Great chasms in communication....

Being a parent of a 15 year old boy has its own set of challenges......

But add those challenges to a mother(me) with AS and a son who doesn't, and you get deep sadness.....or that is how it is for me.

My isolation has never been more poignant as it feels now. My beautiful son terrifies me. Even though his personality remains the same, his body language is different, he is propelled by outbursts of emotion, reason has left the room and I feel like I am standing on very uneven ground......a slight shifting of tectonic plates......the pain of growing up.

He smells like my son, he looks like my son, but he is a stranger and I often find myself looking sideways suspiciously at him through slitted eyes, thinking "Who is this person? I do not understand them......How can I ask him to talk to me in a way that I understand? What is this great divide? HOW on earth do I process this?

I could not look my son in the eye when he was a child and struggle still to this day.......as I do with most people. I often glance at them, but my eyes automatically glance away, feeling just a little exposed and frightened. I can force myself to do it but it is exhausting. I did not hug my son enough, I did not play as I don't know how, I have made fundamental mistakes.......even when pushing myself, seemingly beyond my cognitive endurance, to be a better parent.

I cannot be both friend and teacher, mother and nurturer, carer and freedom giver.........I cannot be polarised depending on the situation, I cannot be one and the other. I am deeply flawed and I am frightened.

I love my son more than life itself, and today, after an argument with him last night that confused me to the core and distressed me beyond measure, I hate this brain that cannot reach out, that cannot accommodate, that runs away at the slightest miscalculation. I hate this brain that refuses to cooperate, that exists on logic and outcomes and process, that is so internal and downright plastic-wrapped.

I am sick to the stomach of watching people dissolve in front of me into states of fury, screaming "This is how I feel! There is no logic, there is no right and wrong, there is no MEANING! It just is! All I want is a bleeding hug!!! Can't you SEE that?"

And I am left in great sadness and trauma wondering what I missed and how did I go so wrong? What have I done? How could I be so cruel? and more importantly, how could I be so cruel and not know it?

I hate this missing part of me.......this disfunction......for today it is a tragedy and I cannot find one iota of positivity for this mind of mine. No matter my hard work, no matter my knowledge. Not one ounce of that makes up for a moment of genuine, intimate connectedness and understanding.......that has always eluded me.

This is a sad day indeed and I absolutely cannot stand myself.

Michah

((((Micah)))) I'm sorry that sounds really hard. I havent run into the problem of being a parent yet. Have you tried explaining to your family about your aspergers it might help them understand better. I think you do a wonderful job of explaining your aspergers and how their reactions make you feel in this post, maybe you could show this to them. I'm here for you if you need anything. I hope you can get this worked out.

Kat

Thank you Kat, you darling person.......your post definitely lifted me up. My fiance and I are working on better skills communication wise, but my son is harder to get through to.

Teens can be notoriously egocentric and are going through massive chemical changes, as you know We have all been there to some degree or another. My mother says you have 3 mins with a teen to get your point across and then they just tune out It usually takes me about 3 weeks to even identify what the actual issue is, before I can even try to vocalise it, and that is another issue in itself. So the window of opportunity closes quite quickly.

Yesterday was the first day that I felt that I had committed a crime in having a child. I have had moments in the past where I have questioned my ability to be a good parent, as I am sure most parents do at some stage, but by the very nature of what I deal with, I am negligent. I constantly come up against situations that frighten me to the core, that the standardised cognitive responses that I have built up in my database over the years are not functioning as well. I am missing cues all over the place because he "feels" different........and I am left with this fundamental mantra in my head of "Please just let me SEE him, please tell me he will be okay if I make massive mistakes by missing something important, please tell me what he MEANS. Think, brain, THINK!!!" Safety, safety, safety........

I have worked VERY hard to be a good parent......to make up for my deficits.......to provide my son with everything I have available, and yesterday this loud and persistent voice cried in my head "BUT IS THAT ENOUGH?"

My fiance is brilliant in bridging the gap. The more he understands Aspergers, the more he is able to help my son, where I fall down. My boy is a brilliant student, well-adjusted and really enjoys being sociable. But he has a nasty manipulative side that I don't understand and can skirt along the edges of cruelty with some of his comments to me. I will not be spoken too like that and say so, but this inner part of me wonders "Do I deserve it? I am very strange, and my son knows it. Fundamentally, is he angry with me, for being the way that I am?"

It is eneven and dangerous terrain at times, Kat.......but I have a very good psychologist and Pdoc that helps me and we just keep working to accomodate my authentic self, and build self-esteem.......and this Saturday my fiance has organised a "family meeting" I am very nervous. he is doing it to help me......to help me feel that I have a say on my terms and in my language and he will try and interpret it so he can explain it to my son. My langauge can be very formal, especially when trying to explain something and my son just looks at me like I am an alien.

An eg:

My son is doing biology. For his exam he was studying the idea of physical fitness and the components (note: I was doing my science degree before I had my major burnout in 2007. I have not recovered yet). He asked me:

"Does physical health effect mental health?"

I said(this is from memory):

"Of course! When you exercise, your pituitary, activated by messages involving the adrenals and the pathways of the neurotransmitter, ACTH and other hormones, releases all sorts of other "feel good" hormones.....endorphins, dopamine, seratonin and so on. Physical exercise, primarily aerobic, is central to good mental health."

And on and on I go.......my son just stood there and laughed is head off.....shaking his head he says to me "Mum, I just wanted a simple answer". Abashed, I tried to provide one, but I could not. I cannot abbreviate science. It dissolved into silence, with the common occurance of me feeling completely ineffectual, and my son feeling completely baffled).....

Sorry for the long answer........and it is but a snapshot in time. I know it will be okay, but it is hard to believe that some days.

Big hugs back

Mics

Michah, my thought is for you to invite your fiance and son to your therapy sessions. You son may perceive you as broken, while your fiance has made connection with your son because he is not perceived as broken.

The goal is to give your son and fiance a better understanding about how AS affects your life but does not affect how much you love and care about the people you are close to.

Good luck.

I agree with Byzantine. That sounds like a good idea. Honestly, I think it is great you have a son. Consider this, your son is getting an early dose of peoples differences then most teenagers. Becuase of this he will be better adapted to deal with peoples differences at school and even when he goes into the workforce. You being his mother has provided a very valuable experience for him and even though at times right now he may be irritated by your differences in the end he will be thankful for all you have provided him. Your aspergers has its benefits you should focus on those instead. Make a list of all the things about your aspergers that will help your son. The bell at school just rang so I have to go but I'll finish posting everything else I have to say when I get home tonight. Dont worry about the long post. It gives me a better idea of what you are dealing with. I hope this helps a little.

That's all anyone can do, parent or otherwise. We cannot make another understand, make the teen years less filled with hormones/chemicals or growing up "easier". We can only do our best as parents and it certainly sounds like you have been a great, caring parent, Michah. I hope your son comes to understand that and grows to feel in his bones how much you have given him and how hard it has been for you.

Y'know, sometimes when autism's involved, people have to be a little creative about their expressions of affection. I remember one mother and son, with the son being really tactile-defensive and hating hugs, who used to touch their fingers together instead of hugging, to say I love you. I don't mean you ought to do exactly that, unless you happen to want to; just that you're family and you'll find a way, even if it does happen to be odd.