Thank you Kat, you darling person.......your post definitely lifted me up. My fiance and I are working on better skills communication wise, but my son is harder to get through to.

Teens can be notoriously egocentric and are going through massive chemical changes, as you know We have all been there to some degree or another. My mother says you have 3 mins with a teen to get your point across and then they just tune out It usually takes me about 3 weeks to even identify what the actual issue is, before I can even try to vocalise it, and that is another issue in itself. So the window of opportunity closes quite quickly.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt that I had committed a crime in having a child. I have had moments in the past where I have questioned my ability to be a good parent, as I am sure most parents do at some stage, but by the very nature of what I deal with, I am negligent. I constantly come up against situations that frighten me to the core, that the standardised cognitive responses that I have built up in my database over the years are not functioning as well. I am missing cues all over the place because he "feels" different........and I am left with this fundamental mantra in my head of "Please just let me SEE him, please tell me he will be okay if I make massive mistakes by missing something important, please tell me what he MEANS. Think, brain, THINK!!!" Safety, safety, safety........

I have worked VERY hard to be a good parent......to make up for my deficits.......to provide my son with everything I have available, and yesterday this loud and persistent voice cried in my head "BUT IS THAT ENOUGH?"

My fiance is brilliant in bridging the gap. The more he understands Aspergers, the more he is able to help my son, where I fall down. My boy is a brilliant student, well-adjusted and really enjoys being sociable. But he has a nasty manipulative side that I don't understand and can skirt along the edges of cruelty with some of his comments to me. I will not be spoken too like that and say so, but this inner part of me wonders "Do I deserve it? I am very strange, and my son knows it. Fundamentally, is he angry with me, for being the way that I am?"

It is eneven and dangerous terrain at times, Kat.......but I have a very good psychologist and Pdoc that helps me and we just keep working to accomodate my authentic self, and build self-esteem.......and this Saturday my fiance has organised a "family meeting" I am very nervous. he is doing it to help me......to help me feel that I have a say on my terms and in my language and he will try and interpret it so he can explain it to my son. My langauge can be very formal, especially when trying to explain something and my son just looks at me like I am an alien.

An eg:

My son is doing biology. For his exam he was studying the idea of physical fitness and the components (note: I was doing my science degree before I had my major burnout in 2007. I have not recovered yet). He asked me:

"Does physical health effect mental health?"

I said(this is from memory):

"Of course! When you exercise, your pituitary, activated by messages involving the adrenals and the pathways of the neurotransmitter, ACTH and other hormones, releases all sorts of other "feel good" hormones.....endorphins, dopamine, seratonin and so on. Physical exercise, primarily aerobic, is central to good mental health."

And on and on I go.......my son just stood there and laughed is head off.....shaking his head he says to me "Mum, I just wanted a simple answer". Abashed, I tried to provide one, but I could not. I cannot abbreviate science. It dissolved into silence, with the common occurance of me feeling completely ineffectual, and my son feeling completely baffled).....

Sorry for the long answer........and it is but a snapshot in time. I know it will be okay, but it is hard to believe that some days.

Big hugs back

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