazy thinking about this, and I can't tell my T, so this is it.

For years, my grandfather was inappropriate with me. He would ask me to sit on his lap when he had erections. He would press into me, hold me tight to his lap. He would come into my room to say hi when he was over, and then he would lock the door behind us and kiss me for much too long, holding my face and stroking my hair, commenting on my body and getting very flustered all through this. It made me feel so sick. I was so scared of him. He told me not to tell my sisters, that they would be jealous. This happened about every other weekend for about five-six years. He would either pay me $5 or give me a bunch of candy. He always asked me if I liked it, "Do you like the way I kiss you? Do you like sitting on grandpa's lap?"

Ughhh

Someone remind me this was wrong. I feel sick.

Jexa, I'm so sorry that happened. It was very wrong on many levels. 1) he was an adult and you were a child and 2) he was your grandpa! He was a sick man.........

WHy can't you talk to your T about this?

Jexa,

I am so very sorry you had to go through this, yes it was wrong very very wrong for him to do that to you, you didn't deserve any of it, it's so sad, so horrible things like this happen, that we are left to be surviors.

Sending many peaceful thoughts to you Jexa, please take gentle care of yourself, and remember it was not your fault

Always here if you need to talk, pm anytime

Peace
Typo

Oh my gosh, Jexa (((((((Jexa))))))))

That is so totally abuse. Child sexual abuse. And it was wrong, and he should NOT have done that to you. There is no way around it...no gray area. You could ask anyone in here...or any random person on the street and they would agree...
And if you didn't tell, he would have done it to others, or done worse to you, or just been able to hurt little girls...and it's just not right.

I dont want to talk to my T about CSA either...avoiding it like the plague but in the back of my mind i know i will, when the time is right...I hop you can too

I can't tell T because I need her to ask before I can speak. And I don't know, it's like she's somewhat behavioral, so I feel stupid talking about the past, like she doesn't want to hear it, and I don't really want to tell, so why talk about it? And she doesn't bring it up. If she would ask what happened, then I could tell her. But I can't just start talking about it -- no way! She knows that my grandfather did "something," that I said was "bad, well, not really that bad, I don't know," so I just wish she would ask about what exactly happened. She says it's probably more helpful to talk about the present, and bring up the past as it impacts the present. But that just makes me avoid the whole thing, like, "Oh, she doesn't want to know what happened, not really."

I am distressed I guess because my mom doesn't believe me that anything happened, and the most she will say to validate is, "Well, other people had it worse." I don't ever talk to her about it though -- NEVER!!! I don't trust her -- but this is what I heard from my sisters. I just hate that my parents still see him, still allow him into their home. They want my nieces to meet him, too, but my brother is fighting on that. I worry that they will not respect him. My nieces are with my parents every weekend and who knows if my grandparents will stop by and see my poor nieces? I don't know what to do, and all at the same time, I am doubting myself so much, feeling guilty so much for telling, and not able at all to talk to anyone about this except once or twice I have talked to my sisters (the same thing happened to them). I don't know if I should do something or if I should just shut my mouth and let my brother do his best to protect his children.

I'm so glad I don't live near my parents. But even from far away, their actions affect me. I just want to cry.

(((((((Jexa)))))))))

This was abuse!!!!!!! It was wrong!!!!! And it was not your fault!!!!! No matter what he said or did it is not your fault. I'm so sorry that your mother does not believe you and that your parents are still in contact with your grandfather. I also hope that your nieces are safe. Have you talked to your brother about your worries that your parent's might let him come over when the children are there?

Why do you have to ask your T to talk? To talk about anything or just this? My guess is that she doesn't want to press you into an area she may not think you are ready for until you bring it up. I know it is really hard to bring these things up. Could you ask her to ask about it? Maybe say something like "We haven't talked about that thing and I don't feel comfortable bringing it up, so i was wondering if you could let me know if you want to know about what happened?" I'm sure even though she is behaviorally oriented and mostly looks at the present, that she would want to hear what happened. I think that what happened has a lot to do with your current issues. Safe hugs if you want them.

IT WAS WICKED AND WRONG!
It goes without saying that you must talk about something of such gravity. She is there to help you!

I agree with the others and also the thing is, it really really is something that is directly affecting you right now. your relationship with your family, flashbacks, worries about your little nieces, maybe frustration and upsetness with lots and lots of different things that are happening and affecting your life today b/c of something that happened back then.
This sounds like it definitely fits with what she said about the past, and i agree with harrietgate that your T very very likely just doesn't want to press you on it, thinking you aren't ready to talk about it.
T's know it can hurt someone to be pushed into processing trauma before they can handle it...maybe even re-traumatize them...so she likely just doesn't want to press you on it and if you're like me....i will avoid any kinds of reference to anything even remotely related to CSA, but i know she knows there is stuff there to be explored.
Maybe you could start out by talking about strained relationships with your parents, like you don't trust your mom...and kind of lead into it like that...so it doesn't feel like you're just kind of laying it out there.
or you could like write it down and just give it to her ? I do this all the time, I have a really really hard time talking but I write all these little notes during the week and give T a summary kinda thing and it helps me a LOT...I print out one copy for her and one for me and we read them together...
I don't know if this helps...But i'm sure your T wants to talk about it...T's know all about CSA and the havoc it wreaks and how it has to be dealt with and is affecting our lives in a million ways now, even though it happened way back when...

(((((((((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((( jexa ))))))))))))))))

This was not just wrong - it was criminal. It was childhood sexual abuse.
It was his crime against an innocent child.

You can tell T that in this NOW you are feeling xyz because of this. And tell T exactly how it makes you feel in this NOW.

Jexa - this is too much pain for you to carry on your precious shoulders. And you are precious. You were a child who was sexually abused. You have it as a poison inside your soul. That poison has to be removed from your system before the daily world will be safe for you. Can you find a way to make sure your T knows that reality?

(((((googley)))))) Thank you I've expressed some concern but I don't want the conversation to turn to what happened to me when I talk to him. That is a part of my issue with trying to shield them. I know he had a fight with my parents about it, but if I make a fuss about it, and it comes back that I was the one who made a big deal, all of the sudden.. all eyes on me. And then the accusations, that I'm a liar etc, that I'm denying an innocent man any sort of relationship with his great-grandchildren. Etc. So much guilt..

I don't have too much trouble talking to T outside of SA stuff. With SA stuff it's like I can't get the words together. I told her before to ask about it, but she misunderstood the question. I can't ask her to ask me what happened, though. That is too.. obvious, or something. It would be as hard as just coming out and saying it. But we did talk today a little about this, about whether I should tell her specifics of the different things or not. It was at the end of the session but she said we should definitely talk about it next week.

Thanks ((((harrietgate))))

((((dfh))))) I think it is affecting the now and that's what T said today. We talked about how the fact that I work for a very behavioral psychologist has colored my view of therapy and made me judge myself for things I legitimately want and need to talk about with her. So looks like she does want to talk about it, because it is affecting the present. She is present-focused and somewhat behavioral, but not as behavioral as my boss. And she does have significant experience in sexual trauma and PTSD. So of course she wants to talk about it.. I think this was just in my head. I wish I had read your post before my session today! But I found a way, I suppose, to talk about it today, since it was so much on my mind this week. She said next week we'll talk about disclosure, whether I want to do it, how I want to do it. Oh boy. Writing that just sent a shiver down my spine.

((((WePow)))) thanks so much. I think just writing it out here and getting support helped me talk a little in T today.

I needed all of you today. Thanks for being here for me.

(((((((((((((Jexa)))))))))))))))
Ugh. You've gotten so many great responses, and I know I'm a little late to this thread.
I'm sorry you were abused by your grandfather.
As someone already said, it was wicked, and evil.
There is no doubt that it was really abuse.

But I know how you feel.
I'm sometimes doubtful that what happened to me was really abuse.
My T has said that the emotional effects of abuse are often harder to deal with than what happened physically. Although what happened to you physically was very very awful, the emotional and psychological parts of it were so so awful as well.

Jexa, have you thought about reporting your grandfather to the police? Or to CYS? ...if he is in contact with young children....
I recently filed a lawsuit against the person who hurt me.
It is awful and scary.....the media picked up the lawsuit and printed my name and some of the details of what happened. And there are people who think i am making it up, and judging me. Sometimes I doubt that I am doing the right thing, but then some other victims contacted me. One person who had been vicitmized 14 YEARS AGO! Although I can understand why she didn't come forward, part of me wishes she had so that maybe I didn't have to be vicitmized either. And that makes me sure that I am doing the right thing if it prevents even just one person from going through what I did.

I'm glad you talked to your T about 'talking about it'. That is a good and brave first step. I'm glad she realizes how important it is.
She sounds like a good T. I'm glad you have her.
What you are going through is scary. You are very courageous.

((((Jexa))))

Thank you for posting. Sorry I did not see this earlier. Know that you have our support today and everyday. I am so sorry that you have gone through this. As others here have said it was abuse and it was wrong. It was NEVER your fault. When you are a child, you trust adults that are suppose to be there for you and care about you. Especially being someone in your family and life. I am so sorry that your mom does not believe you.

It angers me that she told you that others have it worse. What happened to you does not get any worse. And your pain and what you are feeling is valid and understood. I am sorry that you are having to carry this and you should not carry this alone. You carried it for too long alone already. Please know that you are not alone anymore and we are here listening and hearing you.

I know you are worried about your nieces and I hope that you will tell someone (if you cannot talk to your brother someone you trust) about your concerns for them. I think it would help you to feel like you have done something and it is a way for you to give yourself back that voice you never had when you were young. Little girls and boys do not have the ability to think as an adult. That is on them not you.

I know for me, that I thought it was something that all little girl's went through. I had no idea that it was not right. It happened for so long and all the time and I was told I was special and loved. That this was how it was suppose to be. I guess I never questioned it. But it was not the way it was suppose to be and it was wrong.

I am so glad that you were able to reach out to your t. She is there for you and to hear what you have to say. I think others were right in that she was waiting for you to talk about it as she does not want to push you beyond what you can take or where you are ready to go. But I am proud of you for talking to her.

What you are doing is hard and it takes a lot of courage. You are doing what you need to and you are where you need to be right now. Remember to breathe and to do something kind for you. You are worth it and you are worth caring about. Know that we are here for you and we are walking with you.

Thank you for reaching out and for sharing. I know it was hard but you did it. Please keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. We care. I care. And I am here if you need someone to talk to, just PM me anytime. Sending gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps

Jexa - I am so so glad to hear that you brought this up with T.
Honestly, that is really what you have to do.
It is like a big sack of poooo on your shoulders that you have carried for so long.
And you know this because you see people who come and go in therapy who have that sack strapped to their back.
You also know that T is the right one who can be handed that sack.

(((darkrunner))) Thanks for your reply. I think the emotional effects are the hardest. I struggle a lot with accepting affection.. I hate to be touched, hate people in my personal space, and hate that I feel that way. I wish I could give and receive hugs and kisses freely, without feeling freaked out. In some ways if he had been more abusive and caused me bodily harm, it would be easier to separate abuse from loving affection. Maybe it's strange to wish for worse abuse. I just wish it was easier to separate is all.

I did report him, and that's what I've been feeling guilty about. I told when I was 15 because my sister told me he did the same thing to her and I couldn't let that happen to my little sister. At that age I was pretty sure it was bad what he was doing (but only when I thought about my sister.. still can't apply it to me for whatever reason). I wrote a note to a teacher and the teacher called the Department of Children and Families, who investigated the case. They ended up telling us it was my word against his and they couldn't do anything about it, but they told my parents not to let my grandfather over anymore. They didn't let him over when I was living there, but now that I am gone they do. They just kept him out to keep me from making any more fuss, not because they believed me. I am worried about my nieces but my brother apparently believes me and is trying to watch for it, but he can't keep his eye on them at every moment they are at my parents', you know? And he needs someone to watch them on the weekends right now.

((((dps))))) I'm sorry you went through something like I went through. I was somewhat the same as you.. I did think something was up just because he seemed so scared and weird when he was doing these things. But then I guess I convinced myself it was normal, the way adults treated kids they really, really liked.. or something. That grandpas usually kissed their grandkids and had them sit on their laps, so what was I complaining about?

I think I might tell my T about my concerns for my nieces. Maybe I will tell her next session. My brother is already trying to watch for it and I don't think talking to him is going to help. And I am definitely not talking to my sister-in-law; we're not close. I don't know who else to tell besides T. There's not really anyone else. Well, there's everyone here. I don't know what I would do without PC.

((((WePow)))) Yes, I think I need someone to help me carry this sack of crap. Maybe turn it into fertilizer? That seems like a goal that is impossible to reach, but I'm trying to never give up hope.

Someone help ... someone please help. Mom just called to talk about what happened. How is all of this coming up at once? Sister freaked out at mom tonight about what happened, and mom calls me to explain, but I don't want to talk, don't want to talk to her. Losing my mind, can't stop crying. Missing my grandma, I miss her so much, I loved her SO much and I never get to see her again, I ruined her life. I ruined her life. She doesn't believe me, she can't believe me because it would kill her.. she needs her husband.. her husband is a bad man.. I ruined her life, ruined their relationship, tainted all the ties in my family, created a big elephant in the room. I am what no one will talk about.. it's all my fault.. I'm losing my mind.. someone please help

(((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))))))

take some deep breaths, breathe in and out.

I'm SO SORRY your family is being like this. I am very very disappointed and they are taking this out on the wrong person.

Please know that, they are not upset with you, they are upset with HIM....He did it, you didn't do it!! In their hearts they do NOT want you to be hurt, they didn't want you to be hurt. Im so so so sorry and you deserve so so SO much better !!! Dont let them make you feel wrong or shamed or crazy, it's not true. it's just not true, it's not your fault and nothing that is happening now is your fault. (((((((jexa))))))

Your grandmother LOVES you!!! She loves you so much, i promise. It sounds like she has some big problems that have nothing to do with you.
No one is blaming you. Nothing is your fault. Its about HIM. HE did it, everyone is upset with HIM. You are the messenger, and its easier for them to be upset with you but it sounds like something is happening, something is shifting and it will be okay, promise you. THey are upset, outraged and eventually, they will turn to him and take the pressure off you. I'm so sorry, you are so so so brave.

Can you call your T?? Are you okay ?? Are you safe?? please be gentle with yourself, Jexa.

thanks so much dfh... I am calmed down, I got some support in chats. Thanks again (((googley))) and (((shoez)))). I called T but she didn't answer.. I left a message. Maybe she will call back. It is strange that you say the tides are shifting. I guess I am feeling that too; there have been 7 years of silence since I told. Now all of a sudden we're talking about it. Weird that I posted here and then just so happens my sister freaks out and my mom calls me a day later about this. I've never talked to my mom about it.

There is so much pain all around. Mom says we are sending grandma to an early grave.. I am filled with guilt, filled to the brim. I am trying to stay safe. Checking the locks of my apartment. I might go buy a bottle of wine.. take a bath.. try to forget..

Hello, jexa.

This article is lengthy but informative. Child abuse is a major source of unwellness.

http://www.jimhopper.com/abstats/#effects

((((((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))
You are a brave person who cares so much about others that you are willing to to expose your pain to prevent others from going through the same thing. None of this is your fault. The shame and guilt belongs to your abuser, ALL the fault belongs to your abuser.
HE is the person who is ruining your grandmothers life, because he put his own perverse and selfish desires ahead of his family.

You are trying to protect and help your family - and like many courageous and noble people who do the 'right' thing, - others are trying to make you feel bad about it. DO NOT let them make you feel bad.
You are doing the RIGHT thing. You are doing what needs to be done.
The secrets need to be exposed and out in the open.
Stay strong, dearest Jexa.

I'm really glad you were able to find some support and feel better last night. It's ok to take care of yourself and stay distracted.
And keep posting if it helps. My PM box is always open if you want to vent.......here for you...............

((((((Jexa))))))))

Please keep taking care of yourself. You deserve all the care in the world.

Jexa,

Supporting you.

Hunny

Jexa, I am sorry that your family is dysfunctional. I agree with what everyone else posted. You are not to blame for their dysfunctions.........

How are you doing, jexa?

(((((( Jexa ))))))))) Just now seeing this! Wow. Hon - it is NOT your fault how the family responds to this !!!! It is HIS frickin fault!!!! HE is the one who wanted to get his privates all up in your stuff when he knew d@mn well that was WRONG !!!!
OMG !!!!! Bless your soul!!!

It reminds me of how my mom protects my dad because my brother will not allow them to watch the granddaughters. They make up excuses and all that BS about this and that and that we made too much of it. OMG! A pedophile is a pedophile - period. Your grandpa did wrong. And you have EVERY RIGHT to tell it from the roof if you had the incling to do so !!!! The choice the rest of the family makes about how they deny it or process it is up to them. That is NOT your fault or job to clean up HIS mess !!!

Tell them flat out that the facts are the facts and they are free to feel whatever they want about it - but be sure you let them know that you REFUSE to accept any GUILT about the situation. HE WAS AT FAULT !!!!!!!

I am so furious right now that they are so blind and hurting you like this. I wish people would wake up and stop protecting this molestors. They are just as at fault by turning a blind eye or making an excuse as the abuser is for doing it.

Big hugs to you!!!!

Thanks byz for checking up on me. I am doing okay. I hate the weekends because they give me too much time to myself. Now I am back to work and coping. T sent an email instead of calling me back, said she was sorry to hear how much pain I was in.. and then said we would have to wait until Friday to talk, and to take good care of myself until then. She truly is a good T, just not the kind who wants a ton of between-session communication. That's okay with me I guess, but it does make me feel very, very lonely.

The loneliness probably triples the pain I feel when thinking about these things, thinking about the past. There is no one to tell but T in RL, and this is what is on my mind. Makes me detach, wall off. I hate this..

WePow, thanks. It is so hard to fight the guilt. Partly because I start to beat myself up for feeling guilty. And that's not healthy either. I don't know how to stop beating myself up all the time. Logically I know it's not my fault.. but then here starts the circle. The arguments from the corners of my mind seep in no matter what. The awful creeping doubts, the uncertainties, distrusting my own memory. Then anger toward myself, frustration that I am thinking these things yet again, shaking my finger at myself, "Stop feeling guilty." Then, guilt for feeling guilty. "You're prolonging your own suffering, you KNOW you're not supposed to feel this way, why can't you let this go?" Then logic returns, "It's okay to feel what you feel, you know it wasn't your fault, you can just move on from this, the guilt belongs to him." Then the doubts return. Then the circle repeats.

I just don't see the end of this. I just wish I could take this away, pretend nothing ever happened. Can someone just fix my broken family?