my T just called me back. She said she forgot her phone out in the car last night and just got my message.

She asked me what was going on last night and how I got through it, and I told her.

Then the bad part of the conversation. She said she's been in contact with the agency who pays her (I'm on state medical) and having an ongoing discussion with them about paying for my 90 min sessions. And that they finally approved that. I asked if they gave a time limit on how long they will pay her, and she said "no, but I don't see us doing this work for longer than 3 months". queue zooey's abandonment and rejection triggers, going off like crazy.

I said "that surprises me, because we've never even talked about the CSA." and she said something about whether we've talked about it or not doesn't matter as much as me being able to feel the emotions about it. And I said "so, it doesn't MATTER if we talk about it??"

she said no, it does matter, and we will talk about it, but the most important piece is you being able to feel the emotions and not running away from it.

so I told her "It freaks me out, to think that you are going to drop me in 3 months" and I was crying when I said it

She reminded me that the agency who ultimately pays her has said I can continue to see her as long as it's medically necessary, and she will do that. She said "I didn't carry you this far to drop you now." and "I'm going to walk through this trauma work with you. All the way. As much trauma as you have, I will be there with you until we're done".

I told her that it's just my abandonment triggers going off, and she said, yeah, I get that. So it was ok in the end, but OMG. My stomach and heart and head all went crazy there for a minute when I thought she was saying she's going to be done with me in 3 months.