I hope this doesn't get wordy; a rant is to follow ...

A few weeks ago I was accused of a very horrible thing - which I DID NOT DO - and have been suffering since. I've lost a boatload of friends over the situation and am not coping well. Not coping well at ALL. I can't seem to get this heavy feeling out of my heart and am finding little to no solace. I feel like I'm being held underwater by the arms that belong to the devil all the while being laughed at. I dream of these people every night. I think about the **** that's gone down every day. I have people blowing up my phone to the point where I've had to block numbers. A few of them tell me they hope I "rot in hell for what I did" and that I'd "feel better if (I'd) just admit to it." What's a person to do when they're being falsely accused of something? Oh, I know! Sit & stew over everything to the point of being so horribly depressed all one can do is ask why why why!!! over & over & over again ... it's killing me & eating away at me inside. I cry & cry, have SI'ed a little (but thankfully most times I'm able to stop myself before it gets too intense). I have such a hard time with negative emotions & loss even more so. Always have. Stupid childhood ...

I realize these people were probably never my true friends to begin with, especially those that tell me that they "believe in their heart that (I) did it." Loss for me is so difficult to handle. I can't stand it! My therapist & I have discussed the fact that I can tend to "catastrophize" things in my life. When one thing is going wrong, I carry it over into every other situation in my life & make things a total hell for myself. All because of my self-loathing & inability to love myself or think I deserve good things. But that can be saved for another post elsewhere ... heh.

I also feel so selfish for hanging on to these emotions so deeply. My best friend of 16 years's dad passed away early Monday morning. I know I need to do right by myself, take care of me, before I can help others. I'm finding it so incredibly difficult to do anything remotely positive for myself. I have a CBT therapist & we practice some DBT skills, which I always find to be incredibly helpful just hard to put into practice at times. This would be one of those times.

And to top it off? Tomorrow's my birthday. I wish it would just not come at all. What's there to celebrate, anyway?

Sorry, it got wordy & I hope it makes sense! Right now I just need a good, longgggg hug & someone to rock me & tell me everything's going to be ok. I know that's just the child in me begging to be comforted, but hell, what's wrong with that every once in a while?