LoneScout,

If you don't mind saying, what got you into such a state of mind? I am new to this but I want to tell you that before I found my calling, I too was lost, I wanted out of this life just as you do now. I found that my God had a much higher calling for me than I had for myself. My life changed at this point. I didn't have to live with this depression unless I chose too. And sometimes I do chose too. Now concerning your issue. For those who have wrote before me, they are correct in saying that you now have a bigger issue to think about. It's called responsibility to your family. It's not just about YOU anymore, it's about that little girl who depends on you and smiles up at her Daddy looking for a look of love back. She needs you and the unborn child needs you just as much. Your wife I am sure loves you very much and you love her or you would have never asked her to marry you, right? So yes, ending your life is the cowards way out and is very selfish. I lost a few friends to suicide over the years. It was hurtful but nothing compares to the pain it causes a family, I've seen it up close and personal. Let me tell you one story in particular.
A friend of mine whom I considered to be an intelligent woman, very attractive with a kind heart. She and her husband adopted two children in her younger years. She adored these kids. Her oldest, a boy who had lost his way you might say was getting into a lot of trouble, she almost lost him in a car accident a year prior to her taking her own life. She told me she never wanted to hurt them or be a burden to them, she had Multiply Sclerosis and was in a wheel chair. Her daughter was beautiful and loved her Mom so much. She and her son had an estranged relationship due to his behavior and her stubborness. I was helping her out three days a week at her home when one day she explained to me the pain she went through day after day. Her husband's touch use to feel so special and now it feels like her skin is burning when he or anyone else touches any part of her body. Some days are better than others she claimed. But there are times when the pain in her body goes beyond tolerable, she can hardly stand it. It's at these times she tells me when she feels like taking all of her pills at one time and going into her pool one last time, hoping they will rule it an accidental drowning. I told her they probably wouldn't do that and if she loved her children as she said she did, why would she want to put them throught this. She told me I didn't understand and to be honest, I didn't. She said believe me, I would never hurt my children if I didn't have too and I don't really want too.
I mentioned this to her husband and a friend of ours, they said she had been talking about suicide for months and that's why they never left her alone but for a few minutes here and there. Not long after this, maybe two weeks or so, I got a call from this mutual friend, she was hysterical and I couldn't make sense of what she was saying to me. The only thing I could make out was Mary, oh God Mary. I soon realized what had happened, Mary(not her real name) had done exactly what she told me she was going to do and the daughter that she so adored and never wanted to hurt or burden came home from school and found her lifeless body. It took years and years of therapy for this girl to get to the point of a semi-functional life style, she saw her Mother in her sleep and in every waking moment for months on end, she would relived the scene over and over and cry and cry some more. She couldn't get the image out of her mind for a long time. Mary not only hurt her daughter, son and husband very deeply but she also left her daughter with the burden of trying to forget what happen and she spent many years blaming herself for not being there. Who will help me plan my Wedding the daughter said, who will be there with me while I am in labor with my first born? Her son carried a deeper burden. So I ask you, is this the kind of legacy you want to leave your family? To only remember your tragic and sad death? Mary was a great person but not many people talk about this, they do talk about what she did to her kids. Oh and by the way, her son and her were not on good terms at the time of her passing and he felt a lot of guilt from this. I had heard that the son plunged into a life full of drugs and alcohol after his Mother's death. He quit college as well. It wasn't quite a year after Mary's death that I recieved another dreaded phone call. Anthony (not his real name) was in a horrible car accident and wasn't expected to live. He died soon after and it was a while down the road when they ruled it a suicide. I will spare you the details. And by the way, he didn't die instantly like most people think, he suffered for a while after and then passed. So the husband/father, daughter/sister had to endure two deaths in one year to a very self serving act. A thought that became the reality of many family members who loved these two people very dearly. Mary's was much easier to accept and understand in my opinion but the son's, not so much. So you think about this story before you decide what is best for you and your family okay. It's time to get some help. My prayers will be with you this week.