I honestly can't handle it anymore.

This is the first time I've joined an online support group / community. I joined because I'm at a loss for what to do next and I have no idea how I can go on like this. Please understand that I am NOT suicidal, not even remotely, this isn't the suicidal version of "I can't take it anymore".

I'm a perfectly normal 30-something woman with a great husband and child. I've got a good job, make decent money, had a good childhood with lots of family around. My parents never divorced, I was never abused, never suffered through the death of a loved one, never had a major illness,...but I am severely, horribly, PROFOUNDLY depressed and I am terrified of this thing that's taken over me.

In the past my depression had the usual symptoms, sadness, loss of interest, sleeping too much, etc....but I could always deal with it. It was always more of an inconvenience (albeit a MAJOR inconvenience) than anything else and I could manage...it just made life suck for awhile. But this is dramatically different.

About 4 months ago I started getting fatigued, not just sleepy but severely fatigued. I lost my appetite (which was new for me), stopped taking care of myself, my family, and the house, and things just went downhill from there. I haven't done laundry or the dishes in 4 months, I haven't cleaned the house or cooked, I don't shower if I don't have to go to work, don't brush my teeth..you name it. My husband has to do everything, I haven't bought groceries, school clothes, I don't go anywhere unless it's work.

At first I thought it was something physical (as opposed to mental, not saying mental problems don't have a physical basis). I considered thyroid problems, hormone problems, everything. I went to the doctor and they ran blood tests and even gave me an MRI. The only results are that I have practically zero iron and have extremely low levels of several vitamins. Their only solution was to prescribe me a multivitamin. Did my loss of appetite cause the vitamin deficiencies or vice versa? Who knows?

At this point things are rapidly declining. I cry constantly. And I don't mean just sitting and quietly sobbing or being a little weepy....I sob hysterically for hours on end. Hysterically! I hyperventilate, throw things, pull my hair, and this goes on for hours until I wear myself out and go to sleep. Just 2 days ago I exploded at my husband, I screamed, yelled, cursed at the top of my lungs, threw things at him (completely intending to hurt him), threw things around the house, pulled my hair out.....all over the fact that he hadn't done a load of laundry. He had to grab my shoulders and shake me out of it. Two weeks ago I repeatedly hit my head on our bookcase so I could make up an excuse to go to the doctor. I thought they would take me seriously if I had a large knot on my forehead. I ended up with 2 black eyes and just a bunch of vitamins. I literally, LITERALLY feel like my brain is not working. This isn't just feeling down because life sucks and I have no friends....this is disturbing. I sit and rock because there is too much pain in my head and I can't see anyway of fixing it.

My current psychiatrist sucks and my medicine doesn't work. I can call him and tell him what's going on but he's just not much help. I've made an appointment with a new doctor, but as usual it's going to be 3 weeks until the appointment. I'm just so frustrated....if I were having an asthma attack or suffered a broken bone I could simply go to the emergency room and get patched up. But what do you do when you're having an emotional crisis? I don't have close friends or family who can come over for help and/or support...it's just me and my husband. I feel like I want to take a baseball bat and smash everything in my house or pull out my hair in handfuls. I want to just smash my hand with a hammer so this mental pain will go away. This goes far, far, far beyond getting up and going for a walk or calling up someone and having a "chat" or reading a good book. I can't cope anymore, I'm afraid I'm going to wind up rocking in a corner and drooling if this doesn't go away.

I wish I could come to your home and give you a giant hug. I have been there.

I would be your friend if we lived close by...because a friendship starts with a shared experience, and unfortunately we share this one.

Don't give up. Three weeks sounds like the longest hell when depression has you this badly. Sleep, nutrition, routine can help you get through. Be completely honest with the new pdoc that the old meds aren't working and you need a major change.

Keep posting here at PC! We all care. This place is nonjudgmental you can feel free to rant about your depression.

Welcome to PC CloudsAtNight. I too know those fits of hysteria when things just build and build until you just explode. I know you think and feel like you can't cope but you can and you will. One way or another you will weather the storm for your child and for your husband and for the life you have that you want to live to its fullest.

You have come to a good place to find people who know your suffering and can help you through the 3 weeks until your appointment. It can help to know you are not alone.

Wishing you well.

Clouds...you are not alone. I have been there as well, still there lots of times. This is only temporary. I know it doesn't feel that way right now, but it is. I liken it to the flu, a really bad flu that lasts a long time. When you can sleep, do it...and don't feel guilty about it. I found a great resource in the Samaritans. They aren't just for suicide, they will talk anytime about anything. You can go to the er for this as well, if it gets too out of control. This monster is as bad as an asthma attack or a broken bone, it's hell for the person going thru it. It is a medical problem.

Hugs Clouds
I've been in your shoes too. I know how you feel hun!! I'm in an never ending battle with someone who. I thought was my boyfriend?! I actually found out the truth from him just a week ago?! I was really a fuming fiery furnace!!!! wtf *********!!!!! I was just being f----ed over by him so anyway. I'll never will forget him but. I want to forgive him for everything he's done and called me!!!!!!

welcome on pc i want to tell you to try and try to fight in bad days ,with all my support ,take care

Hello & Welcome, CloudsAtNight!
Another possibility is that your body is not or has stopped absorbing the vitamins. In those tests, did they check for autoimmune Pernicious Anemia?

Dear Clouds,

Your low vitamin levels are very important to consider. Low vitamin D can indeed lead to severe anxiety (feel awful, can't sit still, sweaty palms for no reason). Low iron doesn't lead to depression per se but can definitely result in having no energy. Also, iron deficiency can seriously disrupt sleep patterns, which in turn can lead to added exhaustion during the day.
Did you have your vitamin D levels checked? Once you begin to replace stores of these vitamins it takes awhile to feel better.
I can really relate to how you are feeling. Replacing vitamins alone may not be the total answer... but it can help. Be persistant about taking them, especially vitamin D if you are low in it. Check with your doctor... my doc prescribed 2,000 mg per day to me for four months to begin with.
I hope you begin to feel better. And find some doctors that listen to you as well.

ps. Iron anemia can result in a loss of appetite:
http://health.nytimes.com/health/gui.../overview.html

E

Hi Clouds,
Welcome to PC, sorry to hear that you are struggling so much.
You say that if you had asthma or a broken bone you could simply go to the emergency room, you can do exactly the same if you are suffering as you are, there will be some sort of crisis team / psych to talk to who will help you decide what is best for you. (Does wherever your current psych hangs out have a crisis team you can contact?)
I don't know what sort of work you do but it sounds as though you and your husband are really going to struggle to make it through the next 3 weeks.
Keep writing here and try and access some 'real life' help sooner rather than later.
Hugs (if ok)
Splitz

hope this doesn't sound stupid but have you been tested for celiac disease (gluten intolerance/allergy) this could explain the non absorption of vitamins and low iron. i was always anaemic before i was diagnosed, no energy, exhausted all the time. might be worth a try to be tested for it. hugs to you.

Hi Clouds. I too suffer with depression and anxiety which has worsened recently. If your psychiatrist is not helping, and it is taking 3 weeks to get in to see the new one, would it be advisable to go to your regular medical doctor to ask him or her how you can be helped until then? I know you said the meds your psychiatrist has given do not help. Some psychiatric drugs can have a side effect of worsened depression. So some of this might perhaps be due to incorrect drugs for you. Not saying it is, just saying its possible. Believe me, I am a proponant of medication. I take it myself. Some psychiatrists just know how to rx the right combo of meds. Others, not so much. I hope you find some help in the interum until you can get in to see the new psychiatrist. And of course, keep posting here. Now that you have begun to post, you already have people here who care and can hear how excruciating this is for you.

(((((Clouds))))))

How are you doing? Wishing you well and hope you check in with us soon. Take good care.

Hang on, go to the new doctor, go to the hospital if you have to. Just hang on & insist that your new doctor listen to you & test you for the things others have suggested here. Your depression could very well be linked to as yet unknown medical problem or being complicated by one. Your physical state greatly impacts your mental well-being & if it is badly out of sync, then mentally you can go off the deep end. Keep going to new doctors until you find one who takes you seriously!

Hang in there.

Kim

I have those feeling too and my Dr is arranging for me to see someone. I have no friends that I can speak to as I have always been a loner. The few work mates that I have confided in now avoid me. I am so lonely but shy away from people. I feel afraid all the time and force myself to go to work each day and have no energy. I go to work I come home I sleep I used to read but cant even concentrate enough to do that. This has haunted me for so many years but as I have gotten older its harder to deal with. I am afraid all the time the world seems such a noisy and voilent place. I dread each day I wake up.

Wow, you have just written a narrative of my daily life. I have been going through this for as long as I can remember, but on top of it, I have panic attacks that keep me a prisoner in my house. I have been labled a "drug-seeker" by both psyc and md doctors, which has prevented them from actually prescribing anything for the anxiety. Just a couple days ago, I met with a new psychiatrist, which went terribly. I had an hour long appointment, because it was my first time meeting her, and my new case manager even with me- I didn't last 10-15 minutes before walking out, informing the entire full waiting room that this place is a joke and they'd be much better off going somewhere else! When I got out of the elevator, I told a family that had 2 kids with them that they were going to mess their kids up for life bringing them there. I am at such a loss as to what to do now, state insurance only pays for THIS one place, which has failed and failed to actually treat me like a person. They even forced me to keep seeing a dr for two years that sexualy harrased me, which of course they didn't even believe. I hope you find a way through this, and if/when you do, you share it here, because I know I for one have just about lost all hope. Oh, and another thought on how this has been getting more intense for you lately- there is a lot of really intense planetary allignments going on this year astrologically, which I've noticed is intensifying a lot of poblems for lots of people. Also- sometimes diagnosis can change, and medication reactions can pop up- sometimes I've suddenly goten totally manic from an antidepressant after 6 months of it working normally... just a couple ideas. I wish you the best...