Crashing

I hate the lows, I hate them so much,

What I hate is going from feeling like I can do anything, feeling up and on top of the world, and then crashing, falling apart, disintergrating...

All I did wensday was cry, just sit and cry on and off all day, I didn't get anything done, I felt so broken and low, I was lashing out at everything and everyone, it's bad when I can't even keep my mask up to fool my parents, they were very concerned because I just laid in bed a majority of the evening, I was distant, I hadn't felt that low in such a long time, I was really scared at one point, because.. I don't even want to say it, I don't want to cause alarm to anyone, I don't want to upset anyone, I'd feel to bad, feel so sick with myself for doing that, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to hurt anyone, I want to be here to support others..


Springtime seems to be the worst for my mood swings, I don't know why, T speculates that maybe something happend in the spring and is triggering my mood swings, I don't know, and part of me just doesn't want to know...

I felt better for a bit yesterday, I made myself go out see friends, it was nice, it was fun, I felt a bit brighter, not so dull, but even then, I still felt a little hollow, a little sad, and I knew that maybe it would just trigger me back into depression when I had to come home, it's so hard to leave, come back here to this nowhere, to this place where I'm always taking care of others, to where I'm so very alone and isolated.....

I woke up this morning and now I'm back, back to that corner, that horrible little dark part of my mind... motivation? what's that? To make it worse I have to work a double tonight, and I just don't care, I just don't, I"m tempted to call in and just lay in bed, sleep, cry, whatever, I don't want to be here, I don't want to be anywhere...

Everything hurts, I feel so small and insignifcant, so useless, I feel like nothing, I need to get my poetry together, edit, retype, start on my portfolio, but I don't have it in me, it's bad when even poetry doesn't cause a stir in me, sometimes my words are all I have....

I"m sick of this, this ride, this constant up and down, I'm so mad at myself, so very mad at myself, if I could just get myself to stick to meds, to go to a pdoc, then maybe it wouldn't be this bad at times, No I have to be stubbron, and bullheaded, but when I get to a pdoc, I freeze, I can't describe anything, I don't know what to say, and last pdoc I went to didn't even seem to listen, didn't even seem to hear what I was saying, I hate going to them alone, but there is noone to go with me for support, I hate this, I hate alone, I hate me, I hate everything..

Why, just why does it have to be like this?

I know how you feel, my psychaiatrist doesn't listen to me either.. I feel terrible today, and I am getting so very sick of this "life" of mine. All the things I used to get joy from, appreciate, love, everything means nothing anymore. I'm lost, and getting deeper, my roller coaster barely goes up, its like the drop of the superman, straight down, and it just keeps going down and down and down.

I don't know what to do anymore.. I hate being around people, the cold isolation and solidarity of my room, and being alone is old. The crazy thing is.. the lonliness is growing on me, its becoming me, its engulfing me in this black hole. I can't even keep myself from lashing out at the ones who "care". They say they say they care.. but they don't.. they don't listen.. they don't take the time to care.. so I don't see the point in explaining.

I don't know why it has to be like this, but your not alone, far from it. And I only said all that to let you know.

((((((TerminalxDarkness))))))

I'm sorry your on the same rollar coaster ride as well, Mine goes straight up, coasts, then without warning plummets...

It's nice to know, that at least we have PC to help find support, so we know we aren't alone in this..

Pm anytime you need to talk,

I"m okay one moment, the next I"m not, I don't understand it, this morning, this past week has just been a constant detiration of my mental state,

I just need to know, that it isn't going to be like this forever, I just need someone to hear me, I just need some comfort, I just need some hope....

I"m left wandering circles in my mind, I'm tired, I"m weary, and it isn't even noon yet, however am I going to make it? How am I going to make it thorugh work, through the day, through the next hour? I just want to sit and cry, just cry and cry and cry....

Yea, its a HUGE coaster... mine seems to go down more than up however. I can never control it, never have a warning as well. I have alrdy lost my hope, i know that's not good, but it is the truth. I don't see any signs of getting better and it sucks. I go through a lot during the day as well as you. Along with the depression, the thoughts of how can I make it, I have raging anger, everyone around me flares it, wether they do something or not. My sanity is almost nothing left, and I'm done trying to resist it bc I always get knocked back even faster. Idk what to do as much as you don't.

And pm me as well if you need me or want to talk.

Hello, Typo. Does this article make some sense: http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/dep...atment/MY00751

What is going on is not working for a number of reasons. You must be open and forthright with the professionals. You must make sure your psychiatrist is listening to what you say. Be bullheaded in making sure the psychiatrist has heard and understands what you are saying.

Are you in therapy?

Treatment is a cooperative venture. Both the professionals and the client must do their parts to achieve a good result.

Good luck, my friend.

Hi Byz, I noticed that the Mayo Clinic blog post you linked to is titled "When depression treatment isn't working". Typo reported here (02-15-2010) that she'd been diagnosed as bipolar and prescribed an antipsychotic, didn't like the overall effects, and stopped taking it after just a couple of doses. I'm not sure how well the article would apply.

It seems to me that some pdocs will respond to that better than others, and the longer it takes you to persuade them to listen, the more of their (expensive) time you'll end up paying for. I can see how if a pdoc seems not to be listening well the first time, you might think twice before deciding to pay for (quite possibly) some more of the same.

I'm interested in what kind of results have others here had from being bullheaded with their diagnosers/prescribers, and what kinds of bullheadedness seemed to work the best. I've seldom had disagreements with providers myself but I know a few others who have. I don't know if I'd be up to being as persistent as they were, myself -- but I've never had the provocation they had, either. I tend to stop, at least at first, at the thought "But they're the doctor and I'm only the patient, so don't they know a lot more than I do about what's likely to work for me?"

Typo's been mentioning therapy a lot. When I searched just now for posts with [therapy] by [Typo], I got 73 hits.

I enthusiastically agree. I know that in some places professionals tend to be in short supply, overextended, and overworked. If a professional seems to be doing a bit less than their part for whatever reason, what works best (at reasonable cost) to get them to, or to find one who can do better?

<hugs Typo-po>

I wish I had some advice to offer, but I don't. I just want to sit near you and share my support and understanding. I hope you feel better soon; I'm here for you!

All I can add - luckily there are a substantial number of members on this forum, so we can alternate being there for each other. Just know that it is just a phase - ride this rollercoaster out until the very end, and there will be sunshine at the end of the tunnel! ((HUG))

Find a different psyc, make a copy of this post and take it to him/her. That way your words are already there. And please take and stay on your meds.

hi (((typo))), just wanted to let you know your not alone, alot of us go thru this, and though it seems unbearable-i know- it will get better, just hang in there,okay? take care and im wishing you the best..

Thank you all for your kind and thoughtful responses

I"m feeling much better, seem to be stablizing, I'm still learning what triggers these episodes, and when I cycle into them,

I need to be more open minded to the possibilty of medication, I hate the idea of it, and I am terrfied of the side effects, my knowledge is weak on the topic as well.

I"m up for now, but fearful of getting back down low, I took care to make myself go out a few times this weekend to go see friends (I have a HUGE issue of isolating when crashing into a low)

I don't know what to tell T, or what steps to take to make the lows easier, or to do better self care, feeling a big overwhelmed by my bipolar disorder at the moment

Fool.... I am bipolar and read the article Byz linked here and I think regardless of one's dx it offers valuable advice. Bullheaded may be a loaded word for someone but certainly being assertive and expressive with your pdoc is important. Like you Typo, I go mute when set before a professional listener. It is really difficult for me to open up or even validate my right to be heard. I hope you are able to find your voice with your docs so you can get the most out of your time with them. I avoid docs like the plague and suffer the consequences in silence. Not recommended.

I hope you are feeling better everyday Typo. I know all to well the ride on the rollar coaster. Never know from one day to the next when the flip will happen. If it will happen and why. It remains a mystery and challenging way to live.

Fortunately the bad days do pass. One thing I am learning not to do when I am in the worst of its grip is to not to let myself ask why. That question is deadly for me. There is no satisfactory answer. It just adds to the rage, frustration, self pity, hopelessness, endlessness of the pain. It just feeds my most negative thoughts. I am teaching myself instead when that question tempts me to just keep telling myself it will pass. It always passes. It will pass. I find it really important to do my best to cut off the thinking. Nothing I am thinking in those times is useful. They all just seem to fuel my pain. I am teaching myself to dwell only on those things that will break the spell. That will counter how I feel when I am in the pit. It is almost like I am trying not to feel as a way to cut away the pain that grips me. I am trying to listen only to the echo of what I want to believe. I will be okay. This will pass. My thoughts are warped right now. My brain is playing tricks on me. I will not go there. This too shall pass. I will be okay. I will figure out why when I am feeling better. Interestingly when I am feeling better the question of why isn't nearly as loaded a question as it is when I am down.

Hang in ther Typo. You are definately not alone. It amazing me to discover that myself. I feel so alone in my suffering when I am stuck in the pit. When I read your words and the same sentiment expressed by others it does help put it into some perspective. I didn't invent this. It is not my fault. It will pass. I want it to stop but so far nothing is making it stop. Let us not give up fighting the good fight until the roller coaster stops forever. What a wonderful day that will be.

Hope you are feeling better every day. Be good to yourself no matter what.

I am happy you are feeling better Typo. ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Typo, in my less than stellar posts I was trying to say that treatment is a cooperative venture. To achieve a better result, the client must be open and forthright. Following the recommendations regarding taking meds is critical. Tell your therapist about symptoms -- what is going on that makes you feel the way you do. Things like what people said or tasks thrust upon you unfairly or coworkers or friends that triggered feelings. Work daily to eradicate negative chatter. Reward yourself for stepping out of your comfort zone and taking risks that help you feel better about yourself. Recognize that getting better sometimes means having to take a step back to fully explore the implications you have discovered. Healing will always be a work in process. Love yourself while you are working your way through it.

(((((( Typo ))))))