Overload cannot cope

I hope this doesn't get wordy; a rant is to follow ...

A few weeks ago I was accused of a very horrible thing - which I DID NOT DO - and have been suffering since. I've lost a boatload of friends over the situation and am not coping well. Not coping well at ALL. I can't seem to get this heavy feeling out of my heart and am finding little to no solace. I feel like I'm being held underwater by the arms that belong to the devil all the while being laughed at. I dream of these people every night. I think about the **** that's gone down every day. I have people blowing up my phone to the point where I've had to block numbers. A few of them tell me they hope I "rot in hell for what I did" and that I'd "feel better if (I'd) just admit to it." What's a person to do when they're being falsely accused of something? Oh, I know! Sit & stew over everything to the point of being so horribly depressed all one can do is ask why why why!!! over & over & over again ... it's killing me & eating away at me inside. I cry & cry, have SI'ed a little (but thankfully most times I'm able to stop myself before it gets too intense). I have such a hard time with negative emotions & loss even more so. Always have. Stupid childhood ...

I realize these people were probably never my true friends to begin with, especially those that tell me that they "believe in their heart that (I) did it." Loss for me is so difficult to handle. I can't stand it! My therapist & I have discussed the fact that I can tend to "catastrophize" things in my life. When one thing is going wrong, I carry it over into every other situation in my life & make things a total hell for myself. All because of my self-loathing & inability to love myself or think I deserve good things. But that can be saved for another post elsewhere ... heh.

I also feel so selfish for hanging on to these emotions so deeply. My best friend of 16 years's dad passed away early Monday morning. I know I need to do right by myself, take care of me, before I can help others. I'm finding it so incredibly difficult to do anything remotely positive for myself. I have a CBT therapist & we practice some DBT skills, which I always find to be incredibly helpful just hard to put into practice at times. This would be one of those times.

And to top it off? Tomorrow's my birthday. I wish it would just not come at all. What's there to celebrate, anyway?

Sorry, it got wordy & I hope it makes sense! Right now I just need a good, longgggg hug & someone to rock me & tell me everything's going to be ok. I know that's just the child in me begging to be comforted, but hell, what's wrong with that every once in a while?

I am sorry they have been so cruel to you. get new phone number okay delete them all from you computer They keep harassing you call authorities to get them to stop. I am also glad you have therapists to help you to heal Time to make new friends try new things make a new path for you okay. Happy Birthday tommorrow go out and do something just for you okay do something special take care

Good morning, neiseluv

What you share with us hits home for me. Throughout my life my number one horror has been being accused and found guilty of something I didn't do. I don't know why that's the case. My T and I are exploring it. But it certainly makes me attentive to what you have to say. That's just a horrible, terrible situation to be in. I believe that I fully understand. And sympathize. Keep talking about it with your T, as long as you need to, as long as the horror and pain last. And do try to clear your name. And do make plain to the people you know that whether they believe you or not, you did NOT do what you're accused of doing. They may otherwise take silence for admission of guilt. I wish you only the best. Feel free to message me if you ever feel like it. Take good care, and Happy Birthday!

I've been thinking about getting a new number; have also deleted them from social sites. I've been locking the texts & taking screen shots & saving them of crap posted on facebook, just in case. I've asked the main person to stop harassing me & she won't. If it keeps up I AM going to go to the police.

Thank you for your encouraging words, they are definitely not falling on deaf ears. And also, thanks for the birthday wish! I'm going to bake myself a cake.

I guess I've had that fear as well (being accused and found guilty of something I didn't do) and it's all coming true. I feel like I'm clawing & gasping for air that I just cannot find. =/ My therapist & I will be working on this for a long, long time, I fear. I doubt there will be any clearing of my name; though I am not guilty, it sure as hell looks like I am (from others' point of view). It's a tricky situation.

And thanks, I'll keep messaging you in mind. I love this place! So much support! Also, thanks for the bday wishes! I'm hoping to make the best of it, or well, at least try.

Don't worry about wordy- keeping this stuff in only multiplies it! I can relate- I am in a legal battle that has left me guilty unless proven innocent! The accusations against me are multiplied and any good has been minimized- despite letters written on my behalf! Hang in there.

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear that! I've been describing my situation the same way - guilty until proven innocent. Thank you for replying.

to thine own self be true! hold your head up high and ignore those ppl who wrongly accuse you. they've got the mentality of a mob. i wouldn't give the them an explanation. you know the truth and that is what really matters. if they were your "friends" , you don't need friends like that.
so be kind to yourself and try not to internalize their own bad deeds.
and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!

I feel so bad and know what your going through, I too have no friends right now and having a hard time coping.. The friends I had turned on me which makes them back stabbers and that's exactly what your friends are which makes them not your friends...

Neise,

I can totally relate. And the horror of what you are accused of eventually you start to think "could I be guilty of that is that how she saw it?" Even though you still know you didn't do it, you start to look at it from so many other angles that you really wonder if you are guilty as charged.

Reading this was a trigger for me. I'll put that into a thread of its own. But don't give up or give in. As Ygrec says that dignified silence can be ones downfall. But what can you do when no one will talk to you?

I offer you my support and I want you to know that together with the others, I am here for you,

Rhiannon

A big thank you to madisgram, Sunset-L & Rhiannonsmoon - I really appreciate your kind words! <3 They help more than you know.