I just cant accept it

I ad an appt on wednesday with a man from the "Intervention for young people with early onset of psychotic behaviour," team.
I didnt realise i was showing early signs of psychotic behaviour, but maybe my idea of psychotic bhvior different.
I just want to say "hey! stop right there.... i just want to be better, now you making me feel like i am mental, and that making everything worse!"
i went to see a psychiatrist when i was 13 and i made everything sound amazing and told him it was just a little phase, basically lied through my teeth to make him reduce the meetings and finally to end them cause it made me sick that i had to see him i hated myself for being like this.
Now everytime i am manic, depressed, hypomanic or having a mixed episode i know i need to put everything into getting better.
But i hate going through these processes, they make me feel like i am a weak person, i feel so ashamed.
My 2 best friends know an i feel in some way that they will patronise me for it, and like think badly. Even though i do their head in by being ill in the first place.
I dont want to be bipolar, i just want to be able to have control over myself and my life, and i dont feel i do!
I want to wake up in the morning and be able to just go to work, i want to go to college and just get on with it.
I hate myself, i dont think that will ever change.. so whats the point?

i think it would really help... if people could just tell me about why they are glad they got professional help, what their life was like before and what its like now.
i wanna hear some good news!!
obv i am realistic not too optimistic i'm not expecting you to say lifes fairies and sunshine now.
just some real great stories. x

I am bipolar too widgets. I understand what you are saying. The thing is if we had diabetes or a heart problem would we feel we were weak because of it? Actually I think of myself as a strong person. I have had to be strong to get through stuff that has happened to me. You can't control what others think of you. As time went on things got better for me and I hope you have the same experience. I have worked all of my life and went to college and have excelled at it so life is what you make of it. You are far more than this disorder. I have found that most people really don't know how to help or what to say. Mental illness has such a stigma and you are right people judge us so I am very careful who I share it with. That may not be the healthiest way to handle it but I don't want people analyzing me over emotions that they have too. We will never be perfectly balanced but really who is? The bible says that David was a man after God's own heart and he was as bipolar as it gets so if David was okay with God then I must be okay too! God's opinion of me is far more important for me than any other. My prayer for you is that you enjoy your youth and attain the goals you have set for your life!

Ok you want to hear the truth? I was off balance, always worried about what others thought of me because I didn't feel as strong as they were even though I did well in school. My personal life was not what I wanted it to be. My relationships were not healthy. I think I didn't feel good about myself so I settled for less than what I deserved. I was dependent on others because I was unstable. I would impulsively do things I later regretted. I spent money foolishly and extended myself to the point of exhaustion. Sure I had a lot of friends and my coworkers and bosses loved how hard I worked but it was not good for me. Then I was diagnosed with bipolar. I wish I could say I started the meds and everything was great after that but that isn't true. Things got better little by little. At first I didn't totally believe the diagnosis and finally went off meds which was a disaster. Now I am eight years from my diagnosis and life is good for me. I am stable. The impulsive behaviors are few and far between. I feel at peace with myself and others. I don't feel so dependent on others and people can't push my buttons like they used to. I could not go back to those highs and lows. I have to say there was period of adjustment where my life felt sort of boring because all I knew was how I used to be which would never be boring! Now I don't think I am boring at all. I just had to get used to life without the roller coasters!

Best advice I ever got? You are not the disorder but it is part of you. It's your gift and it's one of the things that makes you the person you are. The second part of the advice was to remind myself that I have bipolar disorder; I am not bipolar. That implies that the disease is all I am and I'm more than that. It was definitely a different way to look at it.

I hate talking to professionals about how I feel. I mean, I don't know anything about them so why should they know about me? The answer is that they need to know in order to help. I know it sucks having to deal with friends and parents who are constantly analyzing your behavior... It's annoying. But, like the doctors, they are also trying to help and that's a sign that they love you and want to make sure you're doing alright. They are a net for you to fall into when depression hits or the string that ties you to the ground when your floating off into the world of mania.

Since I was diagnosed with depression and finally BP I've tried many different meds. Although it was a long, somewhat frustrating process, I've found, because of my pdoc, a med that works for me. I've been stable, legitimately stable, for over 2 months now. It's the first time in maybe 3 years! I have bad days just like everyone else does and I have good days too. What I'm trying to say is that yes, having bipolar sucks (a ton!) but it shouldn't define our lives (easier said than done). I want you to know that it is possible to find something that works for you whether it's a certain type of therapy, a combo of meds or any other healthy solution.

Wow. That was long

I hope this helps to give you a little hope! Best wishes!
-L

My counsellor has helped me learn to accept who I am and not beat myself up over stupid things... it took a long time, it was a hard journey and it keeps on going

My pdoc helps me with managing my meds, and helps me to keep on taking them (which is a big problem for me)

My life is sooo much more stable and happier than it was....

I do not really accept my bipolar disorder, but telling the psych about it implies that i do realize it.
In between hypomanias and euthymic periods. I have been fighting to appear happy during depressions. I do not want to be ill. Meeting the world with a smile gives me smiles back. Unfortunately. it is not always that I want to meet the world.
Anyhow, now I hope the meds will make life easier.

Widgets, I had hit absolute rock bottom in 2007 with my mental health. I had attempted so many times in a 3 week period I couldn't even tell you how many. I was completely out of my mind. The last time I attempted I was found and was taken to the ER. I was committed; was in patient for 6 weeks and was diagnosed with BP. I thought my life was over and I would never be able to return to my career, have a productive life etc. It took a lot of work on my part. I educated myself on the illness, I go to therapy, I take my meds and I live a healthy lifestyle (exercise, eating properly etc.)

I am happy I survived. I do have a productive life and have the same career I had before I was diagnosed. It did take time for me and my pdoc to find the right combo of meds and it was frustrating at times, but I am now very happy with my med combo.

It's not rainbows, lollipops and unicorns, but I am happy with my life. Through my struggles with this illness I have grown as a person. I have learned life lessons that many people will never learn. Am I happy I have bipolar? No, but it is what it is and I will not let it define who I am and/or dictate what I do with my life. There is hope.

widget, I have been lucky that my family realized pretty early on that there was something wrong with me, even if I was not diagnosed with bipolar until I was in my late twenties. It hasn't been easy, but if there was one thing that this diease has taught me is that I can't take things for granted, and that I am not perfect. It sounds trite, but a lot of people don't realize how much of what they have has come to them by way of luck or by way of their parent's position in life or some other random thing. Thanks to this thing, the role that such luck plays is something I can't forget. This is soemthing that has helped me in my work with patients and others I meet, and it has helped me when it comes to dealing with issues that come up in the church as well.
I also learned that I didn't chose this, but I am responsible for it. I take my meds, because I am responsible for how I allow this illness to affect my children and my marriage. I also take my meds and take regualr bouts of therapy to reamin gainfully employed, because I am a part of society and mean to contribute in what ever way I can to the greatest extent possible. If I find I am going Hypomanic anyway, I self solate if I can, because I know I can get explosive oroverly flirty, and i know I can hurt feelings or damage my marriage. Once i know, I feel I have the responsibility to act on the knowlegde as best I can. There will be limits. But I find my life is richer and my self respect is greater once I decided that this would be the way I handle with living with this particular charateristic. Hard to call it an illness even, at this point. Handicap, perhaps.
I have two children, and although, I know there are times I have not acted as I would want to with them, they are healthy and happy, and they have a life with friends, activities and interests and enjoy being with their parents as well. I have a husband who likes talking to me about his dreams and hopes and even can be a silly ninny around me and the kids if he feels like it. I am safe, have a job I love and that I feel I can contribute to. Not bad for being "chronically mentally ill". I have a nice dog too and a few nice rats in the barn, but i don't usually count those.

It has been very hard getting here. I have traumas from my bipolar problems and the experiences that my moods and delusions have gotten me into. I have a very hard time explaining to people who don't know me that well tht yes, I act like a kid in my twenties, but there is a side of me still standing in the trenches in 1918 that will always be there. This illness has left scars and I am not happy with all of them. Still, One can be happy with life, dear. and really, I think I can say that I am. HUGGGSSS

I swear that sometimes when I am on the right combo of meds I am so okay for such long periods of time it seems silly that I take a handful of pills before bed.

What helped me accept and deal was researching everything. When you read about bipolar not everything is going to apply to you, it isn't your destiny or anything.

Being knowledgeable has also helped a LOT when dealing with doctors and therapists, if they aren't going to work for me I find someone who I can trust and who trusts me in return.

I have found positive things about being bipolar. Experiencing emotions to the Nth degree in a way that most people don't makes it really easy for me to empathize with and understand normal people with their funny little emotions.

It took a long time for me to accept the diagnoses of this illness, I felt like an outcast.

I went from being healthy and on no medicine at all to a trial and error of many, many different meds. Now I just take a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant along with
Xanax and sleeping pills PRN.

I had and still do struggle with who I should confide in about this illness, but the people I did risk telling were very understanding and accepting- they didn't judge me.

What got me to finally really and truly take this seriously was when I stopped taking my medicine and with a combination of that and pain pills, I was incoherent within 9 days and wound up hospitalized for a week.

What helps me, is complying with my medicine, keeping my doctor's appointments, trying to live a healthy lifestyle and realizing that "everybody has something"
I agree with the others above- we are not bipolar, its not our idenity, we have bipoalar disorder.

Hope I'm replying the correct way! If not forgive me, I'm new! Thank-you for the post!! I can so identify. I'm very worried about the boring part, but more concerned with sleeping normal, and waking up feeling good! Mostly just getting through another day! You give hope for the future, Thanks

I am also worried about the boring part.
I want my life to be fun and exciting...
it seems i only have 2 choices, Be bipolar, risk my life and everything in it and all my relationships and hope i get through the overwhelming urge of suicide or selfharm, or go on the meds, do the therapy, live a lovely healthy life.
I cant imagine either of those, i dont want to not drink alcohol, i dont want to have a routine, i dont want to be settled!
and i hate the fact i dont have that choice, to just be a 20 year old girl who can go out and face the world and experience EVERYTHING!

Shoot! And to think that I thought I WAS having fun! And all this time I was fooling myself....
Some of what you might be hearing may well be the disease. Then there is also that we get used to thinking that without certain things there is no fun. I remember a song here in Sweden by a group called the Sounds. The main singer gives me the impression of being very shallow and very know it all and in one song announces that she has done all the things that the listener had only dreamed about. "Hmmm," say I.
"I'm willing to bet, sugar tot, that I have done things you aren't even smart enough to dream of doing." Then again, it's our perspectives that teach us what is fun and what is not. If they broaden, or they have to change, new interests move in, and you find new things can be amazing! Just a word of encouragement, dear! You can take it or leave it. I just firmly believe that your life holds riches beyond what you can imagine, meds or not. HUGGGGSSSSSS!