I ad an appt on wednesday with a man from the "Intervention for young people with early onset of psychotic behaviour," team.
I didnt realise i was showing early signs of psychotic behaviour, but maybe my idea of psychotic bhvior different.
I just want to say "hey! stop right there.... i just want to be better, now you making me feel like i am mental, and that making everything worse!"
i went to see a psychiatrist when i was 13 and i made everything sound amazing and told him it was just a little phase, basically lied through my teeth to make him reduce the meetings and finally to end them cause it made me sick that i had to see him i hated myself for being like this.
Now everytime i am manic, depressed, hypomanic or having a mixed episode i know i need to put everything into getting better.
But i hate going through these processes, they make me feel like i am a weak person, i feel so ashamed.
My 2 best friends know an i feel in some way that they will patronise me for it, and like think badly. Even though i do their head in by being ill in the first place.
I dont want to be bipolar, i just want to be able to have control over myself and my life, and i dont feel i do!
I want to wake up in the morning and be able to just go to work, i want to go to college and just get on with it.
I hate myself, i dont think that will ever change.. so whats the point?