(((feary))) it has been a lo-----ng road for me and I understand when you say you don't even want to see your kids..it's to painful I know I couldn't or wouldn't even think of mine..nobody could even talk about them...for years ...I literally cried for 5 years every day it was so painful.
I even denied I had kids when people asked me if I did..it was a break down every time, didn't want to go there I was afraid of what would happen to me.

All I can say is time and prayer made a difference for me.....and than I realized this was going to hurt me but not until I had a mental breakdown first it scared me back to reality.......you are grieving and you are going thru the cycles of grieving...one day it will be better I promise you just have to believe ,and it's ok to go and have that hysterical cry your hurting...take one step at a time (((((feary))))
peace and strength