well... i have thought of a few things... T wanted me to talk about how i felt safely intimate with him (because he was gay and thus safe) and how i haven't had that before or since (duh, T). I guess and how that was so important to have or something.
I thought about talking about my eating issues because it's making me sick.... and another thing i realized is that I think i am sort of doing what my friend did before he died. He gained a lot of weight suddenly, started binging on anything nearby and drinking... and then he was gone. i know often couples who are REALLY close to each other will often die one after the other, and often in the same manner. And even tho it has been 9 years, I still lose time on it and still haven't chosen life, even while I'm not actively sui.
But...... i had a small realization today... while another person was talking about her abuse history... (we were doing sort of reinactment and then stepping in to alter it)... the T (who i think is a really good trauma t) asked her who would have stepped in to stop it, if they had known. and then where is the small part of her (heart, soul, essence) that has never been and cannot be touched - where is it and how big is it and how can she nuture it.
My realizations were on several levels.
one was that no one would have interviened on my behalf. We had the same situation in age, altered by a substance, and nearly in details with more than one kid involved and more than one perp. SHe said her dad would have stopped it if he'd been there. I don't know that mine would have - and would it have mattered if he did? He was the reason i was dissociated and got into that situation in the first place. He was my 3rd perp and for many years. mom and his mom were perps 1 and 2. So there was really no one to step in and stop it - ever. it was only ever lip service: "I'd kill any man that touches you"... "don't go to that house, i don't trust him" ... "you're so lucky, you've never been abused."
So, i was thinking about it - the only "one" to step in, to intervien, was my own brain. thus, complex ptsd that resulted in DID with many alters to take over during various abuses. Yay brain. THere was no one else so the mind did the work, starting at 3.
And one one hand, many alts think that there IS NO small part that hasn't been hurt. That those parts were killed off. Yet... with the Belleruth Naperstak tapes, we do follow the guided imagery down into the hidden part of the heart where there is still some light and good.
So...... then today there was a lot of pain... a lot of clarity... and the realization that NOTHING helps. Not drinking, not cutting, not even sui. None of it changes it. It was laid out bare and stark and sharp in every detail (this last r*** that was very similar to the gal's at the same age). But nothing to do with it to get it OUT. That is where I am at right now. How do i get it OUT and GONE?
No T was available to call, i knew, I couldn't use my own phone. I tried a different phone to call RAINN to just talk to someone to get it out. To be witnessed to be heard.
But RAINN transferred me to my local crisis line who didn't know what to do with me, and gave me some other number to call... and i didn't care anymore after that.
So i have been restless. I wanted to talk to someone here on the computer - and the computer froze up and wouldn't let me connect for 4 hours.
@_@
It has been a trying day and I don't like going into the weekend like this. I didn't even bother to medicate - why should i?!? there everything is; stark naked in the daylight and nothing will make it better. I didn't even have fear - just.... just.... i don't even have WORDS.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm empty and lost and confused yet full of this... anger? rage? this poison? that i can't dump anywhere. that no one IRL wants to hear or put up with or witness - yet they want me "better".
I..... why are there no words for this?