((((Queen))))), I am sorry for all the pain. I think that people who deal with this much stuff are very strong indeed. I think that even if "walking backward" ever feels like a better option, if the healing times gets really hard, you can fight with all your might to keep going forward. Because thats what brings freedom. Even if it doesnt feel like that at times. I believe that in the forward motion is the hope.

I wish there was a better way to heal the past other than to walk back through the fires, with cognition this time. But often that is the way.
I bet you will be assisted though with some good meds so that you will not feel quite as bad.

People who have heavy burdons are strong people. Even when we feel so weakened and tired from them.

anyway, thats my thoughts for what they are worth. Suffice to say I am sending hugs your way ( and admiration for your determination)