intensive therapy program

Hehehe hehehehe yes Thanks! =) I like it. And I did, too - Had to tell our trauma history today. There's a lot i've never said, and I don't think I've ever told any of it in front of men before. It's been a big day.

(((((Kiya))))))

((((((((((((((((((Kiyacat)))))))))))))))))))))

I"m so proud of you, look at you go! Your really taking charge and starting to shape the life you want and deserve!

You sis is cheering you on!! Way to go! Keep us all updated on everything hun, I hope the intensive program goes well and my thoughts are with you

Lots and lots and LOTS of love
Lilfish

Woo Hoo Kiya!! Very, very good work!!!!!!!!!

I already posted this in the Abuse Forum, so I hope this doesn't get removed. I forgot where I had this thread lol. But, I guess that now that I told my group, and I told my T... and then I went and told my mentor... I might as well just keep on telling it until I purge it all right out and get myself free from it. I first started therapy in 2002, so 8 long years later i'm here to say HEY WORLD, I'M NOT KEEPING THIS SECRET ANYMORE!
whew that set me shaking! I'd better post before I delete.

So; I had both intensive group and therapy yesterday- and it truly was quite intense.
We were still working on our timelines of events that we started last wed. After that day I cried and hid, and had to get calmed down. Today, i found out in advance that we were still hearing from people - so i was proactive in taking my anxiety med.
So first one guy went, then me. I told them that I was really not wanting to do this because it is alllllllll trauma stuff. The T said I totally didn't have to, but I said I DO because this is my stuck point. In 6 years of T, I've still not been able to work thru this.
************triggers***********
So I said my timeline: molested between 0-3 by mom and dad's mom, molested and incestually raped by dad from then until 11 or 12, boys on the playground in after school care doing what they want with me and using that as "buying power" for me to "earn" things i wanted. Teacher seeing this on the playground thru the trees, who was also standing there with my mom when she came to pick me up, met me halfway in between and said "I saw what you did. If you ever do that again, I'm telling your mother." I was scared of him. Later, he pushed a boy on me, saying "You want to be an adult, this is what adults do" and forced the boy on me orally. I ran into him at the store when with mom and was terrified. a friend's dad who came in on us in the night when I had a sleep over with her - she'd changed beds with me and he thought I was her - molested me, and left. at 12, a neighbor's dad had my bff and I drugged and lured to his house by his daughter who we realized later was always drugged and abused. He made my bff and I watch as he raped his daughter - serene with the drug and the commonness of this (sickening) then raped my bff (while i watched, drugged, unable to escape) and then me. (I think the son was there too, but I don't have much of that memory with the drug). after i became a woman, my family left me alone sexually, but the emotional abuse continued, and the occasional fight with hitting. at 18 i had an abusive boyfriend, who constantly pressed advances while i said no, never left me with clothes on, and never respected me. also hit me -tho never in the face - and was emotionally abusive, who attempted a date rape that some Ts have called date rape... i don't know what to call it. I've not dated since... hmmmmmmmmm wonder why. that was 14 years ago
The T said I needed the Crocodile puppet i'd chosen on the first day of group to snap at things, so I told them all before I started that I had an armadillo stuffie up my sleeve (literally) and pulled him out - it was a really big sleeve to hide Benedict. Said he had an identity crisis much like myself. Afterward, a gal said that Benedict did a very good job of protecting me and that maybe he could have a strawberry later. =) People told me I was brave for speaking, that they were sorry all that had happened to me, that one guy felt guilty for ever being forward with or around women and would try to be more sensitive from now on. Others told me they had the same history and we talked about how it affects us still to this day. Another man thanked me for sharing.

Then Therapy: we talked about graduation, the good, some of the bad, the things i learned, mom's really strange behavior around accidently hitting me in the chest and then running her finger in a seemingly sexual manner up my leg whne helping me determine if I really needed to shave or not (T. was rather unsettled by that). then we spoke about group t and I told her I shared my timeline. And she told me that healing is about getting the story out side of us, be heard, be witnessed, and move on. She was glad group T said i didn't have to speak, and glad that I did speak anyway. I told her that my problems in all my other therapy attempts were around having to "say it and forget it". Or to "rewrite all our past the way we want it" and I was not ok with those because these people wanted me to forget something I barely knew in the first place. I'd known there was something wrong, started getting flashbacks at 16, started putting 2+2 together, and here they all wanted me to set it aside and move on (like HINT HINT T. Don't do this to me too).
Then T. looked shocked that people would do that.
***T said It can't be denied. It won't ever go away and it can't be changed.***
I said i really needed to hear that, and burst into tears.
I got validated. I got heard. I said all the crap. She confirmed what I've felt - I can't just push it away like it never happened. I can't "rewrite my story" so everything is happy and good. She confirmed that is is life-altering. Healing is about not staying in that place of trauma; not denying it, not rewriting it, not forgetting it. Incorporating it into life and moving on. It will still always be there, but it won't have power over me any more. I needed that. Crying again now remembering this. At the end she re-confirmed all those things to me yet again.
I was struggling with some new sensations: I'd just said all this scary stuff, twice! But I didn't feel heavy, triggered, burdened, or gross. I felt lighter. and yet i felt like i SHOULD feel all those things. I had all this chocolate in my basket - was i triggered? Should i be triggered? Was this just habit because this is what usually happens when i try to talk?
I decided to let it be and let me get what i needed. It was a big day after all; spoken, not cut, didn't get bad things, didn't do anything terrible. We were validated, We're confused about what to feel now... I decided to let the routien be for now and just allow the "ok-ness" to be there... see if we can get used to it... I know I'm not earning any group T goal stars for my bad eating... and yet, maybe I am because this was a new hurdle.

Sooooooooooooooooo yeah. Tired. feeling both raw and new at the same time... lighter and more confused or concerned or ...no.... i dunno. cold. last night i was cold too... but still light... like a visor was lifted from my eyes and i still expect it to be there, yet now i can see the sun and sky - the memory of the visor is strong. Still not sure what to make of this internal feeling. I feel like i SHOULD be feeling re-traumatized and victimized - but I don't. Yet the shell is half way up expecting it... yet I don't feel danger. Freezing still, but not in danger.
Need to have some tension tamer tea and take it easy a bit.
Thanks for reading, if you got this far - quite a heavy post.

Kiya
You are so brave. I am so glad to know you.

Kiya I couldn't read all of it, although I know pretty much what it said. If no one has ever apologized to you for all of that happening, I sure willl

I was so bowled over to see this there. >> it won't have power over me any more << That's what i was thinking of when I thought, it can be changed in a way. The story can't change, but the later chapters & end of the story sure can change, and Kiya you are writing some beautiful chapters here.
Beautiful and brave Kiya.

((((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))

I remember the feeling of a burden being gone the first time I shared part of my story. I expected to feel horrible afterwards, and like you, I really did feel lighter. Like I had given some of it to T to hold, and we were in it together, and I would never have to be alone with it again. Somehow the telling broke the spell of it. I was told so many times don't tell, don't tell, don't tell and it's almost like in keeping the secret, the abuse and trauma were continuing, because the abusers were still controlling me. When I told, it was the first step towards finally having a little bit of power.

I remember leaving a message for T and telling him how the world looked so different after I told, that the sky seemed bluer, that it made me feel so FREE to have told and have it be okay.

There actually did end up being a bit of a backlash for me..after the good feelings came the bad feelings. (I'm just telling you that in case it happens to you...T says that it's totally normal and expected). But the memory of those good feelings was still there, and that gave me the courage and the will to keep telling my story, and to finally, FINALLY purge all of that crap that had filled me up for so many years.

(((((((((((((kiya))))))))))))))))) I am SO SO SO proud of you.



for the littles:

Zoo, I am glad you are still glad to know me thank you

Thanks, SAWE. it was so important to me that T said that because all my other Ts and counsleors have tried to get me to forget the past, rewrite the past... one even wanted me to take that PTSD pill to erace the past. @_@ I was angry - I didn't want to undo something I didn't even understand -something PART of me; my history, the first 12 years of my life, the reasons for the creation of 7+ alters in my mind. And I thought that this T wanted that too - forgiveness, integration, move on... so to hear her say that (she, who also has a CSA background), was life-affirming. I could still keep my past - it just would no longer keep me. Yes, the future chapters will be different (thank all things holy!) but it will not be devoid of my early years and experiences.
=)

yes- exactly. it is amazing to come out of the grip of trauma and see color. an incredible blue sky, bright green trees in full leaf. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop - how can this be real?

hmmmmm i do remember this from your posts. ty for telling me about this part. i have had some backlash - bingeing mostly. and some very minor spending. It does seem like the internals have sort of drawn back collectively - to see what is happening, perhaps... see if we are really safe from all this. My mentor also is right on top of this with telling me it is a process. And T sent a nice email, too, much like yours when I told her about this lightness. I'd asked her what next... she said it is a process and to show up each day and stay as present as i can through it.

ty - they totally felt that =)

((((((((((kiya))))))))))

wow kiya. you are amazing. i can't even begin to comprehend how anyone survives so much abuse. it is unfathomable to me. i think your life is being lovingly held. much love to you. you are a wonder girl.

p.s. congratulations on getting your masters! that is quite an accomplishment.

Wow this week has been pretty triggery. I'd had massage on friday, then yesterday (monday) this *terrible* pain dominated my shoulder and neck to where i could not move my head in any direction... so I went to group therapy, ha ha. They commended me for being there - my eyes were watering with the pain. But i was committed to being there, no matter what, right?
We had to identify a *place* in our lives where we are stuck... A? as in one? @_@ after years of CSA? *sigh*. I tried to explain that at each new happening, another age of me got frozen in that time. T says, "So think on it and pick one and we'll work on those". Can I skip tomorrow??
I just don't know how to "show up each day and be present with what comes up" (as my own t said) to share just one part of myself who "was stuck or frozen or didn't get to finish something". I've not told the group i am DID, I think they'd freak if I told them I have multiple personalities. ANd which alter would the t like to work with? which do i start with? alters at the top (who are really alters created by the original alters)? Or the first few - who could then really go into a backlash (which is why T and I have not processed trauma; she's scared they'll hurt us). Maybe I will call T tonight and talk with her about it - what she thinks. And then maybe she can talk with the group T. Not everyone will process tomorrow, certainly. 9 people in 90 min. So, I can wait it out. In fact, maybe I won't call t - just not volunteer tomorrow in group and talk with t in my apnt. 2 hours later. Yeah - way to plan group! Ok, meeting ajourned.

I did say in group today that I was very nervous about the process (in fact soooooooooo nervus and jumpy I had to increase the anxiety med just to get out the door to group). I told them I am not yet ready to do the process she had in mind. Another man volunteered to go today, and there was a lot of tension in the room - or discomfort or... maybe all the rest of us going "oh **** i SO don't want to do this". That was my response. I also felt that i needed to block from the rest of the group. Byt the end, I was sitting with both arms crossed and hugging my shoulders.
Later the T asked me how the littles were doing (I some how didn't get that she understood DID terminology) and was surprised. I said I was a bit shaky and they were scared to do this - also they didn't see how it would be possible.
As mentioned earlier, I did talk with my T today in session about this dilema and the various opportunities (traumas) to share with the group via this process. I explained my concerns and fears, and even details of our first trauma that was done by the grandmother, and then the mother also. How one alter was developed in that time. T decided that perhaps it be best for me instead to focus not on interpersonal violence, but to work on the death of my dear friend (from 2001). I miss him SOOOOO very much that naturally i started crying right then and there. We're supposed to work on a "stuck" time in our lives. Granted I *was* stuck then for a good 2 years or more, but I believe I am unstuck around that now. I just have intense grief around it. T asked me what about it caused me to be stuck back then. I answered that it should have been me who died instead of him; he was so talented - a great Tenor - and had a scholarship (well I think he ended up losing it to bad grades or something). I felt his life was more important than mine. I felt he had more potential than I did. In hindsight, his life had slipped just about as far as I think mine had - maybe more. In fact, i think he dropped school since he lost the scholarship. But he had always been so chipper, happy, vibrant.... I was the depressed, withdrawn, quiet one. Why him? Why not me? I'd been suicidal soooooooooo often for so many years. Why take the lively one, the one everybody loved? It just made no sense.
Oh yeah, T wants me to focus on the fact that I felt loved by him and i loved him (he was gay, therefore safe for me to be around since I'm terrified of sex). He was intimate with me in ways I could never be with another guy. Just love at its purest. T pointed out that I'd never had that before or since (thus my "stuckness").
I dunno.
I could also speak about my abusive boyfriend - I've never dated since (1996). I don't see the point in dating when a. the men i have been around are cruel. b. men want sex and i don't. and c. i have so much baggage that I don't see the point in trying to be in relationship until i heal myself more.
Thoughts?

I agree, its too early to date. How about talking about the issue that you are having right now? That you are stuck on sharing anything in group, that it is scaring the heck out of you? Does it have to be from the past? Can it be from the present?

well... i have thought of a few things... T wanted me to talk about how i felt safely intimate with him (because he was gay and thus safe) and how i haven't had that before or since (duh, T). I guess and how that was so important to have or something.
I thought about talking about my eating issues because it's making me sick.... and another thing i realized is that I think i am sort of doing what my friend did before he died. He gained a lot of weight suddenly, started binging on anything nearby and drinking... and then he was gone. i know often couples who are REALLY close to each other will often die one after the other, and often in the same manner. And even tho it has been 9 years, I still lose time on it and still haven't chosen life, even while I'm not actively sui.
But...... i had a small realization today... while another person was talking about her abuse history... (we were doing sort of reinactment and then stepping in to alter it)... the T (who i think is a really good trauma t) asked her who would have stepped in to stop it, if they had known. and then where is the small part of her (heart, soul, essence) that has never been and cannot be touched - where is it and how big is it and how can she nuture it.
My realizations were on several levels.
one was that no one would have interviened on my behalf. We had the same situation in age, altered by a substance, and nearly in details with more than one kid involved and more than one perp. SHe said her dad would have stopped it if he'd been there. I don't know that mine would have - and would it have mattered if he did? He was the reason i was dissociated and got into that situation in the first place. He was my 3rd perp and for many years. mom and his mom were perps 1 and 2. So there was really no one to step in and stop it - ever. it was only ever lip service: "I'd kill any man that touches you"... "don't go to that house, i don't trust him" ... "you're so lucky, you've never been abused."
So, i was thinking about it - the only "one" to step in, to intervien, was my own brain. thus, complex ptsd that resulted in DID with many alters to take over during various abuses. Yay brain. THere was no one else so the mind did the work, starting at 3.
And one one hand, many alts think that there IS NO small part that hasn't been hurt. That those parts were killed off. Yet... with the Belleruth Naperstak tapes, we do follow the guided imagery down into the hidden part of the heart where there is still some light and good.
So...... then today there was a lot of pain... a lot of clarity... and the realization that NOTHING helps. Not drinking, not cutting, not even sui. None of it changes it. It was laid out bare and stark and sharp in every detail (this last r*** that was very similar to the gal's at the same age). But nothing to do with it to get it OUT. That is where I am at right now. How do i get it OUT and GONE?
No T was available to call, i knew, I couldn't use my own phone. I tried a different phone to call RAINN to just talk to someone to get it out. To be witnessed to be heard.
But RAINN transferred me to my local crisis line who didn't know what to do with me, and gave me some other number to call... and i didn't care anymore after that.
So i have been restless. I wanted to talk to someone here on the computer - and the computer froze up and wouldn't let me connect for 4 hours.
@_@
It has been a trying day and I don't like going into the weekend like this. I didn't even bother to medicate - why should i?!? there everything is; stark naked in the daylight and nothing will make it better. I didn't even have fear - just.... just.... i don't even have WORDS.
I don't know where to go from here. I'm empty and lost and confused yet full of this... anger? rage? this poison? that i can't dump anywhere. that no one IRL wants to hear or put up with or witness - yet they want me "better".
I..... why are there no words for this?

((((Kiya))))
I think there ARE words for it, some of it anyway, and you are doing a great job of putting your thoughts and feelings into words right here. I certainly understand what you are going through, and I wish there was a T or somebody you could call to talk to this weekend.

But you know there is always someone here at PC, and we understand, and we care. You are doing such hard work, Kiya. And you're getting through it. Just keep breathing.

This is such a wonderful, wonderful insight.

I relate to feeling at a loss for what to do with all this emotion. I am at that point in my healing, too. I am beginning to thaw out and feel strongly about the past, but I don't know what to do with it. No expression feels sufficient.

....and again, back to group tomorra....
i confess myself overwhelmed and tired...
and.... scared still i guess.. nervous of these last 2 weeks (already!?); about getting thru the next phase...
about ending...
about not having group....

sooooooooo many things, eh?

Good post on 5/22 Kiya.

Was kinda weird on Friday - We got into pairs to discuss (more) of our twisted up beliefs and thinking. So I looked at "phobia of anger". My rationale is that anger = violence. "why?" because I've been hit too many times, nearly strangled, grabbed and pinned to a wall and then back handed in the face when i started throwing punches, slapped, spanked waaaaay too hard as a kid where hand prints were left for hours.... need i continue.... no. The T was standing there while my partner (who sees her for individual) was asking me the questions. At each answer, he just turned and looked at her - flabbergasted. @_@ She said things like "that's terrible, kiya". So much for "normalizing one's experience". They asked me things like "haven't you ever felt safe (uhhhh); what would happen if your feelings were hurt? (i'd ignore it and walk away)"; the T asked me "what if I said to you 'Kiya, what you said hurt my feelings', what would you say?" I turned beat red and said 'I'd be devastated!!! Why would I say something like that?' Again they just both stared at each other. *shrug*
But T left and my partner kept talking... he asked me how my heart felt - huh?!? I told him i have a disconnect from my emotions and my head. He then asked me what my favorite food was. I said Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream. He had me think about how my heart feels when i eat that (i tried to get out of this uncomfortable-ness by saying that I relate first intellectually, then physically - but not emotionally; He is just the opposite. But he persisted and got me to sort of understand the *feeling* of how i feel when I eat that.
Well, this weekend I got to experience this new (dare I say concept?)... feeling. I was out of town, on a back bay on the coast; there were blue herons out there hunting for food, birds chirping all around, a bit of a sun break, and the wafting smell of marsh, the ocean air, newly mowed grass, alfalfa grass and sweet grass. My heart felt happy =) like eating my favorite ice cream.

(((kiya))) thank you for sharing your beautiful happy feeling experience!

OMG, Kiya! I have never heard you sound more peaceful and present. I got chills. I re-read through some posts I never had the chance to read and you are getting so much clarity and deep insights. I have so much hope for you, Kiya. It feels to me like a HUGE breakthroughs. HUGE. I am so gald you did this program.

I just want to add- sweet Kiya never deserved any of that violent treatment. I am so sad that you had to go through that in your life. That sweet and good part of you that no violence or evil can touch shines today and will always be with you. It always has been

Good work Kiya!

so can i say i am having a hard time right now? i am. i REALLY am struggling.

and another part of my brain just said "mountains? or molehills?" so i dunno. maybe i'll chase my tail for a while, see if i curl up in a sleepy ball. :P

Group is ending Friday and I am sad about that. really... discombobulated. I had a long talk with my mentor tonight who helped me see why this is so psetting to me and what are some proactive steps I might take to get the run back under me (like ask the Group T to treat me for a while instead of my current T - YIPES!). I think it is a good idea - just not sure i can do it and OMG that is a really sharp pain in my side right now.... #*(%&(^! OW
OOOOWWWW