I hate the lows, I hate them so much,

What I hate is going from feeling like I can do anything, feeling up and on top of the world, and then crashing, falling apart, disintergrating...

All I did wensday was cry, just sit and cry on and off all day, I didn't get anything done, I felt so broken and low, I was lashing out at everything and everyone, it's bad when I can't even keep my mask up to fool my parents, they were very concerned because I just laid in bed a majority of the evening, I was distant, I hadn't felt that low in such a long time, I was really scared at one point, because.. I don't even want to say it, I don't want to cause alarm to anyone, I don't want to upset anyone, I'd feel to bad, feel so sick with myself for doing that, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be here to support others..


Springtime seems to be the worst for my mood swings, I don't know why, T speculates that maybe something happend in the spring and is triggering my mood swings, I don't know, and part of me just doesn't want to know...

I felt better for a bit yesterday, I made myself go out see friends, it was nice, it was fun, I felt a bit brighter, not so dull, but even then, I still felt a little hollow, a little sad, and I knew that maybe it would just trigger me back into depression when I had to come home, it's so hard to leave, come back here to this nowhere, to this place where I'm always taking care of others, to where I'm so very alone and isolated.....

I woke up this morning and now I'm back, back to that corner, that horrible little dark part of my mind... motivation? what's that? To make it worse I have to work a double tonight, and I just don't care, I just don't, I"m tempted to call in and just lay in bed, sleep, cry, whatever, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere...

Everything hurts, I feel so small and insignifcant, so useless, I feel like nothing, I need to get my poetry together, edit, retype, start on my portfolio, but I don't have it in me, it's bad when even poetry doesn't cause a stir in me, sometimes my words are all I have....

I"m sick of this, this ride, this constant up and down, I'm so mad at myself, so very mad at myself, if I could just get myself to stick to meds, to go to a pdoc, then maybe it wouldn't be this bad at times, No I have to be stubbron, and bullheaded, but when I get to a pdoc, I freeze, I can't describe anything, I don't know what to say, and last pdoc I went to didn't even seem to listen, didn't even seem to hear what I was saying, I hate going to them alone, but there is noone to go with me for support, I hate this, I hate alone, I hate me, I hate everything..

Why, just why does it have to be like this?