I have what I think is a memory block.. but I'm not sure! I suffer from severe depression and anxiety (and a lot of other STUFF), and a lot of things point to sexual abuse in my childhood. The thing is, I don't remember any of it.

There is one piece of a memory that bugs me though, and I wonder if that's when it might have happened: My parents are following a car to drop me off at a new babysitter's house (in Germany, I'm an Army brat). I'm crying in the back seat, and it's dark outside. I DO NOT wanna go. We drive past a security gate in what seems like an apartment complex in a German neighborhood. I remember that the babysitter was a man with a daughter; there is no one else there. I remember the daughter, who is older than I am (I'm about 3 or 4 years old??), tries to show me some card tricks with a glass of water in her room. She's probably 6 or 7 years old. Probably half-Korean like I am, which is common around Army bases. I don't remember any physical characteristics of the man except that he was a man. I remember nothing else of that evening. I don't know if I fell asleep, how long I was there, when or how I got home.

When I ask my parents about it, they don't remember me having any babysitter like that at any time. I doubt myself all the time and think I probably just fell asleep like a normal kid does at the babysitter's, but why does it stick out in my mind so much? And why do I associate it with possible sexual abuse?

I'm considering going back to therapy again (after a few terrible experiences that lasted no longer than a month each) and trying hypnosis. But I'm having a heck of a time finding a decent therapist!!

Just wanted to get that off my chest... my mom says maybe it's a good thing that I don't remember it; she believes the brain is pretty good about protecting us from things that will really harm us. But I'm not getting any better, and I've got children of my own now...

Eve