session backlash

it's hitting me hard, now. Thinking about things I said yesterday to my T, and each memory goes through me like a jolt of electricity. Floods of emotions and physical sensations that are so big...I'm trying to tell myself they are huge but I am bigger. But I don't feel like I can contain this, or stay on top of it. It's going to engulf me and I'll be here, lost in it, alone.

here with you, Z...

(((((Zoo)))))

I'm so sorry you are having all these big feelings. But you are bigger than them! You will survive. You have survived so much already. Please take gentle care of yourself. Can you do something relaxing like drink hot coco or take a walk or take a hot bath? You have learned so many skills in getting to this point. You can survive this too.

I do have skills, and I'm using them. I don't know how much it's helping, but:

I tried to eat something, just so everything wouldn't be complicated by an empty stomach. I took the dog outside but could only stay out there for a couple of minutes before I had to come back inside. I tried to watch a TV show but couldn't pay attention. I tried to knit but my head started hurting. A hot bath is a good idea, googley, thank you.

I'm trying to picture myself up on a cliffside overlooking the beach, and the waves coming in and going out are my emotions. I'm up here and they are down there. I can't stop them or hold onto them but they won't engulf me. I hope. I don't actually believe that but my T says it's true, so.....

(((((((((((( zoo )))))))))))))) big big hugs!!! man... those emotions are tough. Just use your trust in T to help you believe what you can't yet believe.

(((((( zoo ))))))

You are doing all the best things to help you through this part. You are letting the waves crash, enduring it, without running from it or pushing it away...You are finding ways to keep busy as it's happening so that you are not totally consumed by them....Such hard, hard work....

We are here. (( HUGS ))

Oh (((((((((((((((zooey))))))))))))))

It is SUCH hard work to get through so many big feelings. I know it feels like they will engulf you and that you'll feel like this forever, but you will survive them, and they WILL change. Just like a clown fish can survive the current moving around her.

It's scary to tell....and the period between telling and seeing T the next time after telling a big thing feels SO hard to me. I need to see him, and feel his energy, to really believe that everything is okay. Sometimes calling helps. Would calling T help you?

Something T and I worked on was "floating". Sometimes I would swim so frantically that I'd start to drown. I was so scared of my feelings that I would exhaust myself and make everything harder by moving from one thing to the next to the next to the next. Sometimes if I could just let myself slow down a little bit, I would feel a little bit calmer inside. I would focus on the fact that I am HERE, and it is NOW. I would ground myself in the present by focusing on the sounds and the textures around me. I would try to slow down my breathing and focus on my breath.

Know that you are loved and that you absolutely will make it through this. Breathe

(((((treehouse)))))
I'm going to go sit outside on my balcony for a little bit and see what I can notice, what I can see and hear and feel while i'm out there.

I had such a great talk w/my T last night when I called her, I'm kind of afraid to call again because I want to hold onto the good feeling I have and sometimes it's not so good. You know? Sometimes she's not there or she's busy while talking to me or I can't say what I'm trying to say and it doesn't always feel as good and healing as it did last night.

But yes. I want to call her. I want to make sure she doesn't think I'm gross or disgusting for what I told her. I want to ask her if I really told her that. Somebody tell me, is that crazy? To ask her if I really told her that? Because I know I did, and yet I can't believe I did.

ok, going to go just BE for a little bit...

hi zoo, hope you're hanging in there ok. it sounds like we're going through a lot of the same things right now. maybe if we could just get through the next day or so, things will start to pick up!

anyway, maybe the feelings and sensations that are going through you right now are a good thing.. can you just let yourself feel them? sometimes if you just let yourself feel those "jolts of electricity" as you described (instead of fighting them or suppressing them) they will pass more quickly.

it sounds like the session was really powerful, and thinking back on it now, the intensity is just too much to bear. (sometimes i say that looking at my therapist is like staring at the sun.. it's beautiful and life-giving, but it's just so bright and too darn hot!) but maybe it would help you to think that that intense energy that you're feeling from your therapist is reserved just for you! hang in there..

(((((Zoo)))))
More hugs for you. You are doing such a good job at with such hard work to do. Good job at using your skills. You can do this. I'm rooting for you.



No it isn't weird to want confirmation about what has happened. This stuff is so hard and so scary. Talking about it seems unreal since the events themselves seem unreal. Your T doesn't think you are disgusting. You are a wonderful person.

thank you so much, all of you

I called my T, and left her a message. I don't know if she'll get it tonight or not. I know I should have called earlier but I spent too much time thinking about it. I need to talk to her, I need her to tell me I'm ok.

I can't wait until someday I can tell myself I'm okay.

Quote:

I can't wait until someday I can tell myself I'm okay.

Yeah, me too!

my T just called me back. She said she forgot her phone out in the car last night and just got my message.

She asked me what was going on last night and how I got through it, and I told her.

Then the bad part of the conversation. She said she's been in contact with the agency who pays her (I'm on state medical) and having an ongoing discussion with them about paying for my 90 min sessions. And that they finally approved that. I asked if they gave a time limit on how long they will pay her, and she said "no, but I don't see us doing this work for longer than 3 months". queue zooey's abandonment and rejection triggers, going off like crazy.

I said "that surprises me, because we've never even talked about the CSA." and she said something about whether we've talked about it or not doesn't matter as much as me being able to feel the emotions about it. And I said "so, it doesn't MATTER if we talk about it??"

she said no, it does matter, and we will talk about it, but the most important piece is you being able to feel the emotions and not running away from it.

so I told her "It freaks me out, to think that you are going to drop me in 3 months" and I was crying when I said it

She reminded me that the agency who ultimately pays her has said I can continue to see her as long as it's medically necessary, and she will do that. She said "I didn't carry you this far to drop you now." and "I'm going to walk through this trauma work with you. All the way. As much trauma as you have, I will be there with you until we're done".

I told her that it's just my abandonment triggers going off, and she said, yeah, I get that. So it was ok in the end, but OMG. My stomach and heart and head all went crazy there for a minute when I thought she was saying she's going to be done with me in 3 months.

oh zooropa, i can only imagine

wow good work zoo getting through the night

UGH! What an awful situation to have addressed when you were feeling so raw after your last session!! But you handled it. Such resiliency!!

of course when I was talking to her and my abandonment triggers were taking over my entire mind, I forgot to ask her what I wanted to ask when I originally called last night.

Also, T told me to look into a trauma support group she heard about. That seems like a recipe for disaster, honestly. A bunch of women getting together to talk about their trauma? TRIGGER, much??

aaah! zoo, i'm glad you're hanging in there. that conversation would have freaked me out too. i'm not sure that i would have been able to get through the "bad" part of the conversation, long enough to hear the good. good for you for being able to do that. and remember that she's willing to work with you as long as it's necessary, so it's like a win-win situation: you either a) get the therapy with her or b) are done and all fixed up!

hope you're doing ok.. i know we're both on post therapy - day two!

there was definitely a time when I wouldn't have been able to ask her to clarify what she said about talking about it not being important, and the 3 month thing. I would be freaking the hell out right now. I guess that's one way I've grown and changed: I know what will set me off into a spirally mess and I'm sometimes able to circumvent that by asking for more information.

78, go us!! It feels like waaaayyy more than 2 days, doesn't it??

((((((Zoo))))

I'm glad you got to finally talk with T, but I'm sorry it was such a hard conversation. You did great telling her your fears and getting support for them.

I had a meeting w/my case manager today that didn't go very far in alleviating my feeling of being pushed too far too fast in therapy.

Called my T back at noon, after that meeting, left her a message I'm freaking out, I can't deal with this abandonment $hit coming up now on top of dealing with everything that's coming up since our last session, and I don't know what I need from her right now but I need something, and to please call me back.

Still waiting for that, and meanwhile I had a 45 min visit with my 2 youngest children which was great and heart-wrenching at the same time. Dropping them off when they obviously didn't want to go, and I didn't want to leave them, was just another emotional bomb going off in my gut.

It's all too much, all at once, just too much. Spent the entire drive home (30 mins) thinking of how and where to cut. And then talking myself out of that. I can't find something in me that is okay right now to hold on to. Everything hurts and is a mess and I'm so tired and sad and....broken.

(((((((((Zooropa))))))))))
I wish I had more to offer. But here are some hugs if they will help:

Don't give up, ok?

((((((((Zoo))))))

uggghhh.....my T still hasn't called me back. Do I call her again? UGH. Can't be in this place, can't.

edit: Nevermind. I called her. It sucked. I'm done.

Oh zoo.....

I'm so sorry everything is hitting you at once. Please keep posting. We are here....