Impacts to my family by my depression

LoneScout,

If you don't mind saying, what got you into such a state of mind? I am new to this but I want to tell you that before I found my calling, I too was lost, I wanted out of this life just as you do now. I found that my God had a much higher calling for me than I had for myself. My life changed at this point. I didn't have to live with this depression unless I chose too. And sometimes I do chose too. Now concerning your issue. For those who have wrote before me, they are correct in saying that you now have a bigger issue to think about. It's called responsibility to your family. It's not just about YOU anymore, it's about that little girl who depends on you and smiles up at her Daddy looking for a look of love back. She needs you and the unborn child needs you just as much. Your wife I am sure loves you very much and you love her or you would have never asked her to marry you, right? So yes, ending your life is the cowards way out and is very selfish. I lost a few friends to suicide over the years. It was hurtful but nothing compares to the pain it causes a family, I've seen it up close and personal. Let me tell you one story in particular.
A friend of mine whom I considered to be an intelligent woman, very attractive with a kind heart. She and her husband adopted two children in her younger years. She adored these kids. Her oldest, a boy who had lost his way you might say was getting into a lot of trouble, she almost lost him in a car accident a year prior to her taking her own life. She told me she never wanted to hurt them or be a burden to them, she had Multiply Sclerosis and was in a wheel chair. Her daughter was beautiful and loved her Mom so much. She and her son had an estranged relationship due to his behavior and her stubborness. I was helping her out three days a week at her home when one day she explained to me the pain she went through day after day. Her husband's touch use to feel so special and now it feels like her skin is burning when he or anyone else touches any part of her body. Some days are better than others she claimed. But there are times when the pain in her body goes beyond tolerable, she can hardly stand it. It's at these times she tells me when she feels like taking all of her pills at one time and going into her pool one last time, hoping they will rule it an accidental drowning. I told her they probably wouldn't do that and if she loved her children as she said she did, why would she want to put them throught this. She told me I didn't understand and to be honest, I didn't. She said believe me, I would never hurt my children if I didn't have too and I don't really want too.
I mentioned this to her husband and a friend of ours, they said she had been talking about suicide for months and that's why they never left her alone but for a few minutes here and there. Not long after this, maybe two weeks or so, I got a call from this mutual friend, she was hysterical and I couldn't make sense of what she was saying to me. The only thing I could make out was Mary, oh God Mary. I soon realized what had happened, Mary(not her real name) had done exactly what she told me she was going to do and the daughter that she so adored and never wanted to hurt or burden came home from school and found her lifeless body. It took years and years of therapy for this girl to get to the point of a semi-functional life style, she saw her Mother in her sleep and in every waking moment for months on end, she would relived the scene over and over and cry and cry some more. She couldn't get the image out of her mind for a long time. Mary not only hurt her daughter, son and husband very deeply but she also left her daughter with the burden of trying to forget what happen and she spent many years blaming herself for not being there. Who will help me plan my Wedding the daughter said, who will be there with me while I am in labor with my first born? Her son carried a deeper burden. So I ask you, is this the kind of legacy you want to leave your family? To only remember your tragic and sad death? Mary was a great person but not many people talk about this, they do talk about what she did to her kids. Oh and by the way, her son and her were not on good terms at the time of her passing and he felt a lot of guilt from this. I had heard that the son plunged into a life full of drugs and alcohol after his Mother's death. He quit college as well. It wasn't quite a year after Mary's death that I recieved another dreaded phone call. Anthony (not his real name) was in a horrible car accident and wasn't expected to live. He died soon after and it was a while down the road when they ruled it a suicide. I will spare you the details. And by the way, he didn't die instantly like most people think, he suffered for a while after and then passed. So the husband/father, daughter/sister had to endure two deaths in one year to a very self serving act. A thought that became the reality of many family members who loved these two people very dearly. Mary's was much easier to accept and understand in my opinion but the son's, not so much. So you think about this story before you decide what is best for you and your family okay. It's time to get some help. My prayers will be with you this week.

This was very well said thank you for the advice.
Lonescout

This is a very hard story, and will help to keep me from the darkness that calls me. I am trying.
LoneScout

But this could be different my wife could collect on my life insurance, my wife could explain to my son "daddy had something like a heart attack accept it was a 'brain attack'"asfp. The money could really help the family.
I don't know I am really trying.

There's no amount of money that could ever make up for your wife losing her husband and your kids losing their dad. I think that's just very low self esteem talking, thinking it might even be better for them to have money than have you. You're definitely wrong. I don't there is any amount of money in this world which would make you dying the better option for your family, please put that thought out of your mind. They wouldn't want that. They want you!

Thanks for posting the picture of your son - what a gorgeous little boy, you're very lucky. It was nice to hear about his bath, too, trying to say bubbles lol. I know you don't want to miss out on all the thousands of little moments like that with your son and new baby.

I think you're doing great with trying to help yourself. You've been going to that support group (and to stay when you even got the wrong day, that's great!) and started on medication, I hope it kicks in soon. Has your therapy sessions started yet?

You're doing all the right things, just remember that it takes time. You know you want to be better for YOU and your family, to live a happier life... it just takes time and effort but you have that. Keep holding on, it might be slow but you're headed in the right direction. x

Thank u, ur so kind lisa, I will try to stay on the earth path. I have start therapy and have another session on wed, support grp on thurs.
LoneScout

((((lonescout))))))))

I am so sorry you are in this position. Yes I think it is selfish, but yet I understand that feeling of wanting to die so desperatly. I've been there. Sometimes I still ask myself that and I have a child and husband. I hope you don't consider this an option anymore since it's been a week or so since you posted this. There are good things out there for you. There have got to be. Take good care of yourself. Drop me a PM if you want to.

Sorry I didn't see this thread earlier. I can't read all the replies (1. it's late; 2. triggering topic for me). So I'll just throw in my 2 cents...

LoneScout: As you know, there are things in life that are much much worse than death. Your wife (and even your child once he/she will be born) will have to go through living hell if you kill yourself. Do you really want them to experience the kind of great overwhelming and devastating sorrow you're currently battling?

Believe me, I know very well how tempting death can be. But please consider the consequences of your actions. Sometimes doing the right thing doesn't equal doing what we feel is in our best interest.

How are you doing, LoneScout?

Thank you freak I love your picture.

Thank you for asking, not to well a person is trying to get me fired because I have a higher pay band than he does and he is making up lies to management. Fortunately, there is one supervisor who beleaves in me.

Today I came in to work crying because of this. My coworker saw me and took me out of the office bought me breakfast and gave me money to take a taxi home since she was worried I would hurt myself on the subway. She really cares, I am luck to have this.

I am trying to hang in there. I have been accepted to Grad School, hopefuly this will distract me from the darkness that I feel.

Grad school, wow, congratulations!! What will you be studying? I hope it can bring you a sense of acomplishment, pride... seems you have great skills and talent but perhaps don't appreciate yourself enough.

I'm sorry about the crappy situation at work! Your co-worker who is trying to get you fired is... vile!! What a thing to do and for such a silly reason (you getting paid more), that kind of spitefulness is truly ugly in a person, I hope it doesn't bring you down too much and that it gets sorted out asap. To lie to management about you is obviously wrong, I hope action is taken against them, perhaps they should lose their job? No place for that kind of behaviour in a work place.

I'm glad your other coworker was kind to you and recognised you would benefit from their kindness, how sweet to buy you breakfast and to let you go home, even paying for a taxi!

Keep hanging in there and doing what you're doing x

Yes LoneScout, a man can and should share that. Keep the post coming.

OK this is a bit late, but the topic of music was brough up, also there was mention of cars somewhere in this tread.

"Red Barchetta" by Rush, such a great song to listen to when you are driving, I promise that it will make you feel better listening to it if you are driving, and if you are sitting on the sofa, it will probally help there too.