Are you talking about going to Germany and this hurting your current live in partner? Are you still living with your long time partner? For now I think you need to forget about this relationship problem, the falling in love problem and the sexual problem. Put it on the back burner for now because you can't solve monumental problems when you're ill.

All you should be doing now is, taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. Even go to the ER if you have to. Forget about blaming yourself at the moment and deal with those problems when you're stronger. At this moment the goal is to get help and take care of yourself - everything else can wait.