This is the first time I've joined an online support group / community. I joined because I'm at a loss for what to do next and I have no idea how I can go on like this. Please understand that I am NOT suicidal, not even remotely, this isn't the suicidal version of "I can't take it anymore".

I'm a perfectly normal 30-something woman with a great husband and child. I've got a good job, make decent money, had a good childhood with lots of family around. My parents never divorced, I was never abused, never suffered through the death of a loved one, never had a major illness,...but I am severely, horribly, PROFOUNDLY depressed and I am terrified of this thing that's taken over me.

In the past my depression had the usual symptoms, sadness, loss of interest, sleeping too much, etc....but I could always deal with it. It was always more of an inconvenience (albeit a MAJOR inconvenience) than anything else and I could manage...it just made life suck for awhile. But this is dramatically different.

About 4 months ago I started getting fatigued, not just sleepy but severely fatigued. I lost my appetite (which was new for me), stopped taking care of myself, my family, and the house, and things just went downhill from there. I haven't done laundry or the dishes in 4 months, I haven't cleaned the house or cooked, I don't shower if I don't have to go to work, don't brush my teeth..you name it. My husband has to do everything, I haven't bought groceries, school clothes, I don't go anywhere unless it's work.

At first I thought it was something physical (as opposed to mental, not saying mental problems don't have a physical basis). I considered thyroid problems, hormone problems, everything. I went to the doctor and they ran blood tests and even gave me an MRI. The only results are that I have practically zero iron and have extremely low levels of several vitamins. Their only solution was to prescribe me a multivitamin. Did my loss of appetite cause the vitamin deficiencies or vice versa? Who knows?

At this point things are rapidly declining. I cry constantly. And I don't mean just sitting and quietly sobbing or being a little weepy....I sob hysterically for hours on end. Hysterically! I hyperventilate, throw things, pull my hair, and this goes on for hours until I wear myself out and go to sleep. Just 2 days ago I exploded at my husband, I screamed, yelled, cursed at the top of my lungs, threw things at him (completely intending to hurt him), threw things around the house, pulled my hair out.....all over the fact that he hadn't done a load of laundry. He had to grab my shoulders and shake me out of it. Two weeks ago I repeatedly hit my head on our bookcase so I could make up an excuse to go to the doctor. I thought they would take me seriously if I had a large knot on my forehead. I ended up with 2 black eyes and just a bunch of vitamins. I literally, LITERALLY feel like my brain is not working. This isn't just feeling down because life sucks and I have no friends....this is disturbing. I sit and rock because there is too much pain in my head and I can't see anyway of fixing it.

My current psychiatrist sucks and my medicine doesn't work. I can call him and tell him what's going on but he's just not much help. I've made an appointment with a new doctor, but as usual it's going to be 3 weeks until the appointment. I'm just so frustrated....if I were having an asthma attack or suffered a broken bone I could simply go to the emergency room and get patched up. But what do you do when you're having an emotional crisis? I don't have close friends or family who can come over for help and/or support...it's just me and my husband. I feel like I want to take a baseball bat and smash everything in my house or pull out my hair in handfuls. I want to just smash my hand with a hammer so this mental pain will go away. This goes far, far, far beyond getting up and going for a walk or calling up someone and having a "chat" or reading a good book. I can't cope anymore, I'm afraid I'm going to wind up rocking in a corner and drooling if this doesn't go away.