Memory Blocks

I wish my mind would let me see what is hidden in it's memory.
I know I was physically abused by my bio-father and more then likely molested by him, as were my other sisters. My brother was forced to watch porn movies as a small child.

I have memories of me as a child sitting naked on the toilet next to me is the bathtub and it's filled with water. Directly in front of me is the door to the bathroom and it's opened. My bio-father is leaning against the side of the door with the one arm above his head, as it is bent at the elbow and his hand is resting behind his head.
He is naked and he is smirking.
That's it. That's all I have. I black out from there.

Another memory is with him with a belt. He wets it-doubles it over and snaps it real hard. I am naked on the bed face down and he snaps the belt a couple of times more... I black out there.
Another memory..me and my sisters and brother are hiding in a closet. I am scared silent...

I had a dream last night about a man I know (Use to date.)who is very angry and is yelling. He's throwing things all about and soon aims these things towards me. I am scared out of my mind. My mind says "I'm not married to him- I'm not married to him. I can escape." And I let out this yelp of fear that wakes me from the dream.
That ex-boyfriend never threw things at me in real life. Nothing of the kind like that in my dating.

Kind of strange.

I know for the longest time I could not be alone in a room with a strange man because I got scared out of my mind. The funny thing is I didn't even realize I was scared out of my mind but some of the men picked up on it. A couple of men told me about it and I was surprised by it but at the same time I was not surprised.

I was with a boyfriend once and we had an argument. I kept distancing myself on the other side of the kitchen table because I didn't want him to "get me". Although, the guy was not doing anything violent or yelling or being mean to me in anyway. We were just having a misunderstanding but I got so scared I had to walk away and go into the bathroom.

I wrote about the Psssst situations. That was common place. I do remember that.
I am told stories from my older sisters. I don't remember what they tell me, though.
I'm very frustrated by this.
Everyone else seems to remember their abuse on this forum. I wish I could just clear out the fog so I can see what's hidden there. I want to deal with it. I can handle it. Why doesn't my mind let me?
GRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time remembering, and I'm sorry about what happened to you. It's hard to believe how cruel some people can be to children.

It's not your fault, Ben but thank you.
Not being able to remember makes me feel like I've just made everything up.

I can't remember either, not at all. Maybe I don't want to remember as I have enough abuse in my adult life.

I'm sorry for what has happened to you. You are a surviver and you are doing great!

((((((((((((((((Jax)))))))))))))))))))

Time0

Thanks Time0, it's comforting to know that I'm not alone with the not being able to remember.
Your adult life, too? I'm sorry. (((((((((Time0))))))))
You're a survivor too!

I have what I think is a memory block.. but I'm not sure! I suffer from severe depression and anxiety (and a lot of other STUFF), and a lot of things point to sexual abuse in my childhood. The thing is, I don't remember any of it.

There is one piece of a memory that bugs me though, and I wonder if that's when it might have happened: My parents are following a car to drop me off at a new babysitter's house (in Germany, I'm an Army brat). I'm crying in the back seat, and it's dark outside. I DO NOT wanna go. We drive past a security gate in what seems like an apartment complex in a German neighborhood. I remember that the babysitter was a man with a daughter; there is no one else there. I remember the daughter, who is older than I am (I'm about 3 or 4 years old??), tries to show me some card tricks with a glass of water in her room. She's probably 6 or 7 years old. Probably half-Korean like I am, which is common around Army bases. I don't remember any physical characteristics of the man except that he was a man. I remember nothing else of that evening. I don't know if I fell asleep, how long I was there, when or how I got home.

When I ask my parents about it, they don't remember me having any babysitter like that at any time. I doubt myself all the time and think I probably just fell asleep like a normal kid does at the babysitter's, but why does it stick out in my mind so much? And why do I associate it with possible sexual abuse?

I'm considering going back to therapy again (after a few terrible experiences that lasted no longer than a month each) and trying hypnosis. But I'm having a heck of a time finding a decent therapist!!

Just wanted to get that off my chest... my mom says maybe it's a good thing that I don't remember it; she believes the brain is pretty good about protecting us from things that will really harm us. But I'm not getting any better, and I've got children of my own now...

Eve