all I want is to be in love again

Hi I feel completly lost at this stage of my life, and it is so overwelming that it is making me sick and worthless.. I live with a woman and her 2 boys for 9 years now, we have not been intimate in 5 years now and the spark has died for me, she is still married to someone else , but sewperated for many years now. I am divorced for many years now from someone else. We first met at work, and things were find for 4 years, so we decided to move in together , her children were 14 at the time. They are now 23. well progressly thinks got to a point, like we are an old married couple with a living arraigement. Her boys are indiferant to me, they respect me , because she tells them too. but there is really no interaction between us. I am 55 now she is 52....She comes from a poorer situation then i did. the projects were no place for her and her boys. at this point i am the major bread winner and provive the roof over our heads and the food on the table....she pays the little things phone , cable.we have spoken , and she knows i am not happy with this way of living, because i really am not alive or in love any longer with her. But she accepts this fact any way and carrys on in this so-called life of ours , like nothing is wrong. I have been sleeping on the couch for 5 years now, because there is no spark for me any more, so i go through life hoping I will find a real relatenship again and fall in love. the reason I am still here is because i fear she would have a hard time making it on her own again..I am not heartless and i feel bad about this but people change and i feel that it is time to move on for me, and try to find my soul mate, am I wrong to have this feeling?..Then I get on facebook and meet a german womanand for 6 months back and forth with talk of love and she says that i am the one.she does not speak much english so there is problems..so now i am estactic thinking oh my god could this be poissible someone really loves me..it has been a long time for me since i've been intimate or loving with someone yes 5 years..well i go to germany, she is 41 by the way, well the first 3 days are bliss with this woman, then one day she came home late from work, and she saw this look on my face, well she never told me she had to work, and i am thinking, we will spend time together..she gets angry and storms out or the flat we rented and says i will go home, oh by the way this girl is married also, but seperated , but lives in the same house as her husband ., in seperate floors, well i am in the middle of this town with a half- hour walk to the main area...well what hasppens the fuse blows and i am left in total darkness with no one to call, her number was not wqorking at this time, the next day she comes and tells me i am trying to get you a flight to go home, well i freak especialy since i was just left in the dark, and she wants to leave me alone again...well i had enough and pack my bags, and after much more money wasted i am back home....i now feel very suacidel over this because i thought this was my last chance for a loving relatenship and i really thought this was it, she led me to believe this. I guss i am naive and stupid to believe all this, but i have no one to talk to and not much friends i can rely on and no family left....i feel very unstable now, because it seems all of this sadness in my life is coming to a head....ifeel depressed and just want to end it all...i cannot carry on like this anymore..i am too old now....what do i do, ....and the dumbest part about all this is i still have feelings for this german girl...i am insane, and i really need help before i completely lose it....well thank you for listening to me any way, and i know i am a lost cause......thank you again

Hi, fool, you are never wrong for trying to live your life the best you can for yourself. That's what one's life is, we're all in this for ourselves and what we get out of it. Currently you get helping this woman but you do not love her and would like to move on with your life. She needs to be looking to care for herself!

I would feel less worried about her, she has a couple of fairly grown sons who are old enough to help her also if she needs it. You cannot carry another adult person, that does not help the other person grow and be themselves. I would talk further and work with the woman you are living with and create a way and path for you or she to move out of the house so both are supported for awhile and it's not a "shock".

But you need to work on doing one thing at a time; you see how getting involved with the German girl at this time has made things so much harder for you? I would focus on yourself and getting yourself stable and your resources known and gathered around you, becoming free from other people's attachments and then reach out and make some friends (not loves, friends, male and female). After your life is more balanced and you have work, money, roof over your head, friends and activities, then look to finding loving companionship?

but this is going on for so long now...and I fear I am too old now to find true happiness...I know all the things you say are true, but I really can't think straight any more about things....it is so over welming for me , everything moves at a snails pace...and I am not getting any younger , i should not have left Germany like that....but she was very headstrong..i must wake up to reality and try to follow my inner feelings, but i sit here night after night, and my only form of commuication is my laptop...i am patetic, a fool who believes in something that will never happen for me...i will never be happy, .....i have truly come to the end of the line...and the funny part about all this is i always helped others with there problems and always held in mine, now it is all getting the best of me...and i feel like i am going to burst...because i was stupid with this german girl, who i feel deep down is the greatest and now she thinks i am an asshole...she is probaly reight i am a fool, to believe i would ever be happy....now another 10 years have gotten behind me, and where am i in limbo...unhappy , not sleeping and rapidly losing weight....i am a stupid sad patetic idiot who should just lie down by the side of the road, and let the world go on around me....i am patetic

Hi fool007 - welcome to PC. Does your partner know you were pursuing a relationship with the woman in Germany? I also want to know if your partners husband provided financial support to his wife and the raising of his children. I think you're correct - you have settled into an unfortunate partnership.

I see two issues here - I think you're involved in a co-dependent relationship and you seem to be attracted to women who are needy and still attached. I'm not sure if you find this exciting or if you see yourself as the 'rescuer type'. Both these women are needy.

I agree you should plan to separate from your current partner. She should be fine and her sons can help her out. You need to stay away from women who are still attached to their previous partners. You also need to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else. The fact you don't have a partner/soul mate doesn't mean you're pathetic. When you're in a peaceful place, make a list of what you want from a relationship.

I suggest you forget about them both and get out and live....I'm certain I've answered this one before in another one of the forums....dejavue....

i can't bring myself to do this...to get out and live....i still feel for germany..and prayer for a glimmer of hope between us...i am wrong for this...that is why i am patitic....i am not sleeping well and am losing weight rapidly...i have no desire but to stay on my couch, and fade into the void...i am a self- defeatest unbalenced man...who can not function nor to i feel like i want to....i am old and will never find a woman , that i can relate too any longer....listen thank you....but there is no help for me.....i am patitic and insuifficant to even worry about....

Hi Fool. I hear your pain and I am sorry so much is pilling up on you right now. It will get better.

I am a 56 year old woman and I know it can feel like we are at the end of our life but in really is all about perspective. I remember when I turned 50 and when my dad called to wish me happy birthday he said 'well girl you are half way there'. Me being the downer that I am most of the time just thought 'OMG I can't do another 50!'

My point is you are not as old as you think you are. There a zillions.... well maybe not zillions.... but lots and lots of stories of people in there 60's, 70's and even 80's finding love. You are never too old. Love will find you again if that is what you desire. Your current desperation is causing you to think it won't but it found you at least twice before and while they didn't work out it says to me it can happen again and maybe the next time it will work out.

While it is easier said then done I know..... you MUST stop with the negative self talk. You can't see the light if you are heaping darkness all around you. You will never find your way if you are consumed with berating yourself.

You might start by finding a good therapist to talk to about everything that is going on. Aside from the relationship questions you need to address you own mental and physical health issues. You are trying to get to the prize before you are well enough to even recognize it let alone attract it to you.

I wouldn't make any decisions about the relationship you are in or the one you fantacize until you have regained your health. You are trying to skip this step. It sounds to me that you are getting progressively sicker. A loving relationship maybe your eventual goal but you are not in a healthy enough place to be going there right now.

Get healthy. Yes it will take time but you have more time then you think. You really do. We aren't that old. Not in the grander picture of our lives. If you take care of yourself you could well live another decade or two or three. That said you are old enough to make sure the next relationship is a good one. That is is going to last and be more fullfilling then the others. No more dress rehersals. All the more reason to get yourself in a position to choose and maintain a healthy, loving, happy and lasting relationship.

Believe. Start there. Believe you are entitled. Believe anything is possible. Believe in yourself. Believe that with some help you can get yourself well enough to know what you need to do with this relationship and what you need to do to fullfull your desire to be in a lasting loving relationship. Believe and be nice to yourself. Enough of the 'I am pathetic'. It serves no useful purpose to beat yourself up and think only gloom and doom.

Trust me... been there... done that.... be grateful you didn't have to deal with menopause. Get it.... men on pause. Hey maybe that is what is up with your current housemate. She may be going through the dry, stay away, I don't want sex cursee of menopause. Took me a good 5 or 6 or 7 years to find my mojo again. By then it was too late. He'd moved on.

I hear you all...But, I am so lost, I cannot live this life of lonleness any more...I really have so much to give someone...I really do...but who wants a 55 year old man any way...When I was in germany, I couldn't function sexually, it was not about that for me...{ can I talk about this here} ?......I just thought that after all this tine, I really found some one to grow old with...I crave a healthy relatenship with someone, a relatenship where things happen in a positive loving way...I used to be moe intimate, but after all these years without relations...i blocked it out...so here i am....not performing like a man should, and she say he doesn't like me...well then the realization hit me....i am old , i cannot perform like i used to...so therfore how could i please a woman again....sorry about all this..but i just want to go into oblivian right now...I crave a loving person, i really am a good guy...i aslways help people with their problems, and always have a kind word when people i know are sad...they talk to me about their problems and try them to make them feel good about themselves...but here am I all bottled up all these years....with my own problems, and i cannot even help myself...ironic twist of fate...now i feel I cannot carry on in a society that calls for a man to be dominant and strong in the jungle...I have feelings too...but alas age shows no kindness to me and here i go, over the deep end...and i do not know how to swim...I fear the worse for me...I see no light carrying on in this way , of my mundane life...i will never meet the " one"....it is a shame really...but it is over for me really...look thank you all again , you are all seem so solid and together...and I'm knocking on the mad/ sane door.....

Sounds as if you are very down right now. That can effect all areas of your life. Sounds like it is. It was already stated you shld work on getting healthy before working on new relations. Its true that is the first step. Go see your doctor start therapy work on meds if you need. Whatever it takes to get back up. Now you are only 55. Yes only. There are many many years left which you have to take full advantage. This whole woman in germany deal also is something to not fret over. Seems that she was not interested in anything real, that there is some need she is trying to fulfill through adulterous relationships. It didn't work out the way she planned. Better for you anyway. Don't want someone that is spoken for. take time to start caring about you for awhile. That's really what at seems needs to happen before anything else. When you start feeling a little more selfassured then take the next steps to finding the companionship you desire.

(((( (((( Fool )))) ))))

That isn't true! I understand you still feel for Germany but you have burned your bridges there and she doesn't want you. I really feel that she didn't in the first place or she wouldn't have made you stay in a rented flat, she would have had you in a nice hotel or at her place.

There is room and time for someone else and you are not pathetic. Please hold on and be kinder to yourself,

Rhiannon

I think you should definitely forget about the lady in Germany. I doubt you want to live there and I doubt you want her to come here and support her. Can you salvage the relationship with the woman you're living now??

Regarding your sexual dysfunction - this is a common problem at your age. Have you discussed this with your doctor. Please speak with your doctor about this - it could be a treatable prostate problem. There is hope in that department. Are you on medication for your depression? If not, please discuss this also. Being in a relationship isn't the be 'all and end all' - plus you can't form a healthy relationship when you're depressed. The 1st step is going to your doctor and don't feel embarrassed about discussing the sexual dysfunction. Your life isn't over just because you don't have a partner.

dear god, i am losing it...i can't find a doctor...everyone is telling me it will be weeks , to get anappointment...i don't think i can hold on that long...i just want this all to stop...i'm losing my mind,,,,,,,,,,what to do what the hell do i do,,,,

I think you get yourself to an emergency ward. It sounds like it is getting really bad for you and you need help now not weeks from now. Please consider going to the ER. Don't give up trying to get some help. I know how hard it can be to manuveur in the medical system but don't give up.

i am not feeling well...there is no one to talk to, i lost 4 more pounds....no-one cares, right now everyone is starting to see this gloom on my face, i just want to talk with some one, i have to let this all out of me...i am going to explode...whats the point anymore..i cannot pick myself up and get on with this life of mind...i will never be happy...you know its funny everyone , looks to me to be the strong one...they rally around me , as if i'm some sort of hereo to them...this is insane, maybe they have no lives, and need to feed off of mine...why...i really am week and can't find a solution to my problems...i am starting to get incoherant...it is all to much for me .....

What would you be telling one of those people who turns to you for support if they shared with you what you have shared with us? Would you not tell them to get to a doctor asap? Would you not tell them to not give up? Would you not tell them to get help?

Why aren't you doing for yourself what you know you need to do? Why aren't you talking to your doctor or going to the hospital to get emergency psych care?

We have all been where you are.... feeling hopeless and overloaded and lost for answers. Many of us like you are the go-to-people for friends and family to unload their problems. We know what it is like to stuff our own problems while holding other people up. It seems to be part of the DNA. It is easier to help others then to be honest about our own needs for help. It takes trust to let others help us.

You need help to find your way out of the pit you have fallen into. Don't wait another day to ask for help. Find the courage to ask for help now. You can do this for yourself. You are sooooo worth it.

oh my god ..oh my god...i did something to someone i rally love so much...i hurt her so bad...she must feel horrible ..i feel horrible...i am powerless to rectify ...i really did something stupid......what am i going to do ....what am i going to do......i hate myself...i hate myself ...i hate myself....i must pray...i must pray for forgivenesss

Are you talking about going to Germany and this hurting your current live in partner? Are you still living with your long time partner? For now I think you need to forget about this relationship problem, the falling in love problem and the sexual problem. Put it on the back burner for now because you can't solve monumental problems when you're ill.

All you should be doing now is, taking care of yourself emotionally and physically. Even go to the ER if you have to. Forget about blaming yourself at the moment and deal with those problems when you're stronger. At this moment the goal is to get help and take care of yourself - everything else can wait.

if things are getting worse i am with eveyone else that said to go to the ER> they will be able to help you get started on the road to feeling better. i think you need things only available through the medical community. lest us know if you go and keep us updated on your progress

i am sick over this whole thing, the woman in germany, the woman hereis making me ill...she is doing things going through my personal things calling my friends...we have nothing for 5 years...why can she not leave me alone...i want to stay alone on my couch..i want no contact from her....she lives in fantasy world that we are still together...i have seperated myself from her for 5 years...why am i still here...i need to leave..i am sick....germany treated me badly....yet i still feel for her...i wish she would help me...she hates me...i hate myself...i hate my life...i hate to leave my couch..i an a sick man....i am losing to much weight..i donot want to eat i want to take the pills and leave...i hate myself all these years wasted for what..look where i am now...nowhere....void can't sleep much any more...tired so tired

Speak to the woman you live with - you and she need to decide to either work on your relationship or you need to plan to move out but not right now. All you have to do is get yourself stronger and stop thinking about these problems with these women. Tell the lady you're with that you're depressed. Are you on medication or have you seen a doctor for your emotional issues? Remember what I said before - you can solve major problems when you're weak and sick. You can't lay on the couch and wallow in this way. Go to your general doctor .....can you do that???

I feel alot of pressure building up inside me....i can't think straight..two sdes of the coin....i think your right, i need to put this whole mess on the back burner...i may an appointment with a doctor tommorow..must talk about all this...and i hope he can help me....because i really am getting sick.....

I hope things go well. If you need to the ER is always an option kinda like a quick start

Good for you for going to the doctor tomorrow. In order to solve your problems you need to be healthy emotionally first. There's no immediate rush to solve these problems.

i hope so...i am feeling really confused , down, no motivation....and depressed....i could only try....

I agree that going to the doctor as soon as possible is a good idea