I hate the way I look

I told my mamma today when she came to bring me some food while I'm sick. I felt really uncomfortable and embarrassed, I asked her before I told her not to comment about it and she said okay. I explained about my grandfather (she already knew about that anyway) so at least I have someone on my side with that. I'm glad I've got it out of the way...

Evening....
I know that these pics have nothing to do with the way you feel about yourself, but I thought maybe if I toss in a few before/after shots of some famous faces, it "might" help to make you feel a little better?
(Although, I think both Angelina and Beyonce look great without makeup).



Shangrala



Angelina Jolie


Avril Lavigne


Beyonce


Britney Spears


Kiera Knightly


Loreal Penelope Cruz


Pamela Anderson


Reese Witherspoon

Thanks Shangrala for sharing those photos. I would like to discuss further what the beauty and entertainment industry does to photos. Dove.ca also shows what happens after hours of hair and makeup - photo imaging. Photo imaging or altering is endless - it can add hair, make eyes wider/bigger, neck longer, erase pimples/ shadows/ wrinkles - the possibilities are endless. They can also alter bodies as well - narrow the hips, slim the waist, erase scars, tan the skin. The point I'm trying to make is - these models and actresses don't even look this way in real life. This is especially harmful to young women, who don't realize this is happening and compare themselves to these perfect images - this results is terrible self esteem problems.

That's about how much editing I do to my photos! haha
Then I feel pretty dodgy when I have to admit I don't look like that and they've been touched up to make me look better.

I am going to talk to my therapist when I see her next (whenever that is), ever since Lynn mentioned BDD I've been thinking about it and I've realised the extent that I obsess about myself, I think I've grown used to it over the time since it began.
I first started obsessing about my weight when I was 11 or 12 (around the same time that I started getting depressed and having nightmares that are a part of my PTSD), I used to look in the mirrors at school at recess and lunch to see how thin I was. I remember even crying a few times, and one night I was at my grandparents house my aunty was trying to tell me, either that I wasn't ugly or I wasn't fat, I can't remember exactly.
I have joint and back problems so I used to walk a little funny, I got a few comments and jokes about it so about 10 years ago I started standing a certain way and walking a certain way (I'm a bit pigeon toed) to disguise it so people wouldn't comment so much. When I am crossing the street at the traffic lights I am always thinking that people in their cars are looking at me and the way I am walking.
I pick at my face because of my acne, I started medication but it isn't working so I'm stressing about that. Every time I see someone with nice skin it gets me really down. I stand in front of the mirror and look at how bad my skin is, look for wrinkles, every flaw I can find.
I hate my ears so much that (and this is going to sound REALLY ridiculous) I have a few times tried (and succeeded) in gluing my ears to my head so they didn't stick out. Yes you can laugh at that!
I look at my reflection every time I walk past a window or mirror to see what I look like, if my hair's a mess, if I need to suck my stomach in more, etc.
If I'm around someone who is better looking than me I feel even more ugly and my confidence goes down, I look at them to see what makes them so good looking, their clothes, hair, the way they do their make-up, so I can come up with ways to make myself better looking.

I could go on and on, I even bought some anti-wrinkle stuff a few hours ago and covered my face in it, spend about 20 minutes rubbing it into my face and then tried to see if there was any difference. I get huge relief/satisfaction from it.
But I drive myself nuts about it sometimes, to the point I feel like I would be better off dead than looking like this. I can't spend too long getting ready or looking at myself before I go out or I end up getting worked up into tears or just huge frustration.
The thing is though that I don't scrutinize others for the way they look, only myself.

I must sound like such a baby talking about all this. I couldn't talk about it all to a friend or relative.

Evening, I have been following this thread. I think its important that you are saying these things here. Actually, I want to congratulate you and let you know how strong I think you are. Even if you do not agree. You have begun to take the steps to get help. Talking about it, as you have been doing is crucial to the process.

As many have said, I have no doubt that this is about something much deeper than what you think you look like. Its about deep wounds. Wounds that were inflicted upon you. "I am mommy - of - the- heart" to a lot of teenagers. All of whom have been extremely abused. Some are literally gorgeous. But there is nothing I can say that can convince them that they are not ugly. Truthfully, I no longer even try. Because its about the deeper work to change the voice. To change the way they percieve themselves. As they do that, they not only can claim their inner and exterior beauty, they also take back their power. I believe you have begun this process. Its not quick. But along the way, incrementally, you get to take back your power. You are doing a wonderful job talking about this. I am impressed with your strength and determination. Huge blessings for your brave self !!!

Someone sent me this link from imgfav. I hope it pastes here

Evening,

Thank you for posting this, I am new here and experience much of what you have described. I do suffer from BDD which happened right around I had my first child, so when I was 20 (I'm now 31). I have been steadily gaining more and more weight because of my host of health issues, but there is hope. I suffer from acne, I'm overweight, I have a TON of stretch marks, and I have taken to tattooing myself to feel better. I have been put on a diet by my regular doctor which has removed a ton of junk and I have to make a superior effort to stick to it, but so far it works, I take it hour by hour, not day by day. I also realized that while I thought I just really liked food, I'm actually addicted to it. I have the addictive personality. Anyway, I just wanted you to know you're not alone, YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL GIRL! I know that might sound strange coming from a stranger, but based on the posts I've read of yours, your spirit shines through and conveys your inner beauty that is sure to shine.

I struggle with this as well. Its hard. I gave up smoking and did not go back. But with the food issue, its different. I have been quite overweight and then I have become a starver eating no more than 400 calories for very extended periods of time. Becoming painfully thin. But the feeling of starving to stay that way was quite painful indeed. Right now because of health reasons I am supposedly a normal size. But I surely do not feel it. I mentioned BDD to my therapist who wanted to know what it meant. I gp up and down in weight. No one ever accused me of being pretty or beautiful. Thats just not the way it is for me. But I have accepted it. Because of the starving and extreme stress of anxiety my hair started falling out 25 years ago and never stopped. So there is little "crowning glory" as well. A dentist pulled out perfectly good adult teeth when I was a child. So I have big gaps in my mouth. And I have the bite size of a child because they tried to move the teeth to cover up the mistake. All in all, this is not a very attractive body to say the least. Nor has it ever been attractive. But I realize that people do not look away when I pass by. So things could be much worse. Beauty is really what we hold in our heart. And that is not always easy to find in oneself when there has been great hurt

I think that what the others have told you is so perfectly true, and yet I do know that feeling ugly even though it feels safe, also feels heartbreaking when you have friends who you think are perfect looking. But honestly, they only seem perfect looking because they are not you, not because they don't look like you

To everyone who feels they are ugly (I've lived with this problem most of my life), I've learned that if you have been abused as a child, you will see ugliness where there is none. And that is to self protect; "If I am ugly no one will want me so I feel safe". I used this same protection to combat child sexual abuse. I fanatically insisted that I was ugly every time someone dared mention my looks.

I have spiral curl red hair which I keep extra long because I look like Side Show Bob if I cut it short; green eyes that look out like a lunatic cat, and white skin that can't get a tan up at all. The very things I hate, others tell me are beautiful. But we fight between wanting to be beautiful and not expecting it, and if we see ourselves as ugly then being abused sexually is not our fault.

I was told as a 3 year old, that if I wasn't so pretty, the 3 men who sexually abused me wouldn't have paid me any attention. I remembered this so clearly, I remembered everything that happened so very clearly.

I'm told that I don't have any wrinkles at all, but that doesn't make me think that I'm less ugly, and I DO think I have wrinkles everywhere.

Organic Rosehip Oil works well on getting rid of wrinkles. It works by rehydrating the skin and underlying tissues, and if you are patient with the process you will start to see results within 4 weeks, and after 12 months your skin will look fabulous. I have to admit now that I do see results. The winter months take a lot of moisture out of the skin and it is the year upon year of winters that ages the skin. At your age you should not be affected by this at all, but if you feel you areaffected, being proactive about handling it will go a long way to making you feel better about it.

You can work your way through this and come out the other end intact and in control. Wishing you all the very best,

Rhi

How are you doing, Evening?

Rhiannsmoon, thank you for helping me to understand something I forgot. That sometimes girls want to feel ugly for the exact reasons you described. They hate their beauty, for the exact reasons you deseribed. I wanted to answer what you wrote much sooner, but words escaped me. I wish for each of us that we can reclaim our truth / our power that was taken from us when we were made to think that we somehow were responsible for what was done to us. ( "us" for whomever that fits ) Our looks, our actions, our inactions etc were NOT what was ever the cause of being abused. I always hesitate using the "us" word. Because its making an assumption. So please forgive me for using it. Evening, and all others who have posted here. Huge enormous safe hugs and blessings for all who would like that.

Heya sorry, I haven't been commenting as much over the last few days, I've been sick for a week and now I have the worst cough that's driving me absolutely bonkers.
I am doing okay though, I am going to talk to my therapist about BDD when I see her soon and see if I will get an official diagnosis.

I am going to make a doctors appointment to increase my skin medication as well because it hasn't been working. I pick at my face, my hands are constantly on my face checking for things.

I don't know if I use my flaws to protect myself, I was never abused sexually (although someone on here told me a few weeks ago that technically I was by being exposed to my mother having sex quite a few times), I think it might be that attention was always drawn to the way I look. I grew up physically a lot earlier than everyone else, I mean I started when I was maybe 10 or 11. So I got a lot of male attention, and a lot of it was from men 20-30 years older than me. I mean grown men trying to pick me up in the street when I was 12 years old.
I was thin, I was tall, I had bad hair from not knowing how to care for it being curly, etc.
I do have some features people seem to comment on a lot still, the main being the colour of my eyes, my hair, and the fact I apparently resemble Kate Winslet. You have no idea how many people have told me I look like her. I don't see it, but hey, do you think I'm going to argue about that?

I think my obsessing (or part of it) comes from not being good enough, trying to create a reason for people to like me, if it's not for who I am as a person then make it for what I look like, trying to live up to an expectation I subconsciously think I have because of all the past comments, and, because I just want to be attractive. I want to like what I see and I don't.
Perhaps some of that stems from the fact I have received both positive and negative comments, I've have been told I'm good looking, I've never been told I'm ugly. But you know what, that literally means nothing to me. Because people have picked at features, I'm too thin, I'm too fat, my hair is too frizzy, whatever. So I feel the need to fix these things. If someone makes a not very nice comment about any feature, it will absolutely gut me.
My hair was always picked on, so now I fuss about it. I put a lot of conditioners and treatments in it to make it nicer, less frizzy, healthier, etc.. Has it worked? I wouldn't have clue. But I'm not happy with it because I want it longer and now it's going to take years.
A lot of people say my eyes are a really interesting colour, that they almost look like a rainbow, or that they look green. But when I look at them, they don't look green to me. They don't look interesting. I know that green is the rarest eye colour, so I want my eyes greener. Even though people have stopped mid conversation because they just have to bring up the fact they are an interesting colour, I don't see it at all, I don't know what the fuss is about.
Yes I do have wrinkles, I have my mothers skin, I hate it. I hate my pores, they are too big. my forehead I hate especially, that's where the wrinkles really are.

I'll write more tomorrow, but it's nearly 7am so I need to sleep. Sorry if I've repeated myself I'm sooo tired, and I have such a bad memory as it is...

I'm not doing so well today, I have to talk about it.
I nearly got myself looking at pictures of people on Facebook again, I had to get out of there before I did. I made the mistake of using natural light to get ready in front of the mirror today. My advice- if you have issues with the way you look don't use sunlight as lighting because it emphasises EVERY flaw you have. I used to go outside with a mirror to pluck my eyebrows because you can see better, but then I always end up spending half an hour picking at my face and getting worked up.
I can see every pore on my face, I found more wrinkles today that I've never noticed before so now I want a face lift to get rid of them. And I have really big pores, I don't know how to get rid of them, but I hate them.
I bought some more stuff for my face, I'm now taking medication, using Olay Regenerist, face scrub, and benzoyl peroxide to try and fix my skin. And I don't think it's working. I feel like I look worse. My acne isn't getting worse, although as of yet I don't know if it's getting any better, but I'm noticing the bags under my eyes, my wrinkles (especially on my forehead, I was contemplating a brow lift last nigh as well... ).
Last night I did my hair up and realised it actually looked nice. Only one problem. My ears stick out so much that there is no way in hell that I'd go out in public with my hair like that. So now I'm desperate to have them pinned back. I've got to get it done, I need to find a way to pay for it. My ears and my teeth are the 2 things I want done the most. While I was researching it I found that ear pinning costs between $1,000-$3,000, it's not too bad of a price. I went to the doctor about it once before (the doctor that made me fat), and I was on the waiting list to have it checked out. But I had been on the waiting list for SO long, I mean I think it may have been about a year that I was waiting, so I just didn't bother. But now I am desperate again.
And I took some photos of myself to remember how I'd done my hair up in case there is ever a time that I CAN go out with my hair up. But while these photos weren't as bad as they can be, I did notice a slight bump in my nose. I already hate my nose as it is. In fact I hate my face from the side altogether. I try and avoid taking side angle photos because my face looks flat, the bridge of my nose is too long, and you can really see the bags under my eyes. Well now I've noticed this bump too.
I also had a dream last night about it as well, I dreamt that my mother was sitting with me at the kitchen table and then she said to me 'your aunty says you've always looked like boy', in this tone like she had needed to confess it to me. It was really upsetting to me even though it was a dream, because I do think I look like a boy sometimes and it makes me feel even more ugly.

I feel like I'm driving myself bonkers. I must sound like such a sook. This is the reason I don't usually talk about it with people, they're going to do the whole 'it's not true, it's not true' crap, they're going to think I'm just saying it for attention, when in reality I feel the complete opposite. I know people are lying, I don't know how they cannot see the things I see. I know they don't sit and pick at my appearance with a magnifying glass the way I do, but my flaws are so blatantly obvious. I am genuinely becoming apprehensive to see friends now because of how I look.

Anyway, I just needed to vent.

((((((((((((((((Evening)))))))))))))))))))

Dearest Evening. I read and heard every word you wrote. I also would like to give you a hug. ((((((((( evening )))))))))) If there was a flower here to give to you, I would give it.

Evening, if you could look the way you want to, how do you think your life would change?

I think it would change a lot. Maybe not change my LIFE so much, but my confidence to have a life. It would get rid of a lot of the things that constantly bug me, it would make me less insecure. I am embarrassed to smile, I used to laugh a lot when I was younger, but when I realised how bad my teeth were I went through this phase for a long time where I would cover my mouth all the time when I laughed or smiled. I tried to find a way to smile where I could disguise what my teeth really looked like. It also makes me a lot quieter around most people so I don't draw attention. I lost a lot of personality because of my teeth and if only I could fix them I could gain so much back.
Then there is my ears, I am so insecure about them that I always cover them, I always wear headbands when it's up, I hold my hair down when it's windy so people don't see. They're such a hassle to disguise. I did my hair up the other night (without a headband ), and took some photos to remember how my hair looked if I ever have a chance to wear it like that. I was having a not so bad time because my photos didn't turn out too bad (but then a crap load of make up and strategic head angles can disguise a lot). I put one photo on my profile because I think I look okay in it, and that's rare that I'll ever think that. But seeing a lot of flaws hidden gives me such a boost of confidence of what I COULD look like.

That's just 2 examples anyway to point out that it would take so much off my mind, give me more confidence and less to stress out over. I wouldn't be constantly hiding and checking and picking, I'd be able to relax about it a little.
Another thing I've come to realise is that a lot of my flaws, I get from my father. My ears, the bags under my eyes, I look like him when those features are accentuated (hence my last post when I said I sometimes look like a boy). My father is not the most attractive person on the planet, which in turn makes me feel less attractive. And when I met him for the first time his girlfriend (my brothers mother) pointed out that I have a 'pancake face'. That REALLY hit a nerve because I am so insecure about the shape of my face.

And one more thing, the fact I bit my nails. I have tried growing them so many times and almost succeeded this time, but I've recently started biting them a bit and I'm struggling to stop. That makes me feel like a failure.

Do you really think so? There are a lot of people like your father. They get jobs, get married and have children. They are valuable people. If you are going to keep on obsessing about how you look, it is going to be a lot of long days.

I wish you the best.

My point with saying my father is not good looking is not that I care about what other people look like, I just don't like my father. He's been very cruel to me in the past. My father is not married with children and with a job, he is a dug dealing alcoholic who didn't even know which person I was talking about when I told him my mothers name because he's slept with so many women, and questioned if I was even his daughter when he asked if I had ever had sex a few hours after meeting him, because no child of his doesn't like sex.
I don't want to see his pathetic face when I look in the mirror.
And when you've been judging yourself like that for so long and told nobody it's very hard to get out of that state of mind. I don't want to look in the mirror and cry. I want to be good enough, but I am not. Do I think looks are important? No. Do I think MY looks are important? Yes. Can I see the irony in that? Yes. But seeing as I've spent more money on products to make me look better than I have on food this week, I have a problem. It's already been 10 years of long days.

Well, then... how about the other way around? If you were willing to look however you do, how do you think your life might change then?

What do you mean? If I was happy with the way I looked do I think the things I hope for (confidence, etc.) would change? Yes I do think that, because I wouldn't be so insecure and constantly picking at my face and checking my reflection and crying when I see all my flaws, blah blah blah. I wouldn't be stressing and fussing, I'd have peace of mind with myself, at least my appearance.
I was at my job program today and he said that there is somewhere that does free major dental work for people who cant afford it and it's causing issues. He said one of his clients went there and they literally fixed his whole mouth. But I may not even be eligible. So now I have to wait 2 weeks until I see him again and he has information. Just knowing there is a chance, even if it is only small, that I could get them fixed up, I can't tell you how it makes me feel, or how it WOULD make me feel if I WAS eligible.
So I know these things would do so much for me. They would change a lot.

Many, many 's to you Evening~

The thought just occurred to me....have you ever considered hypnosis of any kind?
My teeth are horrible, too. Since I neglected my health so badly from my teens throughout my early 20's, (suffered from some major malnutrition), the long term effects took a toll on my teeth, (that and the fact that my parents never forced us to care for them even before that).
Bad teeth run in the family. As I've said in previous post...parents had theirs pulled in their late 20's...so I really don't have that much working in my favor.
I am seriously cavity-prone. No matter how well I care for my teeth, (and I pay strict attention to those I do have remaining. I have 15.5 teeth left..lol.), I'm doomed to have cavities.
I've lost ALL of my molars..no chewing capacity whatsoever...(why my face looks so drawn thin..that, and I'm underweight by 20 lbs).
I so want a pretty smile, as well. But my options are so limited. Either have the rest pulled and get full dentures, or bridge what is missing, and fight the losing battle of getting cavities. Either way, I've got to get there and get it done, as I've 4 new cavities sprouting up...again.
I have a serious phobia of the dentist, which doesn't help me much.

My entire point of saying this is, it isn't hopeless. I do have options. And so do you. Nothing is so bleak that your only option is to hate living. Granted, life truly sucks sometimes and the hand we're dealt may be a losing one. But there is no rule in the game that states it's the ONLY hand. I know that you know this yet have this battle within yourself at full arms. It's a horrible thing to know better, yet feeling unable to change it.
Hypnosis may be an option?.."Anything" is an option other than accepting that that one hand you've been dealt is the only one.

You're still so young. And, believe it or not, some of us do bloom much later in life than others. You have been told how pretty you are all throughout this thread. And although you've responded to the praise with counter-productive responses, the fact IS that you ARE stunning, despite what YOU may think of yourself. It's a shame that you are so sure that you will remain that "ugly duckling" (as that is not a happy place for anyone to believe they're in, I know).
But know, too, that the ugly duckling DOES become quite splendid as it ages.
(It took me until my mid-30's to "really" bloom....).



Shangrala

Evening, I hope you find the peace and happiness you seek.

I have tired hypnosis in the past for other things but it never worked for me at all. My grandmother was hypnotised and it worked extremely well for her, but for me-nothing. And not cheap either.
I am still thinking about this dentist thing, I really want to be eligible. God only knows how bad my teeth are. My molars are constantly aching, my bottom teeth are unbelievably crooked, and my top teeth are worn down a lot by 12 years of me grinding them, I wake up with my jaw aching from clenching my teeth in my sleep.

I am having another bad time right now, my skin won't clear up, and I've been getting desperate. My face ended up red like I'd had an allergic reaction when I got out of the bath before from trying to clean my face.
And I spent too long in front of the mirror before and ended up cracking the s*** and hitting myself in the face. I know that sounds so bad. This is how bad it gets for me though. So no amount of compliments are going to even slightly waver what I see or how I feel. The pictures I have on my profile- I am wearing make up, they have been edited, and they are random shots that turned out okay. I don't look like that. You can't see my bad skin or my wrinkles or the bags under my eyes or how bad my teeth are.

Also, is there anywhere on PC for sufferers of BDD? I can't find anything. I did find a BDD forum, but I'd prefer to just stick to here if there is a specific forum.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bod...9/METHOD=print
http://www.healthyplace.com/eating-d.../menu-id-1383/