Heya sorry, I haven't been commenting as much over the last few days, I've been sick for a week and now I have the worst cough that's driving me absolutely bonkers.
I am doing okay though, I am going to talk to my therapist about BDD when I see her soon and see if I will get an official diagnosis.

I am going to make a doctors appointment to increase my skin medication as well because it hasn't been working. I pick at my face, my hands are constantly on my face checking for things.

I don't know if I use my flaws to protect myself, I was never abused sexually (although someone on here told me a few weeks ago that technically I was by being exposed to my mother having sex quite a few times), I think it might be that attention was always drawn to the way I look. I grew up physically a lot earlier than everyone else, I mean I started when I was maybe 10 or 11. So I got a lot of male attention, and a lot of it was from men 20-30 years older than me. I mean grown men trying to pick me up in the street when I was 12 years old.
I was thin, I was tall, I had bad hair from not knowing how to care for it being curly, etc.
I do have some features people seem to comment on a lot still, the main being the colour of my eyes, my hair, and the fact I apparently resemble Kate Winslet. You have no idea how many people have told me I look like her. I don't see it, but hey, do you think I'm going to argue about that?

I think my obsessing (or part of it) comes from not being good enough, trying to create a reason for people to like me, if it's not for who I am as a person then make it for what I look like, trying to live up to an expectation I subconsciously think I have because of all the past comments, and, because I just want to be attractive. I want to like what I see and I don't.
Perhaps some of that stems from the fact I have received both positive and negative comments, I've have been told I'm good looking, I've never been told I'm ugly. But you know what, that literally means nothing to me. Because people have picked at features, I'm too thin, I'm too fat, my hair is too frizzy, whatever. So I feel the need to fix these things. If someone makes a not very nice comment about any feature, it will absolutely gut me.
My hair was always picked on, so now I fuss about it. I put a lot of conditioners and treatments in it to make it nicer, less frizzy, healthier, etc.. Has it worked? I wouldn't have clue. But I'm not happy with it because I want it longer and now it's going to take years.
A lot of people say my eyes are a really interesting colour, that they almost look like a rainbow, or that they look green. But when I look at them, they don't look green to me. They don't look interesting. I know that green is the rarest eye colour, so I want my eyes greener. Even though people have stopped mid conversation because they just have to bring up the fact they are an interesting colour, I don't see it at all, I don't know what the fuss is about.
Yes I do have wrinkles, I have my mothers skin, I hate it. I hate my pores, they are too big. my forehead I hate especially, that's where the wrinkles really are.

I'll write more tomorrow, but it's nearly 7am so I need to sleep. Sorry if I've repeated myself I'm sooo tired, and I have such a bad memory as it is...