i have come this far..not sure if posted in proper topic

it has been a hard journey so far,,but i must say that at least i chose the journey and it wasnt forced on me by someone else....how i was/am living my life is not working and any path i choose has lessons.(these words inspired me to get real help) i chose the path to seek help/answers..i finally got the nerve a little while ago and WOW,,how painful it can be,,[[but not more painful than other experiences that i was not in control of i suppose,,but now i cant disassociate from it, because it is FOR and FROM me]]..first i made the call and got an appointment with mental health services,,about 2-3 weeks wait, which was extremely difficult to make that first step,, i then seen a councellor who suggested some group therapy,,then i pleaded to see a psychiatrist ,,i knew the councellor did not see how deep my troubles were,,she then referred me to a psychiatrist,,another 2 weeks wait,,very emotional and exhausting visit that was with the psych,,,he diagnosed me with a couple things, including generalized anxiety disorder (which explains somewhat why i fear group therapies),,, but then referred me to a psychologist for further testing.. i waited 2 1/2 weeks to see her,she was nice but i didnt talk to her very long,,i answered a long test afterwards,,now i am waiting for results and to see the psychiatrist again so i know what treatments/meds to start...this is sooo hard...(i eventually called one of the suggestions of therapy and spoke to a lady who offered me some one on one counselling for a while with one of my diagnoses before joining a group) i have been honest about everything, which means telling things about myself and my life that i would rather not acknowledge, and memories are haunting me...waiting is hard,,the work needed,from what i know i need so far,is looking terribly hard..it will probably be another couple of weeks (hopefully not longer)before i can see the psychiatrist again,,the people in my life right now are causing more pain (boyfriend and mother),,they are both very selfish and manipulting, where alot of my problems stem from,, i am used to it from my mother by now,,, but it still hurts,,and the boyfriend,well i seen that from the beginning,i was just too stupid or scared to get out before i was too deeply involved,,,,i cant give up on help for myself because i know that i am at a point that it is either do it or die,,i cannot put my children through the emotional pain of letting/causing my own death...i continue forward but with deep confusion and hurt,,,i just want to feel real happiness,,i wouldnt have known that if i had not sought help because i would have just kept living the way i was use to,,eventually breaking i think,,i have happiness with my children,but it gets really hard to put on a happy face when i am in such turmoil all the time..i do not have "close" friends i can talk to about anything like this,,when i was young and heard about suicide i thought that people like that were soul-less and just wanted to cause others pain,,now i see they just wanted to stop their own pain..i am so sad and crying alot of the time,,i am tired of hurting ,, i am told professional help is the right way ,,to keep going even if it doesnt seem so,,now that i have gone this far i cant turn back,there is nothing back there but death pretending to be peace,,i am smart enough to see that,, just not strong enough to stop the hurt of moving forward..i pray walking backwards never gets to be an option that looks better

I'm sorry your journey is so hard but I really hear such determination in your words and I have every confidence that you will get through this. Your commitment to your recovery is very evident. Well done for all the steps you have taken so far! You have really persevered and I'm certain your efforts will pay off. I hope you're able to get started on a good medication and treatment program soon. Well done for hanging in there and doing what needs to be done!! I really hope things begin to get easier before too much longer.

Keep going ((((((((Queenie)))))))), you will see and fee the benefits and it will make your life so much better

Greetings,

You can go as far as you want to go. After all, it is your journery, no one else's.

Nonetheless, from all I have read of your posts, you are truly inspirational, you know that?

Have a good one.

thank you all for your kind words and support,,im sorry if i sounded so needy,,,i never thought of myself as inspirational,,ty,,i seem pretty messed up to myself,,i hit a low point last night and am feeling a little more positive this morning,,i am so glad i found PC to vent some,,if not i dont know what i would do ..... another appointment tuesday with the one on one councelling for my ED... one step at a time

Good for you, QUEEN OF WANDS. I admire your strength and courage. You are being an advocate for yourself too. Wanting to get better is important. Believing you can is so important too. Be an active participant in the process. A treatment plan that you helped frame is important. See here: http://phobias.about.com/od/glossary/g/treatplandef.htm

DocJohn talks about psychotherapy here: http://psychcentral.com/psychotherapy/

Not all mental health professionals are created equally. Do not hesitate to ask questions. Do not suffer in silence. If the side effects of medication are great, ask for something different. If therapy does not seem to be working, say so. As you already know, getting better is hard. Even so, it should not have to be harder still because of medications and/or therapy that are not helpful.

Wishing you the best.

Dear Queen,, one must admire your determination. remember, too, that there is a magnificent fund of resources in peer support, even if it is virtual, right here in PC. no professional i have met understands half as well as someone who has been thru it~! i hope you can find the time to come to chats, and just chew the bone with us, i have always enjoyed your company when you are here. and Congrats, on taking those firstest , hardest steps,, Gus

Dear Queen,
I'm so sorry your search for answers is so very difficult. I understand. I'd like to share that I finally started writing everything down so the next newest pdoc could get an accurate feel for what i was going through. it's so painful to have to share all that pain to strangers.

When i got to the end of my rope in 1995, ready to just fold up my chair and go "home", that's when i got my answer, part of the picture anyway, and was dx'd with bipolar disorder. my reaction was incredible relief. yes, relief. and medicines to help, finally. recently you know of the derealization/depersonalization dx. again, incredible relief. i wish this relief from finally "knowing" for you too dear Queen.

My heart goes out to you and you know i support you and will hope and "pray" for the best for you. don't EVER give up dear Queen, the answers are there, we just have to persevere.

always [and oh yes, i agree with Gus! ]

"Between you and every goal that you wish to achieve, there is a series of obstacles, and the bigger the goal, the bigger the obstacles. Your decision to be, have and do something out of the ordinary entails facing difficulties and challenges that are out of the ordinary as well. Sometimes your greatest asset is simply your ability to stay with it longer than anyone else."~ Brian Tracy

((((Queen))))), I am sorry for all the pain. I think that people who deal with this much stuff are very strong indeed. I think that even if "walking backward" ever feels like a better option, if the healing times gets really hard, you can fight with all your might to keep going forward. Because thats what brings freedom. Even if it doesnt feel like that at times. I believe that in the forward motion is the hope.

I wish there was a better way to heal the past other than to walk back through the fires, with cognition this time. But often that is the way.
I bet you will be assisted though with some good meds so that you will not feel quite as bad.

People who have heavy burdons are strong people. Even when we feel so weakened and tired from them.

anyway, thats my thoughts for what they are worth. Suffice to say I am sending hugs your way ( and admiration for your determination)

well,,i havent been doing as well as i should be but i still haven't quit .. i do not get to see the psychiatrist until november 12(was upset about that ,but they r busy)..i cancelled 2 appointments with another counsellor but am planning to see her next week(for my ed)..i also got an appointment with the counsellor from mental health and will be seeing her on oct.15...not backing out,,just hard,,my troubles only seem to get deeper...i cant seem to make the changes i need to in my life that are stopping me from healing,,and im not even sure of exactly what/how to do it...anyway i am hanging in there

Thank you for sharing. Such a journey and how strong you've become.
It's wonderful knowing that there really is progress in us, in all of this.

Queen of wands, I can only agree with what has been said and add to it my own respect for how far you have come and my encouragement for you, that you keep on going. I know it's hard, and Iknow it's not and uncomplicated journey, but let us know how it oges, and rmember that you aren't on this planet for anyone else to use , dear. You decide wen it's OK. HUGGGSSSSS.