it has been a hard journey so far,,but i must say that at least i chose the journey and it wasnt forced on me by someone else....how i was/am living my life is not working and any path i choose has lessons.(these words inspired me to get real help) i chose the path to seek help/answers..i finally got the nerve a little while ago and WOW,,how painful it can be,,[[but not more painful than other experiences that i was not in control of i suppose,,but now i cant disassociate from it, because it is FOR and FROM me]]..first i made the call and got an appointment with mental health services,,about 2-3 weeks wait, which was extremely difficult to make that first step,, i then seen a councellor who suggested some group therapy,,then i pleaded to see a psychiatrist ,,i knew the councellor did not see how deep my troubles were,,she then referred me to a psychiatrist,,another 2 weeks wait,,very emotional and exhausting visit that was with the psych,,,he diagnosed me with a couple things, including generalized anxiety disorder (which explains somewhat why i fear group therapies),,, but then referred me to a psychologist for further testing.. i waited 2 1/2 weeks to see her,she was nice but i didnt talk to her very long,,i answered a long test afterwards,,now i am waiting for results and to see the psychiatrist again so i know what treatments/meds to start...this is sooo hard...(i eventually called one of the suggestions of therapy and spoke to a lady who offered me some one on one counselling for a while with one of my diagnoses before joining a group) i have been honest about everything, which means telling things about myself and my life that i would rather not acknowledge, and memories are haunting me...waiting is hard,,the work needed,from what i know i need so far,is looking terribly hard..it will probably be another couple of weeks (hopefully not longer)before i can see the psychiatrist again,,the people in my life right now are causing more pain (boyfriend and mother),,they are both very selfish and manipulting, where alot of my problems stem from,, i am used to it from my mother by now,,, but it still hurts,,and the boyfriend,well i seen that from the beginning,i was just too stupid or scared to get out before i was too deeply involved,,,,i cant give up on help for myself because i know that i am at a point that it is either do it or die,,i cannot put my children through the emotional pain of letting/causing my own death...i continue forward but with deep confusion and hurt,,,i just want to feel real happiness,,i wouldnt have known that if i had not sought help because i would have just kept living the way i was use to,,eventually breaking i think,,i have happiness with my children,but it gets really hard to put on a happy face when i am in such turmoil all the time..i do not have "close" friends i can talk to about anything like this,,when i was young and heard about suicide i thought that people like that were soul-less and just wanted to cause others pain,,now i see they just wanted to stop their own pain..i am so sad and crying alot of the time,,i am tired of hurting ,, i am told professional help is the right way ,,to keep going even if it doesnt seem so,,now that i have gone this far i cant turn back,there is nothing back there but death pretending to be peace,,i am smart enough to see that,, just not strong enough to stop the hurt of moving forward..i pray walking backwards never gets to be an option that looks better